sick kitty

Monday, January 28, 2008

AWWW
Owen had a tough night, couldn't keep anything down or get anything out. I gave him some medicine and pumpkin. I think he is dehydrated too. So upset this morning. I finally had a productive day, but worried about my baby. I love that he follows me around and wants to be with me in the same room. yay owen. Ok so he still isn't better and now its Tuesday night. I am taking him to the doctor tomorrow. I get so afraid, but he deserves me to not be so selfish.

hugs from Owen

When I wake up first, he looks at me and tries to determine if i am getting up. Then he meows or looks for a hand to pet him. I am not sure what he enjoys most about me but I know that our hugs are the highlight of my day. He purrs and loves for me to hold him. He doesn't pull away or try to move around. He just moves into my chest and uses my chin as a way to get more rubbing. He always looks as if He could stay much longer than my arms can oblige. That is real unconditional love.

Gracie

mer re reeeowwwww reeeeoooow rewwwoooo??? This was what i heard this morning. A little alarmed. I think I must have woken him up or he didn't know I was there and then I scared him. I continue to be amused by the different sounds that come out of his mouth on a daily basis. To think he was always the quiet one. Grace never let him get a word in edgewise. Grace died right around this time. I feel so guilty thinking about her. She wasn't as easy to love not like owen. She yelled and yelled a lot. She didn't let me hug or pet her like owen. I loved her but not like I love Owen I miss her though. I miss her all the time. Losing her was worse than I could have ever imagined. Grace always used to roll around when you pet her. She loved her belly rubbed. Gracie was a great girl.

He is a talker.

Owen has started to sleep all day and I am not sure he gets up at all when I am not here. He used to wait by the door for me. Now he is on the bed sleeping. Every night I come home worried that he might not wake up. Maybe that will be a blessing. I won't have to make the choice if he is too sick. He will get to die on his own terms. Lately he has been sleeping next to me on the bed. I sit and listen for his breath. He has actually woken me up in the middle of the night with meows while sleeping. This is a whole new aspect of the love of my life. He talks in his sleep! I continue to be amazed at the love I have for him. I know he cares even when I wake up and have to move one of those god forsaken balls between my legs b/c the spasms are too much. He is right there mrow, mrow mrow.

Cat Hair

Owen and I have discovered a new game. How much cat hair/matted cat hair can Jennie get out while giving him a great pet? It is working out quite well. I have an extensive technique to distract, while I pull. Its almost as good as popping a zit in the joy category. Cat hair is the subject of an interesting study one of my colleagues just read. A bunch of lab rats played and enjoyed their cage. They never saw a cat, never had the pleasure of knowing their was an arch enemy out there in the real world. Then one day the researchers entered a single cat hair in the cage. Eventually all of the rats stopped playing, hid or froze powerless in a fear produced by the scent of a cat. The single cat hair was later removed. The rats never returned to their prior way of life. Fear/trauma had taken over their life and would not let go.

The nature of trauma paralyzes with or without the presence of real danger all that is needed is the perception of danger to change ones life. Humans unlike rats, have the capacity to unlearn, learn a new way of proceeding. Cat hair will never not remind me of the trauma response now. Owen's cat hair makes me happy. Knowing trauma doesn't have to determine ones path gives me hope.

Owen and Me

owen is curled up by my side squished between the couch back, a lap top and a microwavable heating pads. no place for a kitty. He has the most amazing way of curling up into the tiniest spaces. He waits for the pet, the hug, and has tolerated all my pulling out his matted hair today so well. He lives in the now. He is happy most of the time and complains rarely even when he can't really move. I guess all I need is to have someone one pet and feed me and I could be the same way. Maybe I should invest in an auto-feeder.

truth about hobbies

The truth will set you free but it might make you miserable first. One of my favorite quotes. Its so true. Wow, hearing “I think getting a hobby is a great idea, it is one of the things that drove me nuts, I was your hobby.” One of those things that I had to take in, listen, he continued, “I say nothing b/c its always the wrong thing”. Sad, but it is true. I do not have a life outside of work. I don’t have a hobby. I have a disability that has limited my choices.( I am consciously trying to admit that now) I tried knitting and was mortified that I could not learn as quickly as my co-knitters, I volunteered at a music club, loved doing that, but I moved back to Gloucester, plus I went and had a beer in the middle of the show, that was a big no no, and well, really disappointed the manager. I feel like I do that all the time, find a way to screw something up, almost like I can’t tolerate something good. I like to bake, but have not done that in years. I think I stopped b/c of money. Had none. I liked biking, but I don’t have a bike, I went to go get it several months after I moved, and she had given it away. It was my fault for not taking it when I had the opportunity. I volunteered with teenagers, but now that is my work, too much work stuff. I need another sort of outlet. Again another money issue, riding is expensive. I stopped. I have ridden horses, but I can’t now b/c of my legs. It is one of the main reasons I have put my self through all of this stuff with Botox. I can work out, but I haven’t been able to because of pain in recent months. I did not move on because I was sick. I was in pain. I had to be patient with myself. I was not strong enough to do the grief work, until recently. I will swim now. I will sit in the Jacuzzi. I will be ok. I will learn to accept love health and healing. I will learn how to show more love, less criticism. I will learn.