clean day number two

I can't remember the last time I could say I came home to a made bed! I did my dishes and put away all the food tonight. The sink is clear this is the second day of clean. I think the new medication cocktail is working. I am not sleeping non stop, am able to get some things done and I don't want to rip everyone to shreds. I actually want to call some of my friends to see them. Maybe I will even join the group of coworkers who do karaoke at Cameron's. Its something to aspire to anyway. Next stop the pool. I am aching everywhere. My body is either just readjusting to to my new lift height or am just incredibly sore. I am so scared I have lost some range of motion, but there isn't anything I can do about it now. This last bout of depression was tough. The most insidious thing about depression is that it could masquerade as just being tired or overwhelmed. It was hard to discern what it was given all of the things it could possibly be. Bottom line is I finally feel like a person again. Owen isn't quite sure what to do. He has a clear path to me on my bed. I just need to keep it going. It feels good.

another quiet day.

Owen and I had a nice quiet one today. I so enjoy all the different meows and looks and cuddles we have. I have been doing so much grieving that in a way it makes me realize I will be ok when its his time to go. Awful as it might be, I will survive. There are so many days when I just don't want to go on. What is the point? I think to myself. I have worked my whole life to help others and I can't seem to tolerate the idea of someone actually liking me. I am so tired of it really. So sick of being so scared. What is the worst that could happen is that someone could not like me. Yeah well it was too much to even bear that thought for such a long time. I can bare it now, I think. I just don't want to. It is just so much emotional energy this being in love thing. I had no idea any of this would be so elusive to me. I feel like I have the social skills of a frog. I seem to not be comfortable in any group of people for longer than a few years at a time. I have a hard time keeping in touch with people because I get so f...ing depressed. I am less tired now but more aware of all of this wasted time and energy that I spend doing nothing. I work or I do nothing. I feel like a big old hypocrite, so willing to think of reasons how others can improve their lives but too tired to take any of my own advice. I don't want to live as a passenger any more. If I have a terrible life I have no one to blame but myself.

seasons change but

"Life for so many of us, seems a life of constant change. Yet there is more stability than we sometimes see. A commitment to living in faith moment by moment in the reality of the God who is there, and who does not change. So there is change but there is also continuity. The signs of seasonal change can become familiar and a comfort as we remember that after winter, in God’s grace, spring does come again. " Dick Keyes

let it be so.

Easter on the farm

Easter on the farm. This time it was with Evan and Courtney. Courtney was the lastest but not girlfriend, sleeping with but not....yeah been there. Whenever Evan and I are together at the family home it feels like no one else is around. We find one another even when I try to hide he comes to find me. Not hard in such a small space. He always says I bring out the worst in him, he brings out the realization that despite a strong connection there are 20 years almost between us and it never feels like it. I have been so proud of myself walking around saying and not being ashamed of being 42. I am finally comfortable with that number and feel mature. I am not spending all my time with young people and not spending time with others my own age. Now I am not spending time with anyone but I am not wishing I was younger or another age. Except that is when I am with Evan and I notice his weakness is petite curly haired girls.

Then Courtney mentions going to RHS and graduating last year, yeah she graduated with Nick is friends with Maddie and Sam. So much for wishing I was younger reality sets in again and Evan as only Evan can do shows me his conceit and poor form. Whenever he jokes about his irresponsible drinking and driving I want to scream, YOU PRICK, you are going to kill someones kid someday. I have been down that road with him, he knows how I feel about that. He says these things to provoke me on purpose. If we can't banter then there isn't many other choices. Despite all of that we truly enjoy one another, I am not sure what I do for him, perhaps I help him tolerate family meals that are often uncomfortable for him. He finds it very difficult to be nice to me for any length of time.....as he says meanness is a sign of affection. Well I have been there done that. I am looking for other sorts of affection these days.

Here comes the sun...

When I was little I loved the Beatles. I always thought I had been born at the wrong era. I woke up with the sun in my eyes, Owen meowing and this song in my head. I wanted to get to Easter service and I still have difficulty getting out of bed and thinking about the red house across the street. I will get better. I will let that part go and stop using it as an excuse as to why I do not worship at St. Mary's.
I want this to be a day of Resurrection It been a year. Its time to make new memories I no longer have to think about this time last year we were doing this or that or God why can't he get up? It me now that can't seem to face the days. I am hoping the increased dose of medicine, the sun and continued focus on the here and now will help me. Please God help me know you exist, that my life has meaning, that I am worthy of someones love, that I have the energy to exercise like I need to and that I learn how to be OK with my life. I pray I can stop judging, criticizing everything I do that I can accept the job I do not the job I want to do. Help me believe that it will be alright....
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun And I say it's all right
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun.
And I say it's all right.
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces.
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
It's all right, it's all right

Obama

I love Obama. I just listened to his speech on NPR and was so impressed with his points regarding the reality of racism and the race stalemate we are all in. Its easy to get into the blame game that we all get into trying to find a reason for why things are not as we had hoped. 'white privilege is something people are so resistant. The reality is though that not many people describe me as the white girl with brown curly hair, Anyone of any other race do not have that luxury therefore, it is a privilege and the definition of racism involved those who have a position of power.....Hello!!!! That would be the whites. I am not talking each person or their individual circumstances.....I'm talking about the entire race as compared to other races.


Obama rocks my world.
Jennie

Mac is my hero and my cobbler

Mac is the man who has fixed my shoes for the past 15 years or so. Well In my case its a big deal since a surgery has left my left leg significantly shorted by about 3/4th of an inch. My doctor and physical therapist have suggested that I change my lift to give my legs more stability and better evenness. Ok, so already he is my hero for helping me with my shoes. I look forward to our chats when I enter the door. I secretly hope no one is in there to look forward to another one of his stories of his 82 year old life. He is one of five brothers. The youngest of five who served in WWII. His brother was in a Fighter/bomber pilot with three successful tours. The third tour was quite rough. Mac was in the navy but never had to be in combat. His labour of love was a WWII memorial in Hamilton, MA for all the men and women who served and lived in Hamilton. It took 5 years but its completed and its beautiful. On the other side there will be Vietnam and Korean war veterans. I sat and listened as he went through each name on the memorial list most of them no longer living. He stopped and tell me stories about some of his friends. One family had 5 children go to war and she was a widow. Fortunately 4 of the 5 came home.

The other proud accomplishment that I learned about today was the pool that he and some of his friends built for the children of Hamilton. All of the children receive swimming lessons. "If I have save one life then it was worth it." I am sure he has saved more than one life. I listen some more. His first wife was ill the last few years of her life of anorexia. His second wife is feisty he says and smiles. September is Mac's 82nd birthday. He has touched my life and is on a short list of people who have helped me manage this thing called Cerebral Palsy.

I left smiling. I began thinking about Mac the fire chief for 40 years. His entire life has been about service, working hard and giving back to those in need. I get the feeling he isn't even aware of most of what he has done. I miss his beautiful dog, She was a joy to pet as I walked into the shop. I make sure to not bring her up since the last time I made that mistake he was visibly choked up. This is how it will be for me when Owen goes. This is how it will be when Mac leaves this earth to party with his family and friends.