another quiet day.

Owen and I had a nice quiet one today. I so enjoy all the different meows and looks and cuddles we have. I have been doing so much grieving that in a way it makes me realize I will be ok when its his time to go. Awful as it might be, I will survive. There are so many days when I just don't want to go on. What is the point? I think to myself. I have worked my whole life to help others and I can't seem to tolerate the idea of someone actually liking me. I am so tired of it really. So sick of being so scared. What is the worst that could happen is that someone could not like me. Yeah well it was too much to even bear that thought for such a long time. I can bare it now, I think. I just don't want to. It is just so much emotional energy this being in love thing. I had no idea any of this would be so elusive to me. I feel like I have the social skills of a frog. I seem to not be comfortable in any group of people for longer than a few years at a time. I have a hard time keeping in touch with people because I get so f...ing depressed. I am less tired now but more aware of all of this wasted time and energy that I spend doing nothing. I work or I do nothing. I feel like a big old hypocrite, so willing to think of reasons how others can improve their lives but too tired to take any of my own advice. I don't want to live as a passenger any more. If I have a terrible life I have no one to blame but myself.