Easter on the farm

Easter on the farm. This time it was with Evan and Courtney. Courtney was the lastest but not girlfriend, sleeping with but not....yeah been there. Whenever Evan and I are together at the family home it feels like no one else is around. We find one another even when I try to hide he comes to find me. Not hard in such a small space. He always says I bring out the worst in him, he brings out the realization that despite a strong connection there are 20 years almost between us and it never feels like it. I have been so proud of myself walking around saying and not being ashamed of being 42. I am finally comfortable with that number and feel mature. I am not spending all my time with young people and not spending time with others my own age. Now I am not spending time with anyone but I am not wishing I was younger or another age. Except that is when I am with Evan and I notice his weakness is petite curly haired girls.

Then Courtney mentions going to RHS and graduating last year, yeah she graduated with Nick is friends with Maddie and Sam. So much for wishing I was younger reality sets in again and Evan as only Evan can do shows me his conceit and poor form. Whenever he jokes about his irresponsible drinking and driving I want to scream, YOU PRICK, you are going to kill someones kid someday. I have been down that road with him, he knows how I feel about that. He says these things to provoke me on purpose. If we can't banter then there isn't many other choices. Despite all of that we truly enjoy one another, I am not sure what I do for him, perhaps I help him tolerate family meals that are often uncomfortable for him. He finds it very difficult to be nice to me for any length of time.....as he says meanness is a sign of affection. Well I have been there done that. I am looking for other sorts of affection these days.

Here comes the sun...

When I was little I loved the Beatles. I always thought I had been born at the wrong era. I woke up with the sun in my eyes, Owen meowing and this song in my head. I wanted to get to Easter service and I still have difficulty getting out of bed and thinking about the red house across the street. I will get better. I will let that part go and stop using it as an excuse as to why I do not worship at St. Mary's.
I want this to be a day of Resurrection It been a year. Its time to make new memories I no longer have to think about this time last year we were doing this or that or God why can't he get up? It me now that can't seem to face the days. I am hoping the increased dose of medicine, the sun and continued focus on the here and now will help me. Please God help me know you exist, that my life has meaning, that I am worthy of someones love, that I have the energy to exercise like I need to and that I learn how to be OK with my life. I pray I can stop judging, criticizing everything I do that I can accept the job I do not the job I want to do. Help me believe that it will be alright....
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun And I say it's all right
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun.
And I say it's all right.
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces.
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
It's all right, it's all right

Obama

I love Obama. I just listened to his speech on NPR and was so impressed with his points regarding the reality of racism and the race stalemate we are all in. Its easy to get into the blame game that we all get into trying to find a reason for why things are not as we had hoped. 'white privilege is something people are so resistant. The reality is though that not many people describe me as the white girl with brown curly hair, Anyone of any other race do not have that luxury therefore, it is a privilege and the definition of racism involved those who have a position of power.....Hello!!!! That would be the whites. I am not talking each person or their individual circumstances.....I'm talking about the entire race as compared to other races.


Obama rocks my world.
Jennie

Mac is my hero and my cobbler

Mac is the man who has fixed my shoes for the past 15 years or so. Well In my case its a big deal since a surgery has left my left leg significantly shorted by about 3/4th of an inch. My doctor and physical therapist have suggested that I change my lift to give my legs more stability and better evenness. Ok, so already he is my hero for helping me with my shoes. I look forward to our chats when I enter the door. I secretly hope no one is in there to look forward to another one of his stories of his 82 year old life. He is one of five brothers. The youngest of five who served in WWII. His brother was in a Fighter/bomber pilot with three successful tours. The third tour was quite rough. Mac was in the navy but never had to be in combat. His labour of love was a WWII memorial in Hamilton, MA for all the men and women who served and lived in Hamilton. It took 5 years but its completed and its beautiful. On the other side there will be Vietnam and Korean war veterans. I sat and listened as he went through each name on the memorial list most of them no longer living. He stopped and tell me stories about some of his friends. One family had 5 children go to war and she was a widow. Fortunately 4 of the 5 came home.

The other proud accomplishment that I learned about today was the pool that he and some of his friends built for the children of Hamilton. All of the children receive swimming lessons. "If I have save one life then it was worth it." I am sure he has saved more than one life. I listen some more. His first wife was ill the last few years of her life of anorexia. His second wife is feisty he says and smiles. September is Mac's 82nd birthday. He has touched my life and is on a short list of people who have helped me manage this thing called Cerebral Palsy.

I left smiling. I began thinking about Mac the fire chief for 40 years. His entire life has been about service, working hard and giving back to those in need. I get the feeling he isn't even aware of most of what he has done. I miss his beautiful dog, She was a joy to pet as I walked into the shop. I make sure to not bring her up since the last time I made that mistake he was visibly choked up. This is how it will be for me when Owen goes. This is how it will be when Mac leaves this earth to party with his family and friends.

Another day another dime

I made it through another week. I even made it to Blockbuster for some movies. I still have a long way to go but each day focusing on the mundane does help. I caught up all of my notes today. It helped me to leave work without extra stress. I made plans with friends. I am picking up my shoes from the cobbler tomorrow, going to Trader Joe's I am officially out of hibernation mode even though I don't necessarily feel like it. The sun is out longer, the spring is coming. I spent too much time unable to move. It is time to move.

Owen and I had a serious cuddle session. I have been wearing clothes that are super soft. I am trying to use lotion and enjoy how it feels on my skin. All of these are efforts to meet the needs I have for physical affection. One of my big concerns is that I will not make good choices regarding men for no other reason but b/c I am craving the physical need for touch. I have no desire to set myself up for yet another heart ache. I do miss the just sleeping part most. Having someone in bed someone to hold. This is one of the things I will take with me. One of the things for which I am most thankful. Hopefully the next person will have several things for which I am thankful. I will be with someone with whom I can understand and who can understand me. Help me to not fall for the next attractive man but the right attractive man for me.

The meaning of grief....

Something for me to ponder.....

Grief can have a quality of profound healing because we are forced to a depth of feeling that is usually below the threshold of awareness. Though many of our motivations come from this level of fear, of loss, yet we don’t know where these volitions originate. We simply find ourselves lost in action, in anger or fear, pushing away others, grasping at what we imagined to be our safety, constantly guarding our heart.
This tearing open of the heart leaves us exposed to that which has caused us and our loved ones the pain of imagined separateness so often before. This experience of discovery that grief leads us to is, for some, like going below ground level to look at the roots of a tree whose branches and twigs, leaves and flowers were all you thought were meaningful. by Steven Levine

Hope in the face of mourning

Today feels like a turning point. Many weeks of working on myself. Swimming, stretching, knitting, loving Owen. I read the Please Stop email today from Jason and did not cry. I made a date with someone who seems cool. We seem to have put all our largest issues already out there. No surprises with the limping this time. One less thing to think about. I almost didn't pursue this one b/c there were too many similarities between he and Jason. At this point though, I would think of Jason for any random reason. He is my frame of reference.

I hope I stop crying, and mourning this one sooner than later but I have been avoiding this work for almost a year and am barely three weeks into NC. I hate living in fear. I hate avoiding going to church b/c I am too freaked out about seeing his house or the dog, or Tank or Kathy. I will not be humiliated any more. I have to keep remembering this will not be forever. There will be a day I will not fear seeing him from across the road and turning around. Next week is Easter the year anniversary of our break up conversation. 'I do not feel for you what you feel for me." That is about all I remember at this point. None of it really matters any more. I loved him. He did not love me and as Bonnie Raitt says, I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't make your heart feel something it won't.....I tried, and tried but to no avail. Maybe I won't feel so abandoned next time, or have him be disgusted with how unable I was to respect his boundaries. Maybe I will learn how to take care of myself, my heart and my mind. In the mean time....I will love Owen to pieces. I will stretch, swim and survive.