Today feels like a turning point. Many weeks of working on myself. Swimming, stretching, knitting, loving Owen. I read the Please Stop email today from Jason and did not cry. I made a date with someone who seems cool. We seem to have put all our largest issues already out there. No surprises with the limping this time. One less thing to think about. I almost didn't pursue this one b/c there were too many similarities between he and Jason. At this point though, I would think of Jason for any random reason. He is my frame of reference.
I hope I stop crying, and mourning this one sooner than later but I have been avoiding this work for almost a year and am barely three weeks into NC. I hate living in fear. I hate avoiding going to church b/c I am too freaked out about seeing his house or the dog, or Tank or Kathy. I will not be humiliated any more. I have to keep remembering this will not be forever. There will be a day I will not fear seeing him from across the road and turning around. Next week is Easter the year anniversary of our break up conversation. 'I do not feel for you what you feel for me." That is about all I remember at this point. None of it really matters any more. I loved him. He did not love me and as Bonnie Raitt says, I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't make your heart feel something it won't.....I tried, and tried but to no avail. Maybe I won't feel so abandoned next time, or have him be disgusted with how unable I was to respect his boundaries. Maybe I will learn how to take care of myself, my heart and my mind. In the mean time....I will love Owen to pieces. I will stretch, swim and survive.
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