Tangled up in Blue

Its been a while I have had something to Chronicle regarding my beloved Owen. He sleeps and as my friend “Denise says, “He eats like a horse.” He goes through one can during the day and another at night. These are all signs that maybe just maybe he will be the first cat ever to not die. At least he will be the cat that never dies in my heart.
My family made homage to my dear sweet feline, I now have a plaque that reads, “Only my cat understands me.” In this case I fear it might be true but I have worked hard to be more open with friends. With family I work to protect myself more, and am happier for it. My body continues to be a struggle between what I want to believe to be true and what is true…ugh. Owen continues to struggle with hobbling or as a friend recently mentioning…click click click click go the nails that I am too afraid to have clipped. He is just a little slower, a little older, a little louder, and a little closer to this loving heart of mine.
He is beyond happy about the new blue down comforter that spends more time tangled than spread over the bed. It works for him and it keeps me warm. Its just another comfort for the both of us after a long hard day of not getting to snuggle next to one another b/c one of us has to pay the proverbial bills.

Thanksgiving

Going around the room in a staff meeting was a no brainer when the inevitable question arises...What is everyone thankful this year?....usually the ugh....lets see there is the i can't walk, I'm in pain, i am heartbroken......no not this year....I got to say I am thankful for my Owen all 20 years worth of him. He will be 21 this year. Each day is just another gift and reminder to me that love exists.

I walk these days. I am stiff but as a friend said, you are not in pain and not crying all the time so life is pretty darn great. One of the weird things about botox is though it helped ease my gait, it made me aware of the utter strengthless body I have. Without the hyper tone. I can barely go up stairs. I thought all this time it was muscle and now I know its spacticity I never thought I would say I was thankful for spacticity, but there it is I am. I can climb stairs again. For months this has been more difficult than I care to mention.

So rather get all wound up about what I can not do, or all the things I do not have, I am thankful for my Owen, my friends, my family even though they will never know me the way I might hope for, my yard and right now my newly made warm and cozy bed. Focusing on what is good really does help life seem worth living and worth caring for people despite the risk that entails.

nails and tails.

Owen sleeps now after a long pat. I am continually looking at him, amazed he is still around. He eats more than ever almost two cans a day. There is no signs of inability to digest and he keeps his food down. I feel like its a miracle after all the difficulties he once had with his food. Perhaps just having the vets food, is all he really needed. For now any how. He has gotten used to our new configuration in the bedroom. Given that my bed takes up all the room anyhow, its not much of a change, but at least its different.

I got rid of all the wire hangers in the closet today. He just sat up and watched. One thing checked off the list. Making the bed I made sure to place the blankets in the order that causes him least stress. I hate the meow that accompanies the "I can't unclaw my nail, and its going to get pulled off!!!! meow." One of the worse of the repertoire. He has taken to the habit of trying to scoot out the front door and so today he not only got some time outside but was plenty frustrated, when I let him in some hours later. Yes, I did forget he was out there as a matter of fact. Oh did I get a scolding.

This is yet another attribute that i adore....he never ceases to surprise me with the sounds, the looks, the loyalty. He truly is a gift to remind me that love exists.

Today is the day

This week has been one of recouping. I finally feel like I can function of a reasonable way in all of the areas of my life. My garden is wonderful and continues to bring me joy. I planted marigolds today because I was told the smell of the flowers dissuades the bugs from getting on the tomatoes. We shall see. I got more perennials. Madelene helped me plant some daisy like plaints. that should spread on the rocks. I planted a few more that will not flower this year but next year. I have some more ground cover to plant but overall things are working out. Its lots of time and energy and I am more than happy to put that in to something that will bloom and grow. Something that will appreciate water and sun and care. Something that can be loved without rejection.

Owen is so soft right now. All of the old fur is gone. No nasty tufts anywhere. He has meewed lots today lot of half purring and satisfaction. We have something in common now.

relief

This weekend was one full of activity. I did not cry or bemoan my life. I worked in the garden, worked in my bedroom. I cooked and cleaned. I saw friends, I went out to lunch and out to a band with friends I haven't seen in a long time.

I was honest about my difficulties and received support. I still had some disappointment but overall, I was relieved. I was thankful that I had gone to graduation, glad I saw Evan, and my other Evan. I am aware that people like me at work and want to spend time with me. This is what it feels like to not be depressed all the time. It is what hope brings. Besides, I bought an electric lawn mower. AWESOME.

choosing to be thankful

Owen came outside with me today. He laid on the grass as I mulched, watered, weeded and sweat. He loves to just lay in the sun. I think its the most he has stayedout in quite some time. I continue to be surprised by my enjoyment of gardening, tending, watering and watching pretty things grow. I have to keep remembering that I have and will grow.

I am glad to just take a break from the whole dating thing and pressure. I am so thankful I can walk. I continue to be stubborn when it comes to stretching although, I really have no choice at this point. I get so afraid, I get paralysed. If I just ignore it I will hope it just goes away. It doesn't though. This is my lot, this is my problem. All of us have them some people can hide some people can't. I take everything to heart so much. I want to let go. I want to not worry so much. I want to believe that I am worth all the things I believe about the children with whom I work. I want to be a contented person. I want to walk with my head held high and my soul knowing I am everything the Lord has made me to be. I want to know of his love and his care and his understanding. I want to tread lightly and take life as it comes. I want to live in the knowledge that my life even if it ends tomorrow, has meant something to someone.

I mowed the lawn today. I don't think I can say I ever did that before. I couldn't start the thing but after I had someone help me I mowed. I have wanted to mow the lawn since I can't remember when. My dad would never let me. A mile stone this age of the middle that I reside. I figured that since I am 43 and I got owen when I was 23 then he turns 20 this year. Quite the milestone. I wish I had a camera so I could take time lapsed photography of my garden. I know I will end up back at the nursury again. there are more places to fill in. I want more color and I don't want it to look so semetrical but more natural. The flowers are settling the watering schedule seems to be a part of my routine. I even got a hanging plant inside. This has the potential to mean I will have plants on the inside soon enough. Wow. Things really can and do change.

Owen continues to look well. NO more nasty tufts. The warm weather means I can pull them out withsome ease. Yay. He is so soft normally and it was hard to have to cut so many out. I feared nicking him and fortunately that did not occur. I am less out of shape more willing to get into a weight lifting routine. less listless or depressed. The idea of spending time with those other than my two closest friends seems less abhorent. I just want to plan and do fun things with my friends. I can not even imagine going on anything close to a date. I don't feel like I have anything interesting to say besides.....I mowed the lawn! Somehow, I don't think that will go over well as first date chit chat.

I did find one of my best buddies from college. This makes me smile. He, Jerry and I had some great fun and he was on the beach evangelism trip in 1985 that changed my life. If only I had loved John Wilkinson I would have married him. He loved me so much. I still wonder if anyone will ever come close to loving me as much as he did when we were 2o years old. It must have been painful for him to watch me love another. I know how he feels. I still appreciated his care so much. I am not sure if I just was way to afraid or if he just wasn't someone with whom I would have been compatible. It is probably both of those. There are some not many that match us intellectually, emotionally, physically and spiritually. A friend said it well when he mentioned there is a difference in finding someone attractive and finding someone who might feed your soul. Yes there is and hopefully this is why I am single. Believing and acting as if I am not good enough, worthy enough, deserving enough of love isn't working for me and frankly, isn't from the God with whom I am continuing to learn how to love. Thank you for allowing me to survive despite the odds, please help me to know that I was not a fluke, a mistake or disabled but loved as only you can. AMEN.