I mowed the lawn today. I don't think I can say I ever did that before. I couldn't start the thing but after I had someone help me I mowed. I have wanted to mow the lawn since I can't remember when. My dad would never let me. A mile stone this age of the middle that I reside. I figured that since I am 43 and I got owen when I was 23 then he turns 20 this year. Quite the milestone. I wish I had a camera so I could take time lapsed photography of my garden. I know I will end up back at the nursury again. there are more places to fill in. I want more color and I don't want it to look so semetrical but more natural. The flowers are settling the watering schedule seems to be a part of my routine. I even got a hanging plant inside. This has the potential to mean I will have plants on the inside soon enough. Wow. Things really can and do change.

Owen continues to look well. NO more nasty tufts. The warm weather means I can pull them out withsome ease. Yay. He is so soft normally and it was hard to have to cut so many out. I feared nicking him and fortunately that did not occur. I am less out of shape more willing to get into a weight lifting routine. less listless or depressed. The idea of spending time with those other than my two closest friends seems less abhorent. I just want to plan and do fun things with my friends. I can not even imagine going on anything close to a date. I don't feel like I have anything interesting to say besides.....I mowed the lawn! Somehow, I don't think that will go over well as first date chit chat.

I did find one of my best buddies from college. This makes me smile. He, Jerry and I had some great fun and he was on the beach evangelism trip in 1985 that changed my life. If only I had loved John Wilkinson I would have married him. He loved me so much. I still wonder if anyone will ever come close to loving me as much as he did when we were 2o years old. It must have been painful for him to watch me love another. I know how he feels. I still appreciated his care so much. I am not sure if I just was way to afraid or if he just wasn't someone with whom I would have been compatible. It is probably both of those. There are some not many that match us intellectually, emotionally, physically and spiritually. A friend said it well when he mentioned there is a difference in finding someone attractive and finding someone who might feed your soul. Yes there is and hopefully this is why I am single. Believing and acting as if I am not good enough, worthy enough, deserving enough of love isn't working for me and frankly, isn't from the God with whom I am continuing to learn how to love. Thank you for allowing me to survive despite the odds, please help me to know that I was not a fluke, a mistake or disabled but loved as only you can. AMEN.