Catch and let go.

Watching a movie per my usual Saturday routine. I tried to weedwhack and made some headway then the rain was too much to fight. I love the smell of fresh cut grass. It was great being out there even going to building center was a rush. There is a part of me that comes alive when I am outside. It is a world I kept away from except for when I have been upset or sad. What I have come realize though is that it makes me happy. Walking or not, running or not. It has held this place of reminder that there are things outside that I can't do. I can't play tennis, I can't run marathons, I can't get the presidential award from Elementary school, I can't play football, I can't play baseball. I can't sail but I want to learn, I can't tell what a weed is compared to a wild flower but I will learn. I can't thread a weed whacking machine correctly as of yet but maybe tomorrow.

I have my mom's wedding dress in my closet, I haven't worn it but maybe I will even if it isn't my wedding day. It is a girl thing. I miss Jason, I miss my Mom and sometimes my dad. I miss Katrina, and Julie and Jesse and Manuel. I am freaked about being middle aged. I am scared about being in pain again. I have a life. I read a lot about what it means to be a happy fulfilled person. I like to help people, see them smile even if they are sad on the inside. I like to love the unlovable. I like to believe in the unbelievable. I like to expect miracles. I like that losing my wallet reminds me that I am a space shot and that God is still looking out for me. I have come to understand that when push comes to shove I will do for others before myself when I can and that does not make me a codependent idiot. I say the lords prayer every day. I hope that people learn about the God I have come to know, not the one that seeks to judge and to harm. I know that children deserve to feel safe and be fed. I know no one ever asks to be raped, beaten or killed.

I know that living my life means I have to act out my beliefs. If I choose to not act on my beliefs.....they are not then, therefore, my actual beliefs. I will seek to inspire, be inspired, and accept my life has been a culmination choices I made. There is no one to blame or hold responsible. If I am miserable with the cards I think I have been dealt then it is my fault for not getting different cards. Taking a risk is the only way I have to learn, grow and be who I think I should, can and will be.