baby and the botox

Owen continues to be my source of constant comfort. He is well for a 20+ year old kitty. The vet was impressed with his recent blood work. He continues to eat and drink. He purrs and he climbs although he prefers his dutiful owner carry him to and fro.

Recently I had to go see my botox doctor to loosen my tight muscles and spastic tendency whenever i lift my left leg. He was more than happy with my progress. He said that most come after only a few months and I stayed away almost two years.

To say i was relieved is not beginning to capture the crumpled mess of emotions that had become balled up into my gut as I walked into the outpatient clinic. Sitting from left to right was a tired eyed man looking off into the distance. A woman using her walker as an ottoman with her plastic immobilizer of her knee. Then there was the warm filled smile of the elderly man holding his loves hand as they waited. She had difficulty focusing her eyes seemed to stay in the same position although her head turned in acknowledgment. Her demeanor was pensive as she asked when my appt was. "11:15" I mentioned. He answered for her ours is for 11 but we waited for 15 minutes last time." Yes, he is running late at times, I said. "give him a hard time now, I smiled knowingly at him. yes, yes I will. he held her hand a little tighter.

The door opened and they were invited in to sit waiting for one of my favorite doctors. As he arrived gave them an update and then said their pleasentries I went to the assistants desk and came to find all of my information was incorrect. All of those grumblings inside of me waiting for an opportunity to snap or snark to the next person to say the wrong thing were successfully kept at bay this time as I corrected the mistakes and feigned a smile as a necessary action.

Dr. Finch's face lightened and he invited me in to give him an update. He was proud and glad to see this frustrated, fragile patient. He saw me as the motivated attractive young patient who had done exceptionally well for almost two years.

All I knew was that I was in pain. I was exhausted. I was ready to burst into tears. Yet he saw what I could not see. The inward strength that had been dormant as the emotions of the moment did a tap dance on her hip reminding me only of all of my failings and missteps. His view and knowledge of me carried me out in a cloud of acceptance. I will schedule the appointment. I have the right diagnosis. Who knew spastic diplegia would be called the Right diagnosis.

I am reminded that we must lean on the understandings of others when we are weighted down by our doubts and fears. There is always more than our feelings to our lives. We are stronger than we think.

growing roses....they still have thorns

The garden has become my happy place. Its so funny that this has become something I enjoy. I thought for sure this would not be the case. that is what I get for all those gardeners in the family.

When I am out there Owen comes and sits or lays down. I cant type as we speak because he is trying to get me to pet him. My love is 21. I am 44 so that makes him 21. I think he can vote now. :)

My Owen is slowing down. He isn't as loud, he isn't steady on his feet, he is frail. But....he loves his heating pad and he loves being next to me. We are a pair.

Spring?

March 11, 2009

I hear that spring is on its way but there is still snow here. We just had 5 or so inches fall on Gloucester this past Monday. All the while the radio was telling me that rain only rain, was falling everywhere else. Or at least that is how it felt. Owen continues to snuggle next to my head, he doesn't want to go outside these days. There was a tease of 2 60 degree days he made it out for 2 minutes. He did bask in the sun after i opened the back door for him. I have to admit I want to cut, cut, cut those tufts off. I am trying to accept and ignore but its hard!!!!!

Owen has met my newest boyfriend. He was yelling so loud that even the man with a hearing aid was like,
"wow your cat is loud."
"He is deaf," I said.

My man couldn't believe it. So yes, its true, now the two most important males in my life can't hear me. They can and do listen though. That is what is most important. He likes owen but has to be careful. He is allergic but not terribly so, at least this is what he tells me.

So Owen has given the Mrow of approval as have I. This one is truthful, caring, kind and hysterically funny. He isn't freaked by my CP as I am not concerned about his hearing loss. He is a fixer as most men tend to be, but I know it comes from a good place. He doesn't make promises he can't keep, he doesn't take advantage, he does respect me. I just have to keep remembering that most of all, I need to respect myself. People treat us the way we ALLOW them to treat us. I didn't think I would ever accept disrespect, and yet I have. I have a choice here and I choose to respect and expect to be respected by others.

Not everyone will love me unconditionally as Owen does, but I can care that much for myself to not allow poor treatment again. I am thankful so thankful for this opportunity to get to know and be with a quality man and have yet another season with my beloved, Owen. MROW

loving even the tufts

Owen gave me a large toothy grin this morning. Haven't had the pleasure of the grin in a while. I watched him have some sort of seizure in his sleep and then he awoke, startled, scared, disoriented? I don't know but when he saw I was there I received a nice mrow. He has taken to a new place on the bed it is the first place the sun hits from the crack let open by the curtain. He is no dummy that is for sure.

I am trying to not be bothered by the tufts much like someone in a long time relationship who can't believe she or he did that thing...leave the seat up, fart in public, snore, not put the parmesian back in the fridge, its cheese after all. They don't bother him as much as they bother me and after all its his body.

On this the day for lovers, and candy and Hallmark business tycoons, I don't mind being single. I know what I want now, I have been trying to taste all that is sweet instead of realizing I have been getting splenda when I ask for sugar. What is the point of being with someone unless they or you really want them? I am coming to this conclusion (finally) Its best to not to have anything in ones coffee than to have the thing that is only a cheap substitute anyhow. It seems so simple yet in practice when loneliness or fear creeps and will not be kept at bay things happen. There is wreckage. I don't have to get shipwrecked every time, this i know now.

I still cry when I miss those with whom I have loved. I want a miracle to take the sadness the sometimes overwhelms when I think of all the stupid things I did to hold on foolishly to that which was not mine to begin with. All I can do now is look forward and hope for another day with the love that never lets me down and pray I can let him go with grace when it is his time to go. I just always hope for one more day. That is what I am given.

20 years or yesterday

he sleeps, i type, he tries to walk on the keys, i grumble, i move him, he climbs back to where he wants to be, he falls off the couch and i feel awful. a typical night here. some nights i laugh as i type. sometimes i cry and type. mostly i watch, read, type or as i just did, i lift Owen back onto the couch and again the same thing. now that he is awake it means he will lick my fingers as i type. this is honestly the only thing i consider completely yucky. trust me on this one when one has an elderly cat there are several possibilities for yuckiness.

mary and i had a great conversation last night. owen's official other mommy. its hard for her to believe he is still our crazy stray from years past. mary and bri have three boys. their third child has some serious challenges. he is her love. she extends all she can and i am sure he is one of the most loved people in her world. she knows intuitively i get it. 20 years doesn't mean much to us. she is my sister more than my friend. some are like that. those you know time, space. fighting, years, sometimes it matters other times not.

no one has it easy even if you meet the love of your life at 20, are beautiful the sort of beauty that stops men in their tracks on a regular basis, or is living in a much warmer climate. i am so tired of watching able bodied people chose to ruin their bodies, bemoan their awfulness, and refuse to try and change that which makes them miserable. I want to trade in all those able bodies and trade all those sick bodies so the misery would be in ones mind and body and those who didn't "deserve" the misery wouldn't have it. Oh yeah, that would not be in this life.

All i know is i want to be known, to love unselfishly, to be present, as present as i am with those kids, day after day, i want the sort of life personally that i have professionally which means i have to be honest, true and unapologetic for that which means the most to me.

25 random things...

This was a facebook thing write twenty five random things but because I began with my beloved, Owen it deserves a spot

1. My 20 year old cat, Owen was named after Danny De Vito in Throw Mama From the Train.
2. I talk to people and smile and mostly they smile back (mostly)
3. Some of my favorite clothes were purchased at the Salvation Army
4. I attended Seminary and interned at a state mental hospital in the same year.
5. My real name is Jennie not Jennifer. I have the same name as my mom.
6. I used to dream of being the bionic woman and marrying the six million dollar man.
7. Once while playing in a church my friend and I stole a communion wafer. I thought God would never forgive me….but now I know better.
8. I think having compassion showing mercy is more important that being convinced of being right
9. Finding friends from years past on face book makes me happy b/c I am terrible with keeping in touch.
10. I love that my family loves everyone even when we don’t like each other very much.
11. I have learned its harder to be honest but makes me a better friend that being “nice”
12. The New York Giants, Springsteen and Bono have gotten me through many a tough times.
13. It still hurts when people ask "why I just don’t get a handicapped sticker.?"
14. It took me a long time to learn how to ride a bike, when I did, It was one of the happiest days of my life. My first bike had a blue sparlkling bananna seat!
15. I was convinced from before I can remember that there is a God who loves all of us all the time.
16. I am grateful for all the children and teenagers I have had had the opportunity to meet.
17. Smelling freshly cut grass makes me smile especially after I have mowed it.
18. I say the lords prayer when ever I am stressed to myself and it calms me down.
19. Going as fast as I can on a horse, car or boat takes me to an ideal place.
20 Living by the water my entire life has made me cherish how fortunate I have been.
21. I believe and know sobriety is always an option no matter the addiction.
22. I collect and love any children’s book written by Joan Walsh Anguld
23. I trust my intuition but seek to talk less and listen more.
24. I idealize romantic love but know, its more important for me be loved and known on the inside more than the outside.
25. I remain hopeful despite the terrible state of the world, thanks in part to my amazing friends and family.

we like heating pads

Owen is now hogging up the new heat pad on the bed. So not only does he have the cozy blue comforter he also has taken over the heating bad. Any other male that made this mistake might have an argument coming his way but Owen gets or has a special pass in my heart.

The latest trial Owen survived was his silly mommy deciding that if she used her favorite expensive "moisturizing balm" on his fur and his matted parts especially she would be able to get more of the matts out without touching his fur. Well all was going according to plan before i realized.....Oh no, I have to rinse this out. It would have to be one of the coldest days of the year mind you. Bad Mommy rides again. So I placed him in the since rinsed him wrapped him up in a towel, placed him on the sunny part of the bed, and then turned the heating pad on.

I did get out many of the matts. He does smell wonderful. I realize though that I thought I was doing that all for his benefit when really, I just hate to feel those matts. He just likes to be pet. matts and all. Sometimes altruism exists more often than not, I am just selfish. So glad Owen loves me anyhow.

Barack

inauguration day....full of tears...the heaving sort, lots of tissues....watching it all over when i got home cuddled up with my kid with fur. to hope for change, fight for change, be a part of change. so easy for me to despair, fear, want to hide. Ruby didn't, Rosa didn't, I have to fight not to. If owen can still hobble around, so can I. If we can as a people stand out in the cold just to see a jumbo tran and a man become president of the united states named Barack Obama of all things then we can we must work to improving the quality of all of our lives.

Tangled up in Blue

Its been a while I have had something to Chronicle regarding my beloved Owen. He sleeps and as my friend “Denise says, “He eats like a horse.” He goes through one can during the day and another at night. These are all signs that maybe just maybe he will be the first cat ever to not die. At least he will be the cat that never dies in my heart.
My family made homage to my dear sweet feline, I now have a plaque that reads, “Only my cat understands me.” In this case I fear it might be true but I have worked hard to be more open with friends. With family I work to protect myself more, and am happier for it. My body continues to be a struggle between what I want to believe to be true and what is true…ugh. Owen continues to struggle with hobbling or as a friend recently mentioning…click click click click go the nails that I am too afraid to have clipped. He is just a little slower, a little older, a little louder, and a little closer to this loving heart of mine.
He is beyond happy about the new blue down comforter that spends more time tangled than spread over the bed. It works for him and it keeps me warm. Its just another comfort for the both of us after a long hard day of not getting to snuggle next to one another b/c one of us has to pay the proverbial bills.

Thanksgiving

Going around the room in a staff meeting was a no brainer when the inevitable question arises...What is everyone thankful this year?....usually the ugh....lets see there is the i can't walk, I'm in pain, i am heartbroken......no not this year....I got to say I am thankful for my Owen all 20 years worth of him. He will be 21 this year. Each day is just another gift and reminder to me that love exists.

I walk these days. I am stiff but as a friend said, you are not in pain and not crying all the time so life is pretty darn great. One of the weird things about botox is though it helped ease my gait, it made me aware of the utter strengthless body I have. Without the hyper tone. I can barely go up stairs. I thought all this time it was muscle and now I know its spacticity I never thought I would say I was thankful for spacticity, but there it is I am. I can climb stairs again. For months this has been more difficult than I care to mention.

So rather get all wound up about what I can not do, or all the things I do not have, I am thankful for my Owen, my friends, my family even though they will never know me the way I might hope for, my yard and right now my newly made warm and cozy bed. Focusing on what is good really does help life seem worth living and worth caring for people despite the risk that entails.

nails and tails.

Owen sleeps now after a long pat. I am continually looking at him, amazed he is still around. He eats more than ever almost two cans a day. There is no signs of inability to digest and he keeps his food down. I feel like its a miracle after all the difficulties he once had with his food. Perhaps just having the vets food, is all he really needed. For now any how. He has gotten used to our new configuration in the bedroom. Given that my bed takes up all the room anyhow, its not much of a change, but at least its different.

I got rid of all the wire hangers in the closet today. He just sat up and watched. One thing checked off the list. Making the bed I made sure to place the blankets in the order that causes him least stress. I hate the meow that accompanies the "I can't unclaw my nail, and its going to get pulled off!!!! meow." One of the worse of the repertoire. He has taken to the habit of trying to scoot out the front door and so today he not only got some time outside but was plenty frustrated, when I let him in some hours later. Yes, I did forget he was out there as a matter of fact. Oh did I get a scolding.

This is yet another attribute that i adore....he never ceases to surprise me with the sounds, the looks, the loyalty. He truly is a gift to remind me that love exists.

Today is the day

This week has been one of recouping. I finally feel like I can function of a reasonable way in all of the areas of my life. My garden is wonderful and continues to bring me joy. I planted marigolds today because I was told the smell of the flowers dissuades the bugs from getting on the tomatoes. We shall see. I got more perennials. Madelene helped me plant some daisy like plaints. that should spread on the rocks. I planted a few more that will not flower this year but next year. I have some more ground cover to plant but overall things are working out. Its lots of time and energy and I am more than happy to put that in to something that will bloom and grow. Something that will appreciate water and sun and care. Something that can be loved without rejection.

Owen is so soft right now. All of the old fur is gone. No nasty tufts anywhere. He has meewed lots today lot of half purring and satisfaction. We have something in common now.

relief

This weekend was one full of activity. I did not cry or bemoan my life. I worked in the garden, worked in my bedroom. I cooked and cleaned. I saw friends, I went out to lunch and out to a band with friends I haven't seen in a long time.

I was honest about my difficulties and received support. I still had some disappointment but overall, I was relieved. I was thankful that I had gone to graduation, glad I saw Evan, and my other Evan. I am aware that people like me at work and want to spend time with me. This is what it feels like to not be depressed all the time. It is what hope brings. Besides, I bought an electric lawn mower. AWESOME.

choosing to be thankful

Owen came outside with me today. He laid on the grass as I mulched, watered, weeded and sweat. He loves to just lay in the sun. I think its the most he has stayedout in quite some time. I continue to be surprised by my enjoyment of gardening, tending, watering and watching pretty things grow. I have to keep remembering that I have and will grow.

I am glad to just take a break from the whole dating thing and pressure. I am so thankful I can walk. I continue to be stubborn when it comes to stretching although, I really have no choice at this point. I get so afraid, I get paralysed. If I just ignore it I will hope it just goes away. It doesn't though. This is my lot, this is my problem. All of us have them some people can hide some people can't. I take everything to heart so much. I want to let go. I want to not worry so much. I want to believe that I am worth all the things I believe about the children with whom I work. I want to be a contented person. I want to walk with my head held high and my soul knowing I am everything the Lord has made me to be. I want to know of his love and his care and his understanding. I want to tread lightly and take life as it comes. I want to live in the knowledge that my life even if it ends tomorrow, has meant something to someone.

I mowed the lawn today. I don't think I can say I ever did that before. I couldn't start the thing but after I had someone help me I mowed. I have wanted to mow the lawn since I can't remember when. My dad would never let me. A mile stone this age of the middle that I reside. I figured that since I am 43 and I got owen when I was 23 then he turns 20 this year. Quite the milestone. I wish I had a camera so I could take time lapsed photography of my garden. I know I will end up back at the nursury again. there are more places to fill in. I want more color and I don't want it to look so semetrical but more natural. The flowers are settling the watering schedule seems to be a part of my routine. I even got a hanging plant inside. This has the potential to mean I will have plants on the inside soon enough. Wow. Things really can and do change.

Owen continues to look well. NO more nasty tufts. The warm weather means I can pull them out withsome ease. Yay. He is so soft normally and it was hard to have to cut so many out. I feared nicking him and fortunately that did not occur. I am less out of shape more willing to get into a weight lifting routine. less listless or depressed. The idea of spending time with those other than my two closest friends seems less abhorent. I just want to plan and do fun things with my friends. I can not even imagine going on anything close to a date. I don't feel like I have anything interesting to say besides.....I mowed the lawn! Somehow, I don't think that will go over well as first date chit chat.

I did find one of my best buddies from college. This makes me smile. He, Jerry and I had some great fun and he was on the beach evangelism trip in 1985 that changed my life. If only I had loved John Wilkinson I would have married him. He loved me so much. I still wonder if anyone will ever come close to loving me as much as he did when we were 2o years old. It must have been painful for him to watch me love another. I know how he feels. I still appreciated his care so much. I am not sure if I just was way to afraid or if he just wasn't someone with whom I would have been compatible. It is probably both of those. There are some not many that match us intellectually, emotionally, physically and spiritually. A friend said it well when he mentioned there is a difference in finding someone attractive and finding someone who might feed your soul. Yes there is and hopefully this is why I am single. Believing and acting as if I am not good enough, worthy enough, deserving enough of love isn't working for me and frankly, isn't from the God with whom I am continuing to learn how to love. Thank you for allowing me to survive despite the odds, please help me to know that I was not a fluke, a mistake or disabled but loved as only you can. AMEN.

Birthday girl or almost

Today I planted, weeded and watered. My yard is looking acceptable now. I have worked pretty hard the last few weeks and am really enjoying the whole process. Its quite a surprise I didn't expect to want to do this well. I keep thinking that this is what I need attention, watering and care. I just have to continue to work on doing it consistently for myself. I have learned how to garden, cooked, walked where I was afraid to walk, walked at all, stretched, stretched and some more stretching. I am hoping I can still get on a horse. I keep working but I am not sure I am doing all that I can or should be doing to keep myself healthy. Thank you for helping me to heal and helping me to no give up on finding love. Thank you for teaching me and loving me even when I have a hard time thinking there is anything worth loving. Thank you for walking, thank you for gardening, thank you for giving Owen another healthy season. Thank you for resolving one of the most difficult cases I have ever encountered. Thank you for Kevin, Molly, Lizzy and Katy. Thank you for Joey and Margaret. Thank you that my family cares and forgives. Thank you that I have a place to live, a car to drive and a job I enjoy. Thank you for helping me be better. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for animals that remind me of your unconditional love. Thank you for my life. AMEN.

lament

From another blogger:

Love is AN ACTION.
It’s a saying and statement that changed my life when I read it. I do not allow people to treat me unlovingly and then say “Sorry.” SORRY does not cut it. It is NOT OKAY for you to mistreat me and then say Sorry and think all will be will okay.
It will not be. One too many sorry’s and you’re destined for the sorry trash heap.

Its all well and good to read that and realize, I am the one that is in the trash heap, I said sorry over and over, I let my standards, my interests, and my previous life drop off and now I am rebuilding. I am figuring out how not to make the same mistakes again. I am almost 43 and trying to accept my middle age. I have no male friends, my girl friends are dealing with lots of stuff like me and we have little time for one another. I miss having fun with Jason, playing backgammon, eating sushi, but I don't miss the fights, the miscommunications, the desire to help when help was not desired, the shock and dismay of not getting our differences. I miss not feeling so alone and the physical affection that was always there. I hate there is nothing I can do to change the past, or the present. Please stop contacting me is the last word. OUCH.

today i had a walk without pain!!!! that is the first time in a while. I have to stretch and stretch. Owen broke my heart tonight. He feel off the bed, he couldn't stop crying....meowing until i found him....so we cried together. he waits for me to be ready to retire....God give me the strength to deal with what may come...

42 for six more days

I hope i can do this. I hope I can process and journal about why fulfilling and finding me feels and fears as if I am giving up on the possibility of being in a relationship. I have so enjoyed my gardening. I look at my yard with pride and gotten up early just to water. I have stretched and stretched just to not be in pain. I hate my body can not tolerate just getting out of bed but loving that I have the choice to walk for now. I love that i am training and accepted at work in a new way. I like that I am not afraid to confront when I need to let someone know how they make me feel regardless of their response. I am excited I have planned and booked my first vacation just for me in years....South WEST here I come. I can't believe I am old and childless but am not bitter and shriveled just questioning and hopeful that at some point I will come to understand something that still hurts. I am thankful for a loving group of friends and family despite their limitations. I LOVE my nephew and nieces and have so enjoyed riding the exciting wave of my nephew's recruiting frenzy....yeah he is a stud. Owen continues to amaze. He so enjoys the sun flowing into the bedroom while he stretches out to have the warmth touch each inch of his body. He is such a love. Please help me remember lord, how much you love me and help me to trust in your goodness and care. I am so glad I still love and care for those with whom feel unlovable.

Gardening and planting

This weekend I bought flowers and vegetables. I planted perennials weeded some and weeded some more. I cut down a dead bush, weeded and weeded. Once one begins this endeavor one realize how much work there is to do. I understand for the first time why gardening is addictive. The goal is beauty. The care and concern comes b/c these things are not just things they are living. They need things from the gardener. Did i mention weeding? The beauty of perennials is they will keep coming back. Next is my azalea and Rhodadendrons....I know they are small but they will grow and be beautiful. My favorite is still my hydrangea. its budding, its come back to life. And the best part is I got a flat garden hose at a yard sale and Wayne just told me they go for 30.00 yay for yard sales...I paid 3 for it!!!