Owen and Grace

He sleeps....He sleeps next to me, on my legs, on a pillow next to me. He meows every time he wakes up or stretches. He purrs and just wants to be around where ever I am. I was thinking today of Gracie, his sister. She was tougher to love. She was not as easily won over. She wanted to be invited but not expected to sit near or on top of my stomach. She was the dominant of the two. Owen got on the wrong end of a swipe more than once. She was the loud mouth frog. Every move she made she squaked. She was the smaller of the two. She never weighed more than 8 or 9 pounds. One of my favorite memories is her putting my parents dog, Dudley in his place. She didn't mess around.

I have such guilt about her b/c I know I loved Owen more. He was so much more affectinate. She was so stubburn, that little carrot topped calico cat. I had no idea she was sick and i had no idea putting her down would to this day be the most horrible experience. It isn't that I haven't been through more difficult or more horrible events This one though, was my decision. This was a choice to put her down. Such a nice way to describe death. I keep thinking that having made that choice makes me responsible. I know it was kind intellectually but I will never forget it. I hope she knows how much I did love her. I really did love her. I still cry just thinking about her. I had no idea how attached I had become to my pets. I had no idea it would still hurt so much.

Satchmo is no Owen

Watched Once tonight, an Irish buscar movie with Scott and Denise. 97% according to Rotten Tomatos, OK it was a sweet, quiet movie, but Satchmo kept wanting me to pet him. Ok, well I am used to owen who only wants attention and love. Satchmo wants to swat you when you are getting too close......Ok so he is beautiful, but he is definately no Owen. Ouch.

"If you can wrap your head around being worthy, then you can do what you love. You can make a movie without lots of money, you can make it happen".....Glen Hansard

parallel lines

Owen got up on the bed today and yesterday after not getting up for a few days. I really miss him when he isn't here. It was like a little gift after having just an awful day. All of my issues and insecurities are so to the surface I can feel them. No longer are there all of these defense mechanisms around me. That is the good news and bad news. I walk around waiting for something else to go wrong. I have no real family support, I have a few really close friends, a good job, and a cat that I desparately want to live forever so I wont have to realize I have no one in my life that has been around for 20 years. Or will it be like today. A day that gives me just a bit of a hope. Owen greeting me at the other side of the bed. A wonderful surprise.

An unexpected repreive from constant reminders of the ball between my legs or the pain that never goes away. I miss Jason but that pain seems trivial to the pain I wish will go away and each day I realize my muscles are tight they are tight and by the way they are tight. Shall I give up? Just throw in the towel. I can't even imagine having that sort of personalizty. Fight to the death. So much so that I think I have lost one of my kindest friends. So I better put this fight into high gear. Its good for something if my gait stops being something that makes me aware of how I feel less than, not as good, like day old bread, cheap and a little stale but tolerable. And then I remember Owen didn't give up he got up on this crazy high bed so if he can do it I can do it. I can stop letting the disdain of others hurt me so.

staring

Staring is an interesting subject. I have been known to win quite a few staring contests in my time. What do I spend time staring at as of late is a knitting video. I will learn no matter how many tries it takes. I will learn. Its great to play it over and over since it is finally getting into my motor memory. Owen stares at me and I am convinced he can still see me although the dark specks in his eyes continue to grow. Staring at the one you love or the one you are infatuated is always fun. There are lots of good things associated with staring.

BUT when people stare at my gait, avert my eyes and go straight to my legs, a chill still finds its way down my spine. Sometimes I want to scream, " my eyes are up here." But I don't and I pass by. "Take a yoga class", Finch suggests, "do you have any idea what is like to watch more coordinated, flexible people while they stare at you and what you cant do?" Ok so I am an adult now and those things stop after elementary school right? Well not in my case it hasn't. He scolds me to remember that Who cares what others think? Well yeah, it all comes back to all the stares in my 42 years. People not looking at me but at my gait. Its like sticky slime that gets washed off a little at a time but just when I think the last of it has been scrubbed off someone else stares at my gait.

So fast forward to today, Physical therapy. A place of torture and safety. Not once, twice or even three times but 4 times I walked back and forth for my PT. That was ok but she was talking to her intern the whole time. Discussing my hip, my this muscle, my that muscle, my knees, walk like this, walk more like that. And then I just snapped. I was done. My little girl who was so tired of the stares looked straight at both of those women and said. "I'm done. You no idea what is like to be stared at and discussed like that like I am an object not Jennie but the limp. Do you have any clue what that feels like with the amount of pain I have gone through lately." Its all I could do to not just say, Fuck YOu. She apologized the intern quickly disappeared, but even at PT I end up having to educate, teach. understand. She just thought I would be fine....oh Jennie she is so high functioning she is a professional, well sometimes Jennie just wants to be helped, and NOT stared at.

Help us and our wretched bodies

Owen tried to get on my bed this afternoon to nap and he can no longer make it up even with the step ladder. I lifted him up and he napped. I stretched. My hip is so tight that I can't seem to loosen it without extreme pain. Even today when I thought I might get some movement and it just spasmed out. Can I get it to loosen am I destined to not get back on a horse? The pain no matter what I do doesnt subside on the hip. Oh my, we are quite the pair. Owen can barely move and I am the spasm queen.

In my heart of hearts i am so afraid. I don't know what any of this really means for my future. I can't maintain without lots of help stretching and I am at a loss. I need a team really so as to not burden too many or have a set schedule. I must believe I can improve despite the difficulty with my hip. I can not let this beat me. I have worked too hard and been through too much pain to stop now. My body continues to just betray me. Now I have to think about wat the ultrasound might find. I don't understand where my faith has gone. I used to know that I was walking with God and he would protect me. Now I cry out for him and I continue to cry. Please help me in my unbelief and in my fear. I want to live believing in purpose, love, and reasons for suffering but all I continue to think and feel is more and more pain. Help me. I need you now more than ever. I am so lost.

poor owen

Poor Owen, Sarah came over to keep me company since the Botox ordeal. She is allergic so unlike normally Owen was not invited onto the couch to watch the Chick flick with us. It almost made me cry such not something he was/is used to. Sarah is a person I have known for almost 20 years. She was in my youth group. I will never forget the day we were in McDonalds with the group and she asked, "Do you only hang out with those who do drugs?" " No , I responded." What in the world did this nice, together honor student from a good Christian home want with me? This was one of my first lessons in being with people for no other reason but b/c maybe God had put them in your path. Sarah and I have been through more than most. We transitioned from Mentor to friend, we survived my rage after she got into an accident in my car in my condo complex and did not offer to help me pay for it. She worked though being gang raped while on a missions trip. She is now a social worker for the Elderly. She is going to get her masters this next year. She asked me once while in high school should she go psychology or social work I said well if you go SW you can get your BSW and your masters will be only a year vs. two for psych. She took my advice and now is flourishing in her career. She is one of the biggest joys of my life other than Owen. It makes me feel that all my commitment to people and young people made a difference. She now is in a situation where she helps me after my own weakness. We worked though the things I didn't think we could manage. She makes me feel like maybe I have something to offer others. Maybe just because I have not had lots of experience with men it doesn't mean I should give up. I have something to offer when it comes to compassion and experience with others. I need to see what others see in me. I need to remember I am not the ugliest ducking in the pond, or the worst person left in the room to dance with. I don't seek pity, I don't expect special treatment, I don't see myself as disabled, I know I am attractive, I am not ashamed to be someone who tries to love God and is thankful for her life most of the time. I need to just find a life for myself that helps me recharge when I am not at work. I need to live a life just as interesting out of work as in work. Please show me how and give me the strength to do so.....amen.

Doctors and care.

Everytime i look over and see his shaved neck I get nervous. At least I helped him and overcame my fear of what the vet might say. Do the right thing seems like a simple thing to say and a tougheer experience. I hope he felt cared for by my choice. He might have just felt abandoned. That is the worse feeling. So glad he feels better now and that i succeeded in taking care of him. Sometimes its the little things that mean the most.

Yesterday I had to go to the OBGYN. I was so nervous. It is usually a very difficult expereince. Perhaps this time my legs with all the botox will be easier to get up on those stirrups. Not this time. Still really uncomfortable. My doctor rules, not only did she decide a while ago to use a childrens speculum. It made all the difference. but she said, "would you rather rest your leg on me?" yes, if you do not mind? No, problem, no pain. The whole experience was I would not say enjoyable but not uncomfortable in the least. I thanked the doctor and said. "you are the only one that does not hurt me." She looked at me and smiled. No one let you rest your leg out of the stirrups, . No I said. So simple to be sensitive to someone with limited mobility. It made all the difference. That is what practicing responsible medicine is all about. I left relieved and happy that I no longer had to dread what I had always had to fear. Now if I have to go to another OB at some point I will know how to advocate for myself if I can't get comfortable in the stirrups. Wonderful. Owen and I both got taken care of and can feel better for it.