staring

Staring is an interesting subject. I have been known to win quite a few staring contests in my time. What do I spend time staring at as of late is a knitting video. I will learn no matter how many tries it takes. I will learn. Its great to play it over and over since it is finally getting into my motor memory. Owen stares at me and I am convinced he can still see me although the dark specks in his eyes continue to grow. Staring at the one you love or the one you are infatuated is always fun. There are lots of good things associated with staring.

BUT when people stare at my gait, avert my eyes and go straight to my legs, a chill still finds its way down my spine. Sometimes I want to scream, " my eyes are up here." But I don't and I pass by. "Take a yoga class", Finch suggests, "do you have any idea what is like to watch more coordinated, flexible people while they stare at you and what you cant do?" Ok so I am an adult now and those things stop after elementary school right? Well not in my case it hasn't. He scolds me to remember that Who cares what others think? Well yeah, it all comes back to all the stares in my 42 years. People not looking at me but at my gait. Its like sticky slime that gets washed off a little at a time but just when I think the last of it has been scrubbed off someone else stares at my gait.

So fast forward to today, Physical therapy. A place of torture and safety. Not once, twice or even three times but 4 times I walked back and forth for my PT. That was ok but she was talking to her intern the whole time. Discussing my hip, my this muscle, my that muscle, my knees, walk like this, walk more like that. And then I just snapped. I was done. My little girl who was so tired of the stares looked straight at both of those women and said. "I'm done. You no idea what is like to be stared at and discussed like that like I am an object not Jennie but the limp. Do you have any clue what that feels like with the amount of pain I have gone through lately." Its all I could do to not just say, Fuck YOu. She apologized the intern quickly disappeared, but even at PT I end up having to educate, teach. understand. She just thought I would be fine....oh Jennie she is so high functioning she is a professional, well sometimes Jennie just wants to be helped, and NOT stared at.