parallel lines

Owen got up on the bed today and yesterday after not getting up for a few days. I really miss him when he isn't here. It was like a little gift after having just an awful day. All of my issues and insecurities are so to the surface I can feel them. No longer are there all of these defense mechanisms around me. That is the good news and bad news. I walk around waiting for something else to go wrong. I have no real family support, I have a few really close friends, a good job, and a cat that I desparately want to live forever so I wont have to realize I have no one in my life that has been around for 20 years. Or will it be like today. A day that gives me just a bit of a hope. Owen greeting me at the other side of the bed. A wonderful surprise.

An unexpected repreive from constant reminders of the ball between my legs or the pain that never goes away. I miss Jason but that pain seems trivial to the pain I wish will go away and each day I realize my muscles are tight they are tight and by the way they are tight. Shall I give up? Just throw in the towel. I can't even imagine having that sort of personalizty. Fight to the death. So much so that I think I have lost one of my kindest friends. So I better put this fight into high gear. Its good for something if my gait stops being something that makes me aware of how I feel less than, not as good, like day old bread, cheap and a little stale but tolerable. And then I remember Owen didn't give up he got up on this crazy high bed so if he can do it I can do it. I can stop letting the disdain of others hurt me so.