Atonement

Atonement, reparation for an offense or injury or in this case a beautiful movie. I was so incensed by the wrong committed in this movie. It is awful to accuse and lie. What if one convinces oneself of rightness as in this case. The clues seemed to add up but in fact they did not. Reconciliation reparation such beautiful words but damage is not so easily forgiven. I think that is why grace is such a tough word to wrap my head around. On one hand I want so desperately to be forgiven on the other I don't think I truly deserve it. Maybe that really is the point. Perhaps none of us truly deserve the hands that we are dealt or the forgiveness that so often befalls us from the people with whom we are connected. Maybe we do, though. Isn't that what I wonder as I stay up and think....maybe I really do deserve everything that has happened to me. I just don't or can't accept that. I can't allow that life deals fairly with any of us. Who deserves to be raped, sexually abused by their dad or have their mother taken from them b/c of a drunk driver. That is just absurd I have to say God, all that you allow in this world to happen to children makes my stomach turn. If one more person tries to explain free will to me I am going to gag. I realize I will never have the mind of God but that doesn't mean I can't be completely appauled at your allowing innocence to be perverted in such horrendous ways. I know you love me and you love them and I know your heart must ache more than I can imagine for them. I am just tired of fighting for the voices of those who have lost or think their voice doesn't matter. Please help. Please don't let Evil win so much. Please help me remember that healing is possible and LOVE will prevail over ignorance, selfishness and indifference.

Misguided and wrong about anger

Ventilation.....venting your anger. I always thought it was a good strategy. come to find out from some reading and one of my client's a boy that can't seem to keep his hands off other kids when he is upset that all venting does is rehearses your anger. There is no problem solving or solution attempted only a release which in the moment might help but in the long run accomplishes nothing except alienating someone that you like. Anger is a feeling or a signal that something is wrong or needs to be changed. It isn't a solution to a problem. It creates more problems if viewed in another way than to help one identify something. Man o Man if only I had grasped this as a younger person. I might be in a much calmer place.

I have held anger up on a pedestal. I told myself it would motivate me, protect me from those who had harmed me. All it has really done is keep me more angry, alone and unable to let go of the things that hurt me before I hurt others and make it worse. Help me learn how to solve, identify and let go rather than vent and gain strength from the noose I have created in my wrong ideas about the helpfulness of anger.

Love and adoption

I had a rough day, meeting pre-adoptive homes for one of my kids. I promised her I would meet anyone we would consider for adoption. I thought, I talked, I explained everything I know about this child. My heart is breaking. It will officially kill me if they take her and then return her. I tried to make it clear that she did have issues, she does need lots of help learning how to be a young girl. She needs to be loved, accepted, held accountable. To name a few. I will miss her.

She isn't one of my kids, she is my client. I do not have children. I will not have biological children. Maybe I will adopt with someone who loves me. Otherwise I can't do it alone. I don't want to do it alone. I could and would do it if I had to but its not the ideal. I really miss him, and his pseudo mom his cats and that lovable dog. Thank God I have Owen who waits and looks forward to me coming home. So many losses, so much to handle, Please help us accept being loved and cared for even if we are not sure we deserve it.

Owen and Mommy.

We sat, cuddled and I cut matted fur off his 19 year old body. It's become a regular occurrence as I am bound and determined to have him be matte free at some point. I love that he lets be hug him and we sit face to face while he purrs and I pet. He lets me cut out his tufts even though there is a whole nother meow into the mix. Its a mix between a meow and a growl of disapproval in essence....meowl....Oh joy is time for that big red ball between my legs to fight the adductors desire to cross or in CP speak scissoring.

My mom called and we chatted. A knee replacement hurts, It hurts, i mean it really HURTS. Her percocetts make her not be able to sleep me....all I wanted to do on percs is sleep. So we compared notes. She asked about my CP. She didn't have a clue about spasms, palsy or scissoring either. "you know if I had known I would have told you." One of the kindest things she has ever said. She had no idea what was happening to me either. No one ever explained it to her. It makes me cry just to write it. She would have helped me if she had known how. This was an unexpected gift. Thanks Mommy. I love you too.

Juno and happiness

Juno is one of the best movies ever. Her dialogue is quintessential teenage. Her cadence is so much like Sam's it was freaky. It just made me happy. Her boyfriend was exactly how I would characterize a high school boy. The holding her underwear was all we needed to know he was hopelessly in love.

It felt good to be out of the house on a weekend. Its been a while. I have learned how to purl now I know the two basic stitches. It's a great feeling. I spent tons of time over the week at meetings and now i have something to do beside try and pay attention. I have to gear up for more swimming, more stretching and more working out. Juno was a great way to spend a few hours except for all the thoughts of how much Jason would be laughing if we we watching it together.

Sarah and I went out to eat. Our waiter carded us, sent me the bill and then took off our drinks. Yay. Such a small gesture, but just such a kind thing for no reason, makes me think, OK sometimes people really do nice things without motive. On another happy note, Owen continues to stick close to me at all times. He spent lots of time on my chest today. He curls up and looks like a kitten sometimes, then I see his gray filled rings around his eyes and know he is wise and loving from all those years of being there for me.

To do nothing or to be nothing

I can't even remember the last time I did something on a Saturday or Sunday. Its ironic really. One of the things that used to drive me nuts about Yason is that he would sleep all day or not leave his room, house. Now the idea, that I have to get back out there isn't all that appetizing. A friend asked me if I was sitting on the couch unable to because I was depressed or because I wanted to be there.

I have been telling myself, I want to be here, there is a part of me though, that worries I might run into him after church. There is another part of me that is tired. There is a part of me that is just used to not doing anything. I have been doing laundry lately. So that is something. Everything just seems so unappealing. Is that depression? Well since I have been depressed and on antidepressants now for ....years its hard to differentiate. I am more contented with my life now. I love that I taught myself to knit. I am trying to learn purling right now. Not so simple but I will get it. I like swimming a lot. I love the jacuzzi. I am a good therapist. I want to be a great therapist. I want to make kids lives better. I want to believe that I have good things to offer my friends. I want to make choices based on my intuition not just my feelings. I don't want to feel like a prisoner of my own home. I don't want to have CP especially when I spasm, I don't want to increase my lift. I do want better posture, I don't want to develop back problems. I do want someone to know me and not turn away from me. I do want to grow in my love of God. I do not want to be ashamed of being a Christian. I don't want people to be hurt by selfish idiots in the name of God who show no compassion, care. or grace towards their fellow man. I want to not miss or think of Jason every weekend day.

Cerebral Palsy defined

I read the latest installment of Dr. Botox's assessment of me. He sends me his notes that he gives to both my physical therapist and my insurance company I suppose. Its strange to read something about yourself that you just realized is a part of you. Cerebral Palsy Palsy " a condition marked by uncontrollable tremor of the body or a part." Cerebral Palsy is defined as, "a disability resulting from damage to the brain before, during, or shortly after birth and outwardly manifested by muscular incoordination and speech disturbances " Muscle incoordination is a nice way of saying, your body doesn't move the way you would like. Spasms are the worst part really. "an involuntary and abnormal muscular contraction." Translation as I sit with my legs apart with a big red ball in between my aductors and my left leg, hip whatever starts to release move feel a little less tight, I can feel it. I start to get scared then I try to breathe, I say to myself something like, I don't have to be afraid I don't have to spasm. Its Ok, I can handle it, I can beat this. then it happens. Spasm.....everything shakes on both sides and there is an intense pulling in of the muscles.....its like my muscles are going....FUCK YOU. I can usually handle two major ones before I am like....OK OK, you win, and I remove the big red ball and go back to sleep....in essence a failure. I am so tired of fighting with them, but if I don't they win and they continue to inhibit my movement. Someone once said, you are the one that knows your own body, Well what do you do when your own body fights your every move? I am not the master of my body, my body would prefer for me to give up so it can become a tight, wad crumpled, crooked, and cursed. Sometimes I want to just curl up and pretend like it will all be OK. I can't though b/c it wont. Not in this life anyhow.