Cerebral Palsy defined

I read the latest installment of Dr. Botox's assessment of me. He sends me his notes that he gives to both my physical therapist and my insurance company I suppose. Its strange to read something about yourself that you just realized is a part of you. Cerebral Palsy Palsy " a condition marked by uncontrollable tremor of the body or a part." Cerebral Palsy is defined as, "a disability resulting from damage to the brain before, during, or shortly after birth and outwardly manifested by muscular incoordination and speech disturbances " Muscle incoordination is a nice way of saying, your body doesn't move the way you would like. Spasms are the worst part really. "an involuntary and abnormal muscular contraction." Translation as I sit with my legs apart with a big red ball in between my aductors and my left leg, hip whatever starts to release move feel a little less tight, I can feel it. I start to get scared then I try to breathe, I say to myself something like, I don't have to be afraid I don't have to spasm. Its Ok, I can handle it, I can beat this. then it happens. Spasm.....everything shakes on both sides and there is an intense pulling in of the muscles.....its like my muscles are going....FUCK YOU. I can usually handle two major ones before I am like....OK OK, you win, and I remove the big red ball and go back to sleep....in essence a failure. I am so tired of fighting with them, but if I don't they win and they continue to inhibit my movement. Someone once said, you are the one that knows your own body, Well what do you do when your own body fights your every move? I am not the master of my body, my body would prefer for me to give up so it can become a tight, wad crumpled, crooked, and cursed. Sometimes I want to just curl up and pretend like it will all be OK. I can't though b/c it wont. Not in this life anyhow.