I can't even remember the last time I did something on a Saturday or Sunday. Its ironic really. One of the things that used to drive me nuts about Yason is that he would sleep all day or not leave his room, house. Now the idea, that I have to get back out there isn't all that appetizing. A friend asked me if I was sitting on the couch unable to because I was depressed or because I wanted to be there.
I have been telling myself, I want to be here, there is a part of me though, that worries I might run into him after church. There is another part of me that is tired. There is a part of me that is just used to not doing anything. I have been doing laundry lately. So that is something. Everything just seems so unappealing. Is that depression? Well since I have been depressed and on antidepressants now for ....years its hard to differentiate. I am more contented with my life now. I love that I taught myself to knit. I am trying to learn purling right now. Not so simple but I will get it. I like swimming a lot. I love the jacuzzi. I am a good therapist. I want to be a great therapist. I want to make kids lives better. I want to believe that I have good things to offer my friends. I want to make choices based on my intuition not just my feelings. I don't want to feel like a prisoner of my own home. I don't want to have CP especially when I spasm, I don't want to increase my lift. I do want better posture, I don't want to develop back problems. I do want someone to know me and not turn away from me. I do want to grow in my love of God. I do not want to be ashamed of being a Christian. I don't want people to be hurt by selfish idiots in the name of God who show no compassion, care. or grace towards their fellow man. I want to not miss or think of Jason every weekend day.
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