This morning Owen was in his usual position in a round ball next to my head. he feels when i move and gives me a mmmrrrr and goes back to sleep. This last week I have moved my curtain so that the sun shines in from the top of window. I made this concession b/c he loves to lay in the sun. Before going to work I found him postured toward the window with his eyes closed. One of the best gifts in my life is his hugs and purrs. I am grateful for this concrete reminder that I am loved.
The children with whom I work care for me too. Its been one of those weeks where I can look and see the difference I have made. Its a rare occurrence so I am going to celebrate. One young girl who has had more familial abuse and a mother dying of cancer is about to be adopted by a loving family. A brilliant young boy , blew everyone away with his amazing test scores proving that he is not a behavior problem just incredibly bored. He received a special plan to increase his academic challenges and teach to his learning style. The entire team loves this kid and was on the same page as to how to help him. This is amazing. Thank you for another reminder of my strengths and my worth in the midst of struggle.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Someday
I can't decide if I have a life and just don't know it or if I just am so familiar with bemoaning my life or if I just expected to know what to do and I would all of a sudden have a life, a purpose a reason for living. I have been fine when it has come to my career. I seemed to know what I wanted what I was good at. I knew my strengths and knew my weaknesses. I thought I understood emotions, empathy, how to relate to others how to have real friendships. Now I look at those things and I wonder. I think my shyness really did inhibit my social development. More because I felt like I was not shy, people who made hurtful comments created a self-protected, brave young girl. This little girl did not come out of her shell until college. I think of all the social groups I became a part of so that could be friends and meet men. Christian men.
Dave Hornes Bible Study
Park Street church cafe...and then Crossroads
MeetChristians.com
Grace Chapel/ Basics
E Harmony
Match.com
Eight Minute Dating
I am sure I must be forgetting some along the way and I met no one with whom I connected for more than a few dates. I know I am not a perfect person. I know I have lots of flaws, but so do most people. I am attractive, I have a brain I do not expect someone to be gorgeous, rich, or without problems.
Its interesting that the two men I have had romantic relationships with did not believe in a God, a higher power, or considered the spiritual side of life particularly relevant. What does that say about me? Am I convinced that I have the power to change their mind? or it is that they verbalize and consider the doubts I used to/still have? Maybe its a little of both. Both of these men truly cared for me as a person but could not commit to me long term. Why did they not fall in love with me? Why do I chose men that do not fall in love with me the way I fall for them? These are things worth considering. I try to think about why this last break up feels so terrible as opposed to the one before. One thing was I said no contact and said that if I called him to tell him something to no call back. I set the rules....J set the rules for us after I could not handle the friendship thing. This exposed me in a way that was so embarrassing, humiliating, weak of me that he had to do what I knew and could not give myself all along. It also comes down to the real friendship I had with this man. It is a much deeper sense of loss than I have experienced previously. My first relationship really surrounded physical intimacy while this one was so much more of a friendship. Maybe part of that was his lack of romantic love for me. I think I owe him so much for showing me the unimportance of sex versus relationship. Sex is part of it but not the largest portion. The humiliation of the way things finally ended will be a wound not easily healed.
I was 39 without any romantic relationship experience. I had abstained for so long I had idealized the sexual part of the relationship because it was the one thing I had not experienced and FEAR of never having it propelled me into my first relationship which was not committed or in the long run healthy. With J. I learned some valuable lessons. Hopefully I will have an opportunity to benefit from what I think I might have learned with someone else.
I am not sure all of this effort to meet men has been a worthwhile endeavor. Perhaps I should have spent more time trying to improve the quality of my life. The thing is I had a good job I had friends, I did not have romantic attachment. So that is what I thought would make me happier. I wonder what my life would have looked like if I had chosen to take anti-depressants ten years prior. Would this have made me a more comfortable, able to tolerate the awkwardness I feel around men? Is this what created such a late bloomer. I had to spend so much energy just trying to feel OK. I did not have too much more energy to help me in other areas of my life.
I want to put more energy into me, what makes me more content, maybe I will be alone and end up with cats, dogs, etc. I guess it could be worse. I could not have a job I enjoy not have a house that is my own, not have an incredible companion names Owen baby, not have people that care if I live or die, not be able to walk, be blind, or completely alone with no one. Even though I feel like I am alone, I have lots of people that care, I have no one to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning, I have no one to call and say goodnight, I have no one to help me change the light bulbs, or no one to get a pizza and watch a movie. I know I idealize the romantic relationship, I know I have watched way too many schmaltzy movies, and believed all those fairy tales as the gospel truth. I know I am wrong about many things but I do know I have the capacity to give my heart to someone and receive love from someone someday.
Dave Hornes Bible Study
Park Street church cafe...and then Crossroads
MeetChristians.com
Grace Chapel/ Basics
E Harmony
Match.com
Eight Minute Dating
I am sure I must be forgetting some along the way and I met no one with whom I connected for more than a few dates. I know I am not a perfect person. I know I have lots of flaws, but so do most people. I am attractive, I have a brain I do not expect someone to be gorgeous, rich, or without problems.
Its interesting that the two men I have had romantic relationships with did not believe in a God, a higher power, or considered the spiritual side of life particularly relevant. What does that say about me? Am I convinced that I have the power to change their mind? or it is that they verbalize and consider the doubts I used to/still have? Maybe its a little of both. Both of these men truly cared for me as a person but could not commit to me long term. Why did they not fall in love with me? Why do I chose men that do not fall in love with me the way I fall for them? These are things worth considering. I try to think about why this last break up feels so terrible as opposed to the one before. One thing was I said no contact and said that if I called him to tell him something to no call back. I set the rules....J set the rules for us after I could not handle the friendship thing. This exposed me in a way that was so embarrassing, humiliating, weak of me that he had to do what I knew and could not give myself all along. It also comes down to the real friendship I had with this man. It is a much deeper sense of loss than I have experienced previously. My first relationship really surrounded physical intimacy while this one was so much more of a friendship. Maybe part of that was his lack of romantic love for me. I think I owe him so much for showing me the unimportance of sex versus relationship. Sex is part of it but not the largest portion. The humiliation of the way things finally ended will be a wound not easily healed.
I was 39 without any romantic relationship experience. I had abstained for so long I had idealized the sexual part of the relationship because it was the one thing I had not experienced and FEAR of never having it propelled me into my first relationship which was not committed or in the long run healthy. With J. I learned some valuable lessons. Hopefully I will have an opportunity to benefit from what I think I might have learned with someone else.
I am not sure all of this effort to meet men has been a worthwhile endeavor. Perhaps I should have spent more time trying to improve the quality of my life. The thing is I had a good job I had friends, I did not have romantic attachment. So that is what I thought would make me happier. I wonder what my life would have looked like if I had chosen to take anti-depressants ten years prior. Would this have made me a more comfortable, able to tolerate the awkwardness I feel around men? Is this what created such a late bloomer. I had to spend so much energy just trying to feel OK. I did not have too much more energy to help me in other areas of my life.
I want to put more energy into me, what makes me more content, maybe I will be alone and end up with cats, dogs, etc. I guess it could be worse. I could not have a job I enjoy not have a house that is my own, not have an incredible companion names Owen baby, not have people that care if I live or die, not be able to walk, be blind, or completely alone with no one. Even though I feel like I am alone, I have lots of people that care, I have no one to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning, I have no one to call and say goodnight, I have no one to help me change the light bulbs, or no one to get a pizza and watch a movie. I know I idealize the romantic relationship, I know I have watched way too many schmaltzy movies, and believed all those fairy tales as the gospel truth. I know I am wrong about many things but I do know I have the capacity to give my heart to someone and receive love from someone someday.
Monday, April 28, 2008
The reasons I put up with all this Grieving sh@t
Grief is one of those things that can and will be worked out. I have been reading the grief recovery handbook and will begin the exercises soon. This sucks...BUT, What I appreciate so far is the premise that grief is real and has to be identified as such. It also confirms what I had also come to understand that when I have experienced a loss every time I experiencing another one I react and mourn as if all of my losses are fresh and in front of me. How validating to read it in a book from two people that are not in the psychological field but both sufferers of loss. They were so aware of the lack of help or understanding of loss they made it their lives work to help others who were grieving. They offer hope. Myths that don't help just make us feel worse. Here is one that has make me feel awful....Time heals.....Not if you don't do anything to heal.....I always hated this b/c I never seemed to heal with just time and felt I must be emotionally and physcially defective. GREAT.
Sunday I went through a whole roll of toilet paper and the water works felt like they would never stop crying. I hope feeling my feelings means i am healing. Its exhausting to cry like that. I did face some of my fears yesterday and walked the town in which he lives. I have not been able to do that for several months for fear of running into him. I cant live in fear. I was thinking about the myth of safety.
I have spent so much time trying to play it safe to avoid getting hurt but what that has done is just give me little practice in the life of the heart. I felt most at home in the unrequited relationship reinforcing all those ideas that someone could not possibly love me. I chose over and over to not look at the red flags the obvious messages that told me that there was no mutuality in the feelings I had for these men. Safe, unfulfilling and reinforcing my low opinion of myself. I so created this situation. Things sometimes just happen like falling for someone. But I chose/or I could not move on, heal, work though whatever it was. I did not learn how to do it differently.... Lots of therapy and all my therapist at the time did was minimize how I felt and not understand why I didn't just move on. I really had no idea how. That was one of the reasons I was in therapy!!!!! HELLO.
It is funny insight does not bring happiness, it makes me more sad. I know what I did wrong, I know how I contributed to how I got to be almost forty three and single with one real relationship with a man in her history. I will continue in this path of insight b/c I want to be in a fulfilling mutually satisfying loving relationship. I don't think a relationship can and will make me happy. I am a depressed person naturally, but I come alive when I care deeply for someone. I like being with people and knowing I am cared for is the best confidence builder there is. I fear I will be alone for the rest of my life. If I give into that fearI will build walls around my heart to become a safe isolated place. I will be miserable and a coward increasing my insecurity. One of the only things that has helped me is taking risks and creating challenges. Confronting my fear is tiring and I get sick of it, however, It is great to know I didn't cave. Grieving, sh@t is the worst b/c it feels like I have completely given in to all my fears and given up. All my reasonable thinking skills just leave and that needy, abandonment issue girl takes over. This is why I am taking this grieving thing so seriously. I don't want that abandonment girl to rule any more of my future tries at love. She has created enough humiliation and it has to be stopped.
Sunday I went through a whole roll of toilet paper and the water works felt like they would never stop crying. I hope feeling my feelings means i am healing. Its exhausting to cry like that. I did face some of my fears yesterday and walked the town in which he lives. I have not been able to do that for several months for fear of running into him. I cant live in fear. I was thinking about the myth of safety.
I have spent so much time trying to play it safe to avoid getting hurt but what that has done is just give me little practice in the life of the heart. I felt most at home in the unrequited relationship reinforcing all those ideas that someone could not possibly love me. I chose over and over to not look at the red flags the obvious messages that told me that there was no mutuality in the feelings I had for these men. Safe, unfulfilling and reinforcing my low opinion of myself. I so created this situation. Things sometimes just happen like falling for someone. But I chose/or I could not move on, heal, work though whatever it was. I did not learn how to do it differently.... Lots of therapy and all my therapist at the time did was minimize how I felt and not understand why I didn't just move on. I really had no idea how. That was one of the reasons I was in therapy!!!!! HELLO.
It is funny insight does not bring happiness, it makes me more sad. I know what I did wrong, I know how I contributed to how I got to be almost forty three and single with one real relationship with a man in her history. I will continue in this path of insight b/c I want to be in a fulfilling mutually satisfying loving relationship. I don't think a relationship can and will make me happy. I am a depressed person naturally, but I come alive when I care deeply for someone. I like being with people and knowing I am cared for is the best confidence builder there is. I fear I will be alone for the rest of my life. If I give into that fearI will build walls around my heart to become a safe isolated place. I will be miserable and a coward increasing my insecurity. One of the only things that has helped me is taking risks and creating challenges. Confronting my fear is tiring and I get sick of it, however, It is great to know I didn't cave. Grieving, sh@t is the worst b/c it feels like I have completely given in to all my fears and given up. All my reasonable thinking skills just leave and that needy, abandonment issue girl takes over. This is why I am taking this grieving thing so seriously. I don't want that abandonment girl to rule any more of my future tries at love. She has created enough humiliation and it has to be stopped.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
gardening and growing
Ok so gardening is super therapeutic I must admit. It is sort of addicting too. Weeding feels really good. Tilling the soil for the upcoming vegetable garden. Its exciting actually. It made me glad that sometimes we just have to keep moving. I went to a party tonight with some friends and had fun. This a a great start.
The curiosity that killed that cat got me tonight and I checked his blog for the first time in over two months. I can berate myself or just rejoice that I got a chance to see a picture of his daughter in Rockport. YAY!!!!!! I am glad I looked. I am so happy for him. I thought about emailing him or something but this is the only place I put anything about him. It is my only safe place. My friends are all set with Jason talk. My family well they were never in the loop. Owen well he knows it all and still loves us both as it should be.
It is funny that things seem so simple when they are not happening to you. I would have never thought I would not be able to understand and act on the simple request of no contact. Its another thing that will remind me that sometimes other factors take over. Like the "I am not worth anyone's time or energy" factor. That has been one of my most cherished ones. I still remember the time I had sex when I didn't like what was happening and I was crying on the inside and yet I never said stop, or don't or I do not like that. I would have never believed I would have ever done that either.
I hope I have learned these lessons. I am tired of being humiliated and yet it still seems so normal. I look forward to the day when its so out of the question that it smells wretched and to resist it will be simpler. One day at a time. one weed at a time. Focus on what I can change, Focus on what I can do today, let go of what mistakes I made yesterday and enjoy each day. Nothing is guaranteed. No one can complete us. We must complete ourselves one step at a time.
I am glad that I still have my fantabulous cat, spring is here, I am painless, and grateful. Good things are happening we all deserve good things and good people to support us. Life is too hard otherwise. Amen.
The curiosity that killed that cat got me tonight and I checked his blog for the first time in over two months. I can berate myself or just rejoice that I got a chance to see a picture of his daughter in Rockport. YAY!!!!!! I am glad I looked. I am so happy for him. I thought about emailing him or something but this is the only place I put anything about him. It is my only safe place. My friends are all set with Jason talk. My family well they were never in the loop. Owen well he knows it all and still loves us both as it should be.
It is funny that things seem so simple when they are not happening to you. I would have never thought I would not be able to understand and act on the simple request of no contact. Its another thing that will remind me that sometimes other factors take over. Like the "I am not worth anyone's time or energy" factor. That has been one of my most cherished ones. I still remember the time I had sex when I didn't like what was happening and I was crying on the inside and yet I never said stop, or don't or I do not like that. I would have never believed I would have ever done that either.
I hope I have learned these lessons. I am tired of being humiliated and yet it still seems so normal. I look forward to the day when its so out of the question that it smells wretched and to resist it will be simpler. One day at a time. one weed at a time. Focus on what I can change, Focus on what I can do today, let go of what mistakes I made yesterday and enjoy each day. Nothing is guaranteed. No one can complete us. We must complete ourselves one step at a time.
I am glad that I still have my fantabulous cat, spring is here, I am painless, and grateful. Good things are happening we all deserve good things and good people to support us. Life is too hard otherwise. Amen.
“If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis.”
“If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis.”
This is what I needed today. It is so easy for me to sit around like today, a beautiful day and do absolutely nothing. Well the thing is if nothing changes then nothing changes. I can't expect the quality of my life to improve if I do nothing to improve it. I love sitting and petting Owen. There is more to life than just this. Fear has to stop influencing me. It doesn't help me. It does nothing for me except keeping me where I do not what to be. I have no one to blame, I have no one with whom I can depend. I have me and my resources. I have God who has given me things that I can chose to use or I can chose to let them rot.
The inertia I experience is immense. Ironic really. If I had been this sort of person previously I would have not had half the amount of disagreements as I ended up having with my ex. Lets explore the paranoia for a moment, "ah look there is that woman, LOok she is alone. Wow she must be such a loser. Oh and look at her limp, that poor dear. She must have such a hard life. " Are any of those thoughts the least bit helpful? Oh yeah they help me keep doing nothing so nothing changes. yeah, that is the ticket.
“If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis.”
This is what I needed today. It is so easy for me to sit around like today, a beautiful day and do absolutely nothing. Well the thing is if nothing changes then nothing changes. I can't expect the quality of my life to improve if I do nothing to improve it. I love sitting and petting Owen. There is more to life than just this. Fear has to stop influencing me. It doesn't help me. It does nothing for me except keeping me where I do not what to be. I have no one to blame, I have no one with whom I can depend. I have me and my resources. I have God who has given me things that I can chose to use or I can chose to let them rot.
The inertia I experience is immense. Ironic really. If I had been this sort of person previously I would have not had half the amount of disagreements as I ended up having with my ex. Lets explore the paranoia for a moment, "ah look there is that woman, LOok she is alone. Wow she must be such a loser. Oh and look at her limp, that poor dear. She must have such a hard life. " Are any of those thoughts the least bit helpful? Oh yeah they help me keep doing nothing so nothing changes. yeah, that is the ticket.
“If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis.”
Friday, April 25, 2008
Penquins
"I like the way you walk, you want to know why?"
"Why?"
"Because my favorite animal is a penguin."
This was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me.
She is an awesome kid.
"Why?"
"Because my favorite animal is a penguin."
This was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me.
She is an awesome kid.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
On my way to a website?
Another quiet day. It is always a challenge to go back to work after a several day break. So while reading some of my favorite women blogs I learned about this website? not even sure how to describe it but I put in my interests and it takes me to websites that I might like....how much fun is that!
This is one of the gems I found tonight:
"Seven Blunders of the World"
1. Wealth without work
2. Pleasure without conscience
3. Knowledge without character
4. Commerce without morality
5. Science without humanity
6. Worship without sacrifice
7. Politics without principle
—Mahatma Gandhi
This is one of the gems I found tonight:
"Seven Blunders of the World"
1. Wealth without work
2. Pleasure without conscience
3. Knowledge without character
4. Commerce without morality
5. Science without humanity
6. Worship without sacrifice
7. Politics without principle
—Mahatma Gandhi
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