gardening and growing

Ok so gardening is super therapeutic I must admit. It is sort of addicting too. Weeding feels really good. Tilling the soil for the upcoming vegetable garden. Its exciting actually. It made me glad that sometimes we just have to keep moving. I went to a party tonight with some friends and had fun. This a a great start.

The curiosity that killed that cat got me tonight and I checked his blog for the first time in over two months. I can berate myself or just rejoice that I got a chance to see a picture of his daughter in Rockport. YAY!!!!!! I am glad I looked. I am so happy for him. I thought about emailing him or something but this is the only place I put anything about him. It is my only safe place. My friends are all set with Jason talk. My family well they were never in the loop. Owen well he knows it all and still loves us both as it should be.

It is funny that things seem so simple when they are not happening to you. I would have never thought I would not be able to understand and act on the simple request of no contact. Its another thing that will remind me that sometimes other factors take over. Like the "I am not worth anyone's time or energy" factor. That has been one of my most cherished ones. I still remember the time I had sex when I didn't like what was happening and I was crying on the inside and yet I never said stop, or don't or I do not like that. I would have never believed I would have ever done that either.

I hope I have learned these lessons. I am tired of being humiliated and yet it still seems so normal. I look forward to the day when its so out of the question that it smells wretched and to resist it will be simpler. One day at a time. one weed at a time. Focus on what I can change, Focus on what I can do today, let go of what mistakes I made yesterday and enjoy each day. Nothing is guaranteed. No one can complete us. We must complete ourselves one step at a time.

I am glad that I still have my fantabulous cat, spring is here, I am painless, and grateful. Good things are happening we all deserve good things and good people to support us. Life is too hard otherwise. Amen.