The reasons I put up with all this Grieving sh@t

Grief is one of those things that can and will be worked out. I have been reading the grief recovery handbook and will begin the exercises soon. This sucks...BUT, What I appreciate so far is the premise that grief is real and has to be identified as such. It also confirms what I had also come to understand that when I have experienced a loss every time I experiencing another one I react and mourn as if all of my losses are fresh and in front of me. How validating to read it in a book from two people that are not in the psychological field but both sufferers of loss. They were so aware of the lack of help or understanding of loss they made it their lives work to help others who were grieving. They offer hope. Myths that don't help just make us feel worse. Here is one that has make me feel awful....Time heals.....Not if you don't do anything to heal.....I always hated this b/c I never seemed to heal with just time and felt I must be emotionally and physcially defective. GREAT.

Sunday I went through a whole roll of toilet paper and the water works felt like they would never stop crying. I hope feeling my feelings means i am healing. Its exhausting to cry like that. I did face some of my fears yesterday and walked the town in which he lives. I have not been able to do that for several months for fear of running into him. I cant live in fear. I was thinking about the myth of safety.

I have spent so much time trying to play it safe to avoid getting hurt but what that has done is just give me little practice in the life of the heart. I felt most at home in the unrequited relationship reinforcing all those ideas that someone could not possibly love me. I chose over and over to not look at the red flags the obvious messages that told me that there was no mutuality in the feelings I had for these men. Safe, unfulfilling and reinforcing my low opinion of myself. I so created this situation. Things sometimes just happen like falling for someone. But I chose/or I could not move on, heal, work though whatever it was. I did not learn how to do it differently.... Lots of therapy and all my therapist at the time did was minimize how I felt and not understand why I didn't just move on. I really had no idea how. That was one of the reasons I was in therapy!!!!! HELLO.

It is funny insight does not bring happiness, it makes me more sad. I know what I did wrong, I know how I contributed to how I got to be almost forty three and single with one real relationship with a man in her history. I will continue in this path of insight b/c I want to be in a fulfilling mutually satisfying loving relationship. I don't think a relationship can and will make me happy. I am a depressed person naturally, but I come alive when I care deeply for someone. I like being with people and knowing I am cared for is the best confidence builder there is. I fear I will be alone for the rest of my life. If I give into that fearI will build walls around my heart to become a safe isolated place. I will be miserable and a coward increasing my insecurity. One of the only things that has helped me is taking risks and creating challenges. Confronting my fear is tiring and I get sick of it, however, It is great to know I didn't cave. Grieving, sh@t is the worst b/c it feels like I have completely given in to all my fears and given up. All my reasonable thinking skills just leave and that needy, abandonment issue girl takes over. This is why I am taking this grieving thing so seriously. I don't want that abandonment girl to rule any more of my future tries at love. She has created enough humiliation and it has to be stopped.