Someday

I can't decide if I have a life and just don't know it or if I just am so familiar with bemoaning my life or if I just expected to know what to do and I would all of a sudden have a life, a purpose a reason for living. I have been fine when it has come to my career. I seemed to know what I wanted what I was good at. I knew my strengths and knew my weaknesses. I thought I understood emotions, empathy, how to relate to others how to have real friendships. Now I look at those things and I wonder. I think my shyness really did inhibit my social development. More because I felt like I was not shy, people who made hurtful comments created a self-protected, brave young girl. This little girl did not come out of her shell until college. I think of all the social groups I became a part of so that could be friends and meet men. Christian men.

Dave Hornes Bible Study
Park Street church cafe...and then Crossroads
MeetChristians.com
Grace Chapel/ Basics
E Harmony
Match.com
Eight Minute Dating

I am sure I must be forgetting some along the way and I met no one with whom I connected for more than a few dates. I know I am not a perfect person. I know I have lots of flaws, but so do most people. I am attractive, I have a brain I do not expect someone to be gorgeous, rich, or without problems.

Its interesting that the two men I have had romantic relationships with did not believe in a God, a higher power, or considered the spiritual side of life particularly relevant. What does that say about me? Am I convinced that I have the power to change their mind? or it is that they verbalize and consider the doubts I used to/still have? Maybe its a little of both. Both of these men truly cared for me as a person but could not commit to me long term. Why did they not fall in love with me? Why do I chose men that do not fall in love with me the way I fall for them? These are things worth considering. I try to think about why this last break up feels so terrible as opposed to the one before. One thing was I said no contact and said that if I called him to tell him something to no call back. I set the rules....J set the rules for us after I could not handle the friendship thing. This exposed me in a way that was so embarrassing, humiliating, weak of me that he had to do what I knew and could not give myself all along. It also comes down to the real friendship I had with this man. It is a much deeper sense of loss than I have experienced previously. My first relationship really surrounded physical intimacy while this one was so much more of a friendship. Maybe part of that was his lack of romantic love for me. I think I owe him so much for showing me the unimportance of sex versus relationship. Sex is part of it but not the largest portion. The humiliation of the way things finally ended will be a wound not easily healed.

I was 39 without any romantic relationship experience. I had abstained for so long I had idealized the sexual part of the relationship because it was the one thing I had not experienced and FEAR of never having it propelled me into my first relationship which was not committed or in the long run healthy. With J. I learned some valuable lessons. Hopefully I will have an opportunity to benefit from what I think I might have learned with someone else.

I am not sure all of this effort to meet men has been a worthwhile endeavor. Perhaps I should have spent more time trying to improve the quality of my life. The thing is I had a good job I had friends, I did not have romantic attachment. So that is what I thought would make me happier. I wonder what my life would have looked like if I had chosen to take anti-depressants ten years prior. Would this have made me a more comfortable, able to tolerate the awkwardness I feel around men? Is this what created such a late bloomer. I had to spend so much energy just trying to feel OK. I did not have too much more energy to help me in other areas of my life.

I want to put more energy into me, what makes me more content, maybe I will be alone and end up with cats, dogs, etc. I guess it could be worse. I could not have a job I enjoy not have a house that is my own, not have an incredible companion names Owen baby, not have people that care if I live or die, not be able to walk, be blind, or completely alone with no one. Even though I feel like I am alone, I have lots of people that care, I have no one to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning, I have no one to call and say goodnight, I have no one to help me change the light bulbs, or no one to get a pizza and watch a movie. I know I idealize the romantic relationship, I know I have watched way too many schmaltzy movies, and believed all those fairy tales as the gospel truth. I know I am wrong about many things but I do know I have the capacity to give my heart to someone and receive love from someone someday.