Ouch, thats smarts

Sunday morning, listening to a sermon, creating more pandora channels., stretching. I was doing well. Two hours in the "Abductor torture pose so I can get on a horse sooner than later. I did some weights today I sat on the ball last night, I need to work harder, but I am working on it. I was thinking about blogging how damn it. I am going to beat this spastic tendancy that my muscles have. I am stronger than the spacticity, Cerebral Palsy does not define me or my body, and then just as I was getting ready to remove myself from the torturous position and BANG, ZAP, POW, (ok so I stole from Batman) The spasm hit like no other. Spasm one, Jennie zero. This is what makes me want to never stretch ever again. I have to remember the mantra I will not break, I will not break, I might now break but feeling like a taut rubber band most of the time just isn't fun.

I know, I know it could be worse. I walk, I ride a bike, I work, I can go anywhere, accessible or not. It is one of my greatest thorns in my side that hurts more than I would like to admit. I am thankful for many things, this physical difficulty though, It is hard to lay this one down at your feet. It is right up there with singleness, I always assumed I could handle it if only I had a man to love me. I have neither and am more aware of that being my doing and not yours. I think there is truth to Love your neighbor as your self. The part that has come the hardest is the Love yourself part. I sit and listen to all the critical nonsense that goes through my brain minute by minute and then I know from whence this poor self respect comes. Most of that crap inside is hurt, imbedded deep with in the skin. I have been cleaning it out inch by inch. This too takes conscience effort. I am not defective. I have tight muscles that fight me. I am attractive to some. I am intelligent and caring. I love God and I deserve a man who loves and appreciates me. In the mean time, I have to clean.