Dr. Botox

Owen and I have some special time scheduled today since I just got back from the Botox Doctor. It is usually such a draining experience that i took a sick day. I got there two hours early today. Yikes. I had a feeling he would take me early once he saw I was there and had made a mistake with the time but I left anyhow. I had gone to a conference yesterday in Lexington, bought all sorts of cool things, but of course left them under my seat......ugh. No luck. At least I checked though. I had to give myself credit for this.

Went back to the office and he came down right away to see me. I am doing everything right. I need to swim more. Everything though is A OK. A chill ran up my spine. No more Dr. Botox. I had gotten used to his lack of bedside manner and pep talks he would give to me. He saw my surprise and said ok well come back in 3 months to check in with me. Lets take a look at your walking.

He agreed with my physical therapist that I should increase the lift. The descrepency in the length of my legs has also caused or I had it before....Scoliosis. great another terrific diagnosis. So my muscles in my back are much weaker on my left than my right side. My posture is off. I need to work on that too. I need someone to help me stretch. I have to get a schedule going. He thinks I am doing great. He really enjoys me. Well I enjoy him and now he is leaving me too? So weird that I can hate, and then begin to love after the initial denial is passed that this guy is trying to help me.

Its so much to drink in. I just sat in my car for a while. I am doing great. Its just such a mind shift. I have to do all these things differently now. I can't look back at the exercising that wasn't helping my CP. It just overwhelms and gets me to not go to the gym b.c I am depressed about it.

I am also proud of myself that I am successfully on the second week of the no Jason diet. I don't even read his blog anymore. It is the only thing that has helped me moved forward. I am now such a believer in NC. It just prolongs the pain but its impossible to do unless you know in your heart of hearts that is the only choice that will help you. I am sue I will have tough days but I can't read his blog, I can't contact him. It doesn't hurt that his last message to me was just cold. I hate cold. I need some warmth in my life.

Owen continues to just be my rock. He is always so glad to have me to cuddle next to him. He even allows me to continue to pull out matted fur without too much fuss. Its hard to imagine anything better in a cat.

Ears and then some

Man, on my way out the door I got a finger full of ear goock from Owen's Ear. Oh goodness. Is that why Owen can'hear? I hope not. We had quite the experience with the q tips. He was so patient I thought for sure he would not want to spend time with me on the couch tonight. He is such a good sport. I hope he feels a bit cleared out so to speak. It makes me think of Grace. They used to clean one another's ears. It just had not even occured to me to help him with ear goock but now I know.

He watches me.

Owen slept next to my head as close as he could. It made me feel good. I think its one of the best things in my life to have Owen just show affection all of the time. He doesn't hold grudges or yell at me when he is upset. He waits for me to get up in the morning. He sits next to me waiting for me to take him off our bed. He meows when I get out of the shower, waits for me to get dressed. Meows to remind me to feed him. He sleeps all day he waits for me at the door so he knows I am home. He is deaf. He meows and then meows some more. He watches me, we eat. He meows some more. He gets picked up to join me on the couch. He watches me type. He purrs and purrs some more. He keeps me company. He makes me feel loved and happy. I am so happy to be able to care and make him happy so easily. He is a gift.

Meow!

Meow! this might me yet another memo about Owen but it isn't. Meow is what Manuel used to say to me instead of hello. Manuel is a young man I taught many years ago. We read Catcher and the Rye together. I loved this kid. He was smart, funny, and his disability was that he had difficulty expressing himself verbally. My job was really to talk and read with him to increase his vocabulary. I get paid for this? I thought to myself. I wasn't going to argue with this one. We were close. I watched him graduate. I helped him when his brother died in a plane crash. I listened when he complained about his father or was stressed about a girl. I just wanted to be there for him.

He just called he is in Indiana. I never know where he will be when he calls. I have received calls from all over the world. He is originally from Columbia, but has lived more places that I can remember. He was like, Owen is still around? Oh my God! Yeah. Owen is da best. He is da baby so I had two males, Owen and Manuel remind me that I am worth being around.

History does not have to repeat itself

I just looked at the blog from start to finish. I had not realized I started blogging about Jason in October, the first time I started dealing with the reality that we were no a couple and hadn't been for quite some time. 5 months ago. 5 months ago if I had done all of this grief work he might want to be my friend by now. I put his blog on this website. I had no memory of this. I didn't look. I took everything off this computer. I can't look any more. It just causes more pain more rejection. I have to do things differently or I will keep being stuck back here blogging about my next heart ache.

I must admit journaling has been much more helpful that I might have anticipated. Reading my life story although, frustrating shows how predictable my pattern has been humbling. It shows me how I have continued to not learn from my mistakes. God hasn't done this to me. I have not learned what I needed to learn. It is simple. If nothing changes, nothing will change. Familiarity has not served me well. Fear has not helped protect me. My denial has not helped me keep what was precious. I must listen and assume that people like Jason exist. Yes does not mean no. No does not mean yes. As it did in my family. There is more people out there that honor their word and love honestly without regret.

losses, all of them

I thought I would take some time to write down all the fears or ideas I have about myself. I have spent a long time trying to integrate all the different pieces of myself. I have hid parts of myself from others and from myself. I have insight sometimes, I have intelligence, I have beauty but I can't hold on to that knowledge for any length of time. I can however, hold on to all those things that have hurt, pierced, prodded or found a home somewhere in my soul, body, mind and heart.

I would be a better happier person had I been born normal.
I would be an athlete if it were not for my Cerebral Palsy.
I would have been a dancer like my sister if it hadn't been for my CP.
I would have been popular if it hadn't been for my CP.
I would have been married with kids by now if it weren't for my CP.
I would have a clue how to love someone if I hadn't tried so hard to hide what was really true about me.
I would have known how to deal with my dad's alcoholism or my brother's addiction if I had more awareness of myself and my innate worth.
I would have been able to deal with everything else CP and all if I hadn't been sexually molested and my parents had taken my side.
I would have been felt better about myself if I thought I could trust or be truthful with anyone.
I always wanted to be my sister, if I were her then I would be happy. She had everything I wanted, friends, popularity, passion for her dancing, and an ability to handle adversity.
She was molested too, but thought it wasn't a big deal, get over it, Jen.
I would have done better for myself if I had not felt the need to drink or be cool.
I lived inside my television set. It was my best friend. It never disappoints.
I tried to fill my life with material things. That would make me cool. I changed my dress, I tried to be something I thought was wonderful. My freshman year of college was one more example of me putting myself in a situation where I would be reminded of the beautiful people and then there was me. Imperfect, even my RA told me she had respect for me that I had chosen such an elitist school. I continued to be reminded of all the ways I wasn't good enough. If I didn't believe it then, I would believe it after two semesters of school.
I had a roommate who thought I was uncool, unaware of how to be popular. She told me that I would go to hell since I wasn't a born again Christian. Rather than go my own way, I tried over and over to be her friend. Even then I had to experience rejection to the nth degree.

Later during a Christian teaching and training trip, yeah you read that correctly. I ended up wanting and needing total acceptance and love the only person that seemed could help me was not someone on this world. It was God. Of course then I fell for a guy named David. He was on crutches and I was more than happy to tell him exactly how to use his crutches. We had a close friendship. He was dating someone else. Of course I had to fall for the unavailable one. He spent tons of time with me. Later he showed me on an index card how and why I was crazy for thinking we were anything other than friends. I didn't stop crying for over a year I think. I thought I was nuts for being so stupid. I transferred I wanted to be a SPED teacher. I fell again for my best friend at the time. Another unattainable one. I feel so hard and i even stayed in my college town just to be closer to him. We were beyond close. He loved me. He wasn't in love with me. I was 24 and thought no one would ever love me. Was that what drove my unwillingness to risk love? I had already been slammed hard and hard twice. I hadn't learned how to be different in relationships. Four years later and I did it again almost exactly the same story. I fell for a fellow teacher. Four years my junior just like last love relationship. He was a budding musician and I went to every show. I was a groupie. I wanted him to love me. He liked me well enough, but he didn't love me. 3 x. Aren't I supposed to stop after three strikes?

Fast forward to 35 and I started a long distance internet relationship. We spoke every day. Our connection was unreal. He came to visit. I wasn't attracted to him. By the end of the weekend, I was in love. He left. I made plans to go visit him. He wanted to marry me. At least that is what he said. 9/11 happened. He stopped calling. I went to visit my friends with my ticket and met him at the Chicago Museum. I thought we were getting back together. At the end of the day he wanted to be friends. He wasn't in love with me. 4 strikes. My fifth strike came with a married man. I threw everything out the window for a sexual, forbidden relationship. So much hurt. It was everything I always knew was true of me, I was a bad, unworthy of real love, damaged, and immoral. Fast forward to last year a long string of bad internet dates. A few sexual encounters, no relationships. I had been reading his blog, a friend had bought a cell phone from this, quirky engaging salesman. Are you single? She asks. Yes, he answers.
I read his blog for months. How could I walk in to the store to see him? He would see me limp and it would be all over. Finally I had enough nerve to say hello on line. He said hello, he got angry right away that I tried to send a pic. He wanted to know me. I was so nervous I had to make it sexual. Even after that exchange, he wanted to spend time with me. He really liked me. Wow. Soon after that beginning we ended. He knew we couldn't make it. Not long term. Lets stop now and be friends. Then we can be friends for life. Great friends. I didn't want another friend. I didn't want to be liked. I wanted him to love me. We kept hanging out. I kept playing it cool. We started dating again. I thought maybe, Maybe we could make it. He broke up with me after I got back from Florida the end of March. He agreed to spend Easter with Me. We took pictures, he held my hand. I thought we would work out, he was just afraid. We continued to spend time together. My ankle started to really hurt. I was scared. He was there. I fell deeper in love with him after months of him being there for me. No one ever made me feel so whole so worth something. I really believed despite the differences and all the fights and all the miscommunication that we could and would make it because he did not leave. He cared for me. He believed in me. I believed in him, his kindness, his commitment to integrity, I was convinced I would help him rebuild a relationship with his daughter. I felt like I had found someone who knew my soul and didn't reject it.

He knew all along that his word was his word. We are friends that is all. When he began to pursue a dating relationship with someone else. I thought I was going to die. He was angry I hadn't taken him at his word. He was tired of seeing me so upset. He thought we all good with this friendship thing. I am so sorry that I couldn't just be his friend. We would be these great friends and be able to joke and razz one another. He could come with me to those awful botox injections with him making fun of me on percocetts.

Instead we are here. I reacted badly a few too many times to reality. I was his friend he was looking for a girlfriend that wasn't me. He tried to be my friend and I couldn't not be in love with him. Jennie please stop contacting me. Please stop.

Love is a strange thing really. It doesn't matter he isn't my dream guy. It doesn't matter that we can't seem to spend the day together without arguing at least once. It doesn't matter that he is an atheist and I am not. It doesn't even matter that he doesn't drive or have a job. What matters to me is that he is number six in my list of strikes out. These are all my losses all of my baggage. All of the things that I cry over. I wish Jason could know and believe that despite all I have done to hurt and disrespect him, I love him more than I have ever loved anyone and will never forget his kindness to me. He made me want to be a better person. He also brought out the worst part. Rejection and a reminder that number 7 is just around the corner if I don't do something with all of these losses. I will believe in miracles if God can help me with these beliefs that have been so comfortable inside this body and soul of mine. I hope this is my bottom as they say in 12 step land. I am sorry Yason, that is what I used to call him. I was yennie and he was yason.

a good day at the office

I keep reading this blog, she keeps trying to encourage don't give up before the miracle happens. Is there going to be a day that I stop wondering how he is, or if he still hates me, or if I will ever be the sort of person that I would like to be. Will there be a day when I don't think about Owen not being around. Every time he meows I am grateful. Every time he climbs up on my high bed, I clap on the inside.

This week I was able to reengage a little girl who had decided counseling was not for her. I asked her to write down all the things she liked and didn't like about counseling. Then I would consider it. She did so. We met. I explained that I didn't like talking about my feelings either when I was her age. I was also too afraid or too aggravated after holding all those emotions around for so long. I wanted to help her with those feelings so she wouldn't have to feel so bad all the time. "Lets Journal," She looked up, What do you mean? I mean we will journal. We wont talk just communicate this way. You can learn about me I can learn about you. Then once you aren't feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated we can stop. OK, that was OK with her. It was OK with me too. So this is what this blog is for me. I want it to be about Owen because some day he won't be around and well, He is my kid with fur. He is more than important to me. He is watching me as I type and any time now the paws will be on the key board. He just wants affection and some food every once and a while but really, its affection. I guess its true that your pets take on their owners attributes. I will wrap my head around being worthy or good enough. 'some day.

owen is a good comfortor

so being at home and crying all day, i was in bed with owen. he came on the bed yelling at me, i imagined he was saying something like, what is going on? why are you home? don't cry. he laid on my pillow and went to sleep. i am so glad he is still with me.

i will go to the shrink today who i imagine will tell me what an idiot i am being for continuing to be upset over someone who has told you he wanted and needed space from you. do you have some machocistic streak that hobs you will have to be put in a place of remembering in case i forgot that i am in fact unable to stay away from him.

Knitting and Owen

As I sit here and knit. I think about all the times I tried to learn and just didn't follow through. There was the time I signd up for a class in Cambridge. I was so embarrassed by my lack of manual dexterity that I left after one lesson and never went back. There have been several including Denise who have promised to teach me, but the time never happened. It wasn't until I found a blog and down loaded casting on and then knitting that I finally learned. Over and over I watched until finally I got it. Its much better than having someone there who has to wait for me to finally click in.

The best part is Owen. Long gone have I assumed his desire to play with yarn. Oh how wrong I have been. He actualy has been playing with me and trying to get my yarn. Right now, in fact he is climbing all over this computer trying to get his proper amount of rubbing. Over and over again until he gets it right. Yeah, Owen and I are kindrid spirits.

Owen and Grace

He sleeps....He sleeps next to me, on my legs, on a pillow next to me. He meows every time he wakes up or stretches. He purrs and just wants to be around where ever I am. I was thinking today of Gracie, his sister. She was tougher to love. She was not as easily won over. She wanted to be invited but not expected to sit near or on top of my stomach. She was the dominant of the two. Owen got on the wrong end of a swipe more than once. She was the loud mouth frog. Every move she made she squaked. She was the smaller of the two. She never weighed more than 8 or 9 pounds. One of my favorite memories is her putting my parents dog, Dudley in his place. She didn't mess around.

I have such guilt about her b/c I know I loved Owen more. He was so much more affectinate. She was so stubburn, that little carrot topped calico cat. I had no idea she was sick and i had no idea putting her down would to this day be the most horrible experience. It isn't that I haven't been through more difficult or more horrible events This one though, was my decision. This was a choice to put her down. Such a nice way to describe death. I keep thinking that having made that choice makes me responsible. I know it was kind intellectually but I will never forget it. I hope she knows how much I did love her. I really did love her. I still cry just thinking about her. I had no idea how attached I had become to my pets. I had no idea it would still hurt so much.

Satchmo is no Owen

Watched Once tonight, an Irish buscar movie with Scott and Denise. 97% according to Rotten Tomatos, OK it was a sweet, quiet movie, but Satchmo kept wanting me to pet him. Ok, well I am used to owen who only wants attention and love. Satchmo wants to swat you when you are getting too close......Ok so he is beautiful, but he is definately no Owen. Ouch.

"If you can wrap your head around being worthy, then you can do what you love. You can make a movie without lots of money, you can make it happen".....Glen Hansard

parallel lines

Owen got up on the bed today and yesterday after not getting up for a few days. I really miss him when he isn't here. It was like a little gift after having just an awful day. All of my issues and insecurities are so to the surface I can feel them. No longer are there all of these defense mechanisms around me. That is the good news and bad news. I walk around waiting for something else to go wrong. I have no real family support, I have a few really close friends, a good job, and a cat that I desparately want to live forever so I wont have to realize I have no one in my life that has been around for 20 years. Or will it be like today. A day that gives me just a bit of a hope. Owen greeting me at the other side of the bed. A wonderful surprise.

An unexpected repreive from constant reminders of the ball between my legs or the pain that never goes away. I miss Jason but that pain seems trivial to the pain I wish will go away and each day I realize my muscles are tight they are tight and by the way they are tight. Shall I give up? Just throw in the towel. I can't even imagine having that sort of personalizty. Fight to the death. So much so that I think I have lost one of my kindest friends. So I better put this fight into high gear. Its good for something if my gait stops being something that makes me aware of how I feel less than, not as good, like day old bread, cheap and a little stale but tolerable. And then I remember Owen didn't give up he got up on this crazy high bed so if he can do it I can do it. I can stop letting the disdain of others hurt me so.

staring

Staring is an interesting subject. I have been known to win quite a few staring contests in my time. What do I spend time staring at as of late is a knitting video. I will learn no matter how many tries it takes. I will learn. Its great to play it over and over since it is finally getting into my motor memory. Owen stares at me and I am convinced he can still see me although the dark specks in his eyes continue to grow. Staring at the one you love or the one you are infatuated is always fun. There are lots of good things associated with staring.

BUT when people stare at my gait, avert my eyes and go straight to my legs, a chill still finds its way down my spine. Sometimes I want to scream, " my eyes are up here." But I don't and I pass by. "Take a yoga class", Finch suggests, "do you have any idea what is like to watch more coordinated, flexible people while they stare at you and what you cant do?" Ok so I am an adult now and those things stop after elementary school right? Well not in my case it hasn't. He scolds me to remember that Who cares what others think? Well yeah, it all comes back to all the stares in my 42 years. People not looking at me but at my gait. Its like sticky slime that gets washed off a little at a time but just when I think the last of it has been scrubbed off someone else stares at my gait.

So fast forward to today, Physical therapy. A place of torture and safety. Not once, twice or even three times but 4 times I walked back and forth for my PT. That was ok but she was talking to her intern the whole time. Discussing my hip, my this muscle, my that muscle, my knees, walk like this, walk more like that. And then I just snapped. I was done. My little girl who was so tired of the stares looked straight at both of those women and said. "I'm done. You no idea what is like to be stared at and discussed like that like I am an object not Jennie but the limp. Do you have any clue what that feels like with the amount of pain I have gone through lately." Its all I could do to not just say, Fuck YOu. She apologized the intern quickly disappeared, but even at PT I end up having to educate, teach. understand. She just thought I would be fine....oh Jennie she is so high functioning she is a professional, well sometimes Jennie just wants to be helped, and NOT stared at.

Help us and our wretched bodies

Owen tried to get on my bed this afternoon to nap and he can no longer make it up even with the step ladder. I lifted him up and he napped. I stretched. My hip is so tight that I can't seem to loosen it without extreme pain. Even today when I thought I might get some movement and it just spasmed out. Can I get it to loosen am I destined to not get back on a horse? The pain no matter what I do doesnt subside on the hip. Oh my, we are quite the pair. Owen can barely move and I am the spasm queen.

In my heart of hearts i am so afraid. I don't know what any of this really means for my future. I can't maintain without lots of help stretching and I am at a loss. I need a team really so as to not burden too many or have a set schedule. I must believe I can improve despite the difficulty with my hip. I can not let this beat me. I have worked too hard and been through too much pain to stop now. My body continues to just betray me. Now I have to think about wat the ultrasound might find. I don't understand where my faith has gone. I used to know that I was walking with God and he would protect me. Now I cry out for him and I continue to cry. Please help me in my unbelief and in my fear. I want to live believing in purpose, love, and reasons for suffering but all I continue to think and feel is more and more pain. Help me. I need you now more than ever. I am so lost.

poor owen

Poor Owen, Sarah came over to keep me company since the Botox ordeal. She is allergic so unlike normally Owen was not invited onto the couch to watch the Chick flick with us. It almost made me cry such not something he was/is used to. Sarah is a person I have known for almost 20 years. She was in my youth group. I will never forget the day we were in McDonalds with the group and she asked, "Do you only hang out with those who do drugs?" " No , I responded." What in the world did this nice, together honor student from a good Christian home want with me? This was one of my first lessons in being with people for no other reason but b/c maybe God had put them in your path. Sarah and I have been through more than most. We transitioned from Mentor to friend, we survived my rage after she got into an accident in my car in my condo complex and did not offer to help me pay for it. She worked though being gang raped while on a missions trip. She is now a social worker for the Elderly. She is going to get her masters this next year. She asked me once while in high school should she go psychology or social work I said well if you go SW you can get your BSW and your masters will be only a year vs. two for psych. She took my advice and now is flourishing in her career. She is one of the biggest joys of my life other than Owen. It makes me feel that all my commitment to people and young people made a difference. She now is in a situation where she helps me after my own weakness. We worked though the things I didn't think we could manage. She makes me feel like maybe I have something to offer others. Maybe just because I have not had lots of experience with men it doesn't mean I should give up. I have something to offer when it comes to compassion and experience with others. I need to see what others see in me. I need to remember I am not the ugliest ducking in the pond, or the worst person left in the room to dance with. I don't seek pity, I don't expect special treatment, I don't see myself as disabled, I know I am attractive, I am not ashamed to be someone who tries to love God and is thankful for her life most of the time. I need to just find a life for myself that helps me recharge when I am not at work. I need to live a life just as interesting out of work as in work. Please show me how and give me the strength to do so.....amen.

Doctors and care.

Everytime i look over and see his shaved neck I get nervous. At least I helped him and overcame my fear of what the vet might say. Do the right thing seems like a simple thing to say and a tougheer experience. I hope he felt cared for by my choice. He might have just felt abandoned. That is the worse feeling. So glad he feels better now and that i succeeded in taking care of him. Sometimes its the little things that mean the most.

Yesterday I had to go to the OBGYN. I was so nervous. It is usually a very difficult expereince. Perhaps this time my legs with all the botox will be easier to get up on those stirrups. Not this time. Still really uncomfortable. My doctor rules, not only did she decide a while ago to use a childrens speculum. It made all the difference. but she said, "would you rather rest your leg on me?" yes, if you do not mind? No, problem, no pain. The whole experience was I would not say enjoyable but not uncomfortable in the least. I thanked the doctor and said. "you are the only one that does not hurt me." She looked at me and smiled. No one let you rest your leg out of the stirrups, . No I said. So simple to be sensitive to someone with limited mobility. It made all the difference. That is what practicing responsible medicine is all about. I left relieved and happy that I no longer had to dread what I had always had to fear. Now if I have to go to another OB at some point I will know how to advocate for myself if I can't get comfortable in the stirrups. Wonderful. Owen and I both got taken care of and can feel better for it.