I just looked at the blog from start to finish. I had not realized I started blogging about Jason in October, the first time I started dealing with the reality that we were no a couple and hadn't been for quite some time. 5 months ago. 5 months ago if I had done all of this grief work he might want to be my friend by now. I put his blog on this website. I had no memory of this. I didn't look. I took everything off this computer. I can't look any more. It just causes more pain more rejection. I have to do things differently or I will keep being stuck back here blogging about my next heart ache.
I must admit journaling has been much more helpful that I might have anticipated. Reading my life story although, frustrating shows how predictable my pattern has been humbling. It shows me how I have continued to not learn from my mistakes. God hasn't done this to me. I have not learned what I needed to learn. It is simple. If nothing changes, nothing will change. Familiarity has not served me well. Fear has not helped protect me. My denial has not helped me keep what was precious. I must listen and assume that people like Jason exist. Yes does not mean no. No does not mean yes. As it did in my family. There is more people out there that honor their word and love honestly without regret.
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