Owen continues to be my source of constant comfort. He is well for a 20+ year old kitty. The vet was impressed with his recent blood work. He continues to eat and drink. He purrs and he climbs although he prefers his dutiful owner carry him to and fro.
Recently I had to go see my botox doctor to loosen my tight muscles and spastic tendency whenever i lift my left leg. He was more than happy with my progress. He said that most come after only a few months and I stayed away almost two years.
To say i was relieved is not beginning to capture the crumpled mess of emotions that had become balled up into my gut as I walked into the outpatient clinic. Sitting from left to right was a tired eyed man looking off into the distance. A woman using her walker as an ottoman with her plastic immobilizer of her knee. Then there was the warm filled smile of the elderly man holding his loves hand as they waited. She had difficulty focusing her eyes seemed to stay in the same position although her head turned in acknowledgment. Her demeanor was pensive as she asked when my appt was. "11:15" I mentioned. He answered for her ours is for 11 but we waited for 15 minutes last time." Yes, he is running late at times, I said. "give him a hard time now, I smiled knowingly at him. yes, yes I will. he held her hand a little tighter.
The door opened and they were invited in to sit waiting for one of my favorite doctors. As he arrived gave them an update and then said their pleasentries I went to the assistants desk and came to find all of my information was incorrect. All of those grumblings inside of me waiting for an opportunity to snap or snark to the next person to say the wrong thing were successfully kept at bay this time as I corrected the mistakes and feigned a smile as a necessary action.
Dr. Finch's face lightened and he invited me in to give him an update. He was proud and glad to see this frustrated, fragile patient. He saw me as the motivated attractive young patient who had done exceptionally well for almost two years.
All I knew was that I was in pain. I was exhausted. I was ready to burst into tears. Yet he saw what I could not see. The inward strength that had been dormant as the emotions of the moment did a tap dance on her hip reminding me only of all of my failings and missteps. His view and knowledge of me carried me out in a cloud of acceptance. I will schedule the appointment. I have the right diagnosis. Who knew spastic diplegia would be called the Right diagnosis.
I am reminded that we must lean on the understandings of others when we are weighted down by our doubts and fears. There is always more than our feelings to our lives. We are stronger than we think.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
growing roses....they still have thorns
The garden has become my happy place. Its so funny that this has become something I enjoy. I thought for sure this would not be the case. that is what I get for all those gardeners in the family.
When I am out there Owen comes and sits or lays down. I cant type as we speak because he is trying to get me to pet him. My love is 21. I am 44 so that makes him 21. I think he can vote now. :)
My Owen is slowing down. He isn't as loud, he isn't steady on his feet, he is frail. But....he loves his heating pad and he loves being next to me. We are a pair.
When I am out there Owen comes and sits or lays down. I cant type as we speak because he is trying to get me to pet him. My love is 21. I am 44 so that makes him 21. I think he can vote now. :)
My Owen is slowing down. He isn't as loud, he isn't steady on his feet, he is frail. But....he loves his heating pad and he loves being next to me. We are a pair.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Spring?
March 11, 2009
I hear that spring is on its way but there is still snow here. We just had 5 or so inches fall on Gloucester this past Monday. All the while the radio was telling me that rain only rain, was falling everywhere else. Or at least that is how it felt. Owen continues to snuggle next to my head, he doesn't want to go outside these days. There was a tease of 2 60 degree days he made it out for 2 minutes. He did bask in the sun after i opened the back door for him. I have to admit I want to cut, cut, cut those tufts off. I am trying to accept and ignore but its hard!!!!!
Owen has met my newest boyfriend. He was yelling so loud that even the man with a hearing aid was like,
"wow your cat is loud."
"He is deaf," I said.
My man couldn't believe it. So yes, its true, now the two most important males in my life can't hear me. They can and do listen though. That is what is most important. He likes owen but has to be careful. He is allergic but not terribly so, at least this is what he tells me.
So Owen has given the Mrow of approval as have I. This one is truthful, caring, kind and hysterically funny. He isn't freaked by my CP as I am not concerned about his hearing loss. He is a fixer as most men tend to be, but I know it comes from a good place. He doesn't make promises he can't keep, he doesn't take advantage, he does respect me. I just have to keep remembering that most of all, I need to respect myself. People treat us the way we ALLOW them to treat us. I didn't think I would ever accept disrespect, and yet I have. I have a choice here and I choose to respect and expect to be respected by others.
Not everyone will love me unconditionally as Owen does, but I can care that much for myself to not allow poor treatment again. I am thankful so thankful for this opportunity to get to know and be with a quality man and have yet another season with my beloved, Owen. MROW
I hear that spring is on its way but there is still snow here. We just had 5 or so inches fall on Gloucester this past Monday. All the while the radio was telling me that rain only rain, was falling everywhere else. Or at least that is how it felt. Owen continues to snuggle next to my head, he doesn't want to go outside these days. There was a tease of 2 60 degree days he made it out for 2 minutes. He did bask in the sun after i opened the back door for him. I have to admit I want to cut, cut, cut those tufts off. I am trying to accept and ignore but its hard!!!!!
Owen has met my newest boyfriend. He was yelling so loud that even the man with a hearing aid was like,
"wow your cat is loud."
"He is deaf," I said.
My man couldn't believe it. So yes, its true, now the two most important males in my life can't hear me. They can and do listen though. That is what is most important. He likes owen but has to be careful. He is allergic but not terribly so, at least this is what he tells me.
So Owen has given the Mrow of approval as have I. This one is truthful, caring, kind and hysterically funny. He isn't freaked by my CP as I am not concerned about his hearing loss. He is a fixer as most men tend to be, but I know it comes from a good place. He doesn't make promises he can't keep, he doesn't take advantage, he does respect me. I just have to keep remembering that most of all, I need to respect myself. People treat us the way we ALLOW them to treat us. I didn't think I would ever accept disrespect, and yet I have. I have a choice here and I choose to respect and expect to be respected by others.
Not everyone will love me unconditionally as Owen does, but I can care that much for myself to not allow poor treatment again. I am thankful so thankful for this opportunity to get to know and be with a quality man and have yet another season with my beloved, Owen. MROW
Saturday, February 14, 2009
loving even the tufts
Owen gave me a large toothy grin this morning. Haven't had the pleasure of the grin in a while. I watched him have some sort of seizure in his sleep and then he awoke, startled, scared, disoriented? I don't know but when he saw I was there I received a nice mrow. He has taken to a new place on the bed it is the first place the sun hits from the crack let open by the curtain. He is no dummy that is for sure.
I am trying to not be bothered by the tufts much like someone in a long time relationship who can't believe she or he did that thing...leave the seat up, fart in public, snore, not put the parmesian back in the fridge, its cheese after all. They don't bother him as much as they bother me and after all its his body.
On this the day for lovers, and candy and Hallmark business tycoons, I don't mind being single. I know what I want now, I have been trying to taste all that is sweet instead of realizing I have been getting splenda when I ask for sugar. What is the point of being with someone unless they or you really want them? I am coming to this conclusion (finally) Its best to not to have anything in ones coffee than to have the thing that is only a cheap substitute anyhow. It seems so simple yet in practice when loneliness or fear creeps and will not be kept at bay things happen. There is wreckage. I don't have to get shipwrecked every time, this i know now.
I still cry when I miss those with whom I have loved. I want a miracle to take the sadness the sometimes overwhelms when I think of all the stupid things I did to hold on foolishly to that which was not mine to begin with. All I can do now is look forward and hope for another day with the love that never lets me down and pray I can let him go with grace when it is his time to go. I just always hope for one more day. That is what I am given.
I am trying to not be bothered by the tufts much like someone in a long time relationship who can't believe she or he did that thing...leave the seat up, fart in public, snore, not put the parmesian back in the fridge, its cheese after all. They don't bother him as much as they bother me and after all its his body.
On this the day for lovers, and candy and Hallmark business tycoons, I don't mind being single. I know what I want now, I have been trying to taste all that is sweet instead of realizing I have been getting splenda when I ask for sugar. What is the point of being with someone unless they or you really want them? I am coming to this conclusion (finally) Its best to not to have anything in ones coffee than to have the thing that is only a cheap substitute anyhow. It seems so simple yet in practice when loneliness or fear creeps and will not be kept at bay things happen. There is wreckage. I don't have to get shipwrecked every time, this i know now.
I still cry when I miss those with whom I have loved. I want a miracle to take the sadness the sometimes overwhelms when I think of all the stupid things I did to hold on foolishly to that which was not mine to begin with. All I can do now is look forward and hope for another day with the love that never lets me down and pray I can let him go with grace when it is his time to go. I just always hope for one more day. That is what I am given.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
20 years or yesterday
he sleeps, i type, he tries to walk on the keys, i grumble, i move him, he climbs back to where he wants to be, he falls off the couch and i feel awful. a typical night here. some nights i laugh as i type. sometimes i cry and type. mostly i watch, read, type or as i just did, i lift Owen back onto the couch and again the same thing. now that he is awake it means he will lick my fingers as i type. this is honestly the only thing i consider completely yucky. trust me on this one when one has an elderly cat there are several possibilities for yuckiness.
mary and i had a great conversation last night. owen's official other mommy. its hard for her to believe he is still our crazy stray from years past. mary and bri have three boys. their third child has some serious challenges. he is her love. she extends all she can and i am sure he is one of the most loved people in her world. she knows intuitively i get it. 20 years doesn't mean much to us. she is my sister more than my friend. some are like that. those you know time, space. fighting, years, sometimes it matters other times not.
no one has it easy even if you meet the love of your life at 20, are beautiful the sort of beauty that stops men in their tracks on a regular basis, or is living in a much warmer climate. i am so tired of watching able bodied people chose to ruin their bodies, bemoan their awfulness, and refuse to try and change that which makes them miserable. I want to trade in all those able bodies and trade all those sick bodies so the misery would be in ones mind and body and those who didn't "deserve" the misery wouldn't have it. Oh yeah, that would not be in this life.
All i know is i want to be known, to love unselfishly, to be present, as present as i am with those kids, day after day, i want the sort of life personally that i have professionally which means i have to be honest, true and unapologetic for that which means the most to me.
mary and i had a great conversation last night. owen's official other mommy. its hard for her to believe he is still our crazy stray from years past. mary and bri have three boys. their third child has some serious challenges. he is her love. she extends all she can and i am sure he is one of the most loved people in her world. she knows intuitively i get it. 20 years doesn't mean much to us. she is my sister more than my friend. some are like that. those you know time, space. fighting, years, sometimes it matters other times not.
no one has it easy even if you meet the love of your life at 20, are beautiful the sort of beauty that stops men in their tracks on a regular basis, or is living in a much warmer climate. i am so tired of watching able bodied people chose to ruin their bodies, bemoan their awfulness, and refuse to try and change that which makes them miserable. I want to trade in all those able bodies and trade all those sick bodies so the misery would be in ones mind and body and those who didn't "deserve" the misery wouldn't have it. Oh yeah, that would not be in this life.
All i know is i want to be known, to love unselfishly, to be present, as present as i am with those kids, day after day, i want the sort of life personally that i have professionally which means i have to be honest, true and unapologetic for that which means the most to me.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
25 random things...
This was a facebook thing write twenty five random things but because I began with my beloved, Owen it deserves a spot
1. My 20 year old cat, Owen was named after Danny De Vito in Throw Mama From the Train.
2. I talk to people and smile and mostly they smile back (mostly)
3. Some of my favorite clothes were purchased at the Salvation Army
4. I attended Seminary and interned at a state mental hospital in the same year.
5. My real name is Jennie not Jennifer. I have the same name as my mom.
6. I used to dream of being the bionic woman and marrying the six million dollar man.
7. Once while playing in a church my friend and I stole a communion wafer. I thought God would never forgive me….but now I know better.
8. I think having compassion showing mercy is more important that being convinced of being right
9. Finding friends from years past on face book makes me happy b/c I am terrible with keeping in touch.
10. I love that my family loves everyone even when we don’t like each other very much.
11. I have learned its harder to be honest but makes me a better friend that being “nice”
12. The New York Giants, Springsteen and Bono have gotten me through many a tough times.
13. It still hurts when people ask "why I just don’t get a handicapped sticker.?"
14. It took me a long time to learn how to ride a bike, when I did, It was one of the happiest days of my life. My first bike had a blue sparlkling bananna seat!
15. I was convinced from before I can remember that there is a God who loves all of us all the time.
16. I am grateful for all the children and teenagers I have had had the opportunity to meet.
17. Smelling freshly cut grass makes me smile especially after I have mowed it.
18. I say the lords prayer when ever I am stressed to myself and it calms me down.
19. Going as fast as I can on a horse, car or boat takes me to an ideal place.
20 Living by the water my entire life has made me cherish how fortunate I have been.
21. I believe and know sobriety is always an option no matter the addiction.
22. I collect and love any children’s book written by Joan Walsh Anguld
23. I trust my intuition but seek to talk less and listen more.
24. I idealize romantic love but know, its more important for me be loved and known on the inside more than the outside.
25. I remain hopeful despite the terrible state of the world, thanks in part to my amazing friends and family.
1. My 20 year old cat, Owen was named after Danny De Vito in Throw Mama From the Train.
2. I talk to people and smile and mostly they smile back (mostly)
3. Some of my favorite clothes were purchased at the Salvation Army
4. I attended Seminary and interned at a state mental hospital in the same year.
5. My real name is Jennie not Jennifer. I have the same name as my mom.
6. I used to dream of being the bionic woman and marrying the six million dollar man.
7. Once while playing in a church my friend and I stole a communion wafer. I thought God would never forgive me….but now I know better.
8. I think having compassion showing mercy is more important that being convinced of being right
9. Finding friends from years past on face book makes me happy b/c I am terrible with keeping in touch.
10. I love that my family loves everyone even when we don’t like each other very much.
11. I have learned its harder to be honest but makes me a better friend that being “nice”
12. The New York Giants, Springsteen and Bono have gotten me through many a tough times.
13. It still hurts when people ask "why I just don’t get a handicapped sticker.?"
14. It took me a long time to learn how to ride a bike, when I did, It was one of the happiest days of my life. My first bike had a blue sparlkling bananna seat!
15. I was convinced from before I can remember that there is a God who loves all of us all the time.
16. I am grateful for all the children and teenagers I have had had the opportunity to meet.
17. Smelling freshly cut grass makes me smile especially after I have mowed it.
18. I say the lords prayer when ever I am stressed to myself and it calms me down.
19. Going as fast as I can on a horse, car or boat takes me to an ideal place.
20 Living by the water my entire life has made me cherish how fortunate I have been.
21. I believe and know sobriety is always an option no matter the addiction.
22. I collect and love any children’s book written by Joan Walsh Anguld
23. I trust my intuition but seek to talk less and listen more.
24. I idealize romantic love but know, its more important for me be loved and known on the inside more than the outside.
25. I remain hopeful despite the terrible state of the world, thanks in part to my amazing friends and family.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
we like heating pads
Owen is now hogging up the new heat pad on the bed. So not only does he have the cozy blue comforter he also has taken over the heating bad. Any other male that made this mistake might have an argument coming his way but Owen gets or has a special pass in my heart.
The latest trial Owen survived was his silly mommy deciding that if she used her favorite expensive "moisturizing balm" on his fur and his matted parts especially she would be able to get more of the matts out without touching his fur. Well all was going according to plan before i realized.....Oh no, I have to rinse this out. It would have to be one of the coldest days of the year mind you. Bad Mommy rides again. So I placed him in the since rinsed him wrapped him up in a towel, placed him on the sunny part of the bed, and then turned the heating pad on.
I did get out many of the matts. He does smell wonderful. I realize though that I thought I was doing that all for his benefit when really, I just hate to feel those matts. He just likes to be pet. matts and all. Sometimes altruism exists more often than not, I am just selfish. So glad Owen loves me anyhow.
The latest trial Owen survived was his silly mommy deciding that if she used her favorite expensive "moisturizing balm" on his fur and his matted parts especially she would be able to get more of the matts out without touching his fur. Well all was going according to plan before i realized.....Oh no, I have to rinse this out. It would have to be one of the coldest days of the year mind you. Bad Mommy rides again. So I placed him in the since rinsed him wrapped him up in a towel, placed him on the sunny part of the bed, and then turned the heating pad on.
I did get out many of the matts. He does smell wonderful. I realize though that I thought I was doing that all for his benefit when really, I just hate to feel those matts. He just likes to be pet. matts and all. Sometimes altruism exists more often than not, I am just selfish. So glad Owen loves me anyhow.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Barack
inauguration day....full of tears...the heaving sort, lots of tissues....watching it all over when i got home cuddled up with my kid with fur. to hope for change, fight for change, be a part of change. so easy for me to despair, fear, want to hide. Ruby didn't, Rosa didn't, I have to fight not to. If owen can still hobble around, so can I. If we can as a people stand out in the cold just to see a jumbo tran and a man become president of the united states named Barack Obama of all things then we can we must work to improving the quality of all of our lives.
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