clean day number two

I can't remember the last time I could say I came home to a made bed! I did my dishes and put away all the food tonight. The sink is clear this is the second day of clean. I think the new medication cocktail is working. I am not sleeping non stop, am able to get some things done and I don't want to rip everyone to shreds. I actually want to call some of my friends to see them. Maybe I will even join the group of coworkers who do karaoke at Cameron's. Its something to aspire to anyway. Next stop the pool. I am aching everywhere. My body is either just readjusting to to my new lift height or am just incredibly sore. I am so scared I have lost some range of motion, but there isn't anything I can do about it now. This last bout of depression was tough. The most insidious thing about depression is that it could masquerade as just being tired or overwhelmed. It was hard to discern what it was given all of the things it could possibly be. Bottom line is I finally feel like a person again. Owen isn't quite sure what to do. He has a clear path to me on my bed. I just need to keep it going. It feels good.

another quiet day.

Owen and I had a nice quiet one today. I so enjoy all the different meows and looks and cuddles we have. I have been doing so much grieving that in a way it makes me realize I will be ok when its his time to go. Awful as it might be, I will survive. There are so many days when I just don't want to go on. What is the point? I think to myself. I have worked my whole life to help others and I can't seem to tolerate the idea of someone actually liking me. I am so tired of it really. So sick of being so scared. What is the worst that could happen is that someone could not like me. Yeah well it was too much to even bear that thought for such a long time. I can bare it now, I think. I just don't want to. It is just so much emotional energy this being in love thing. I had no idea any of this would be so elusive to me. I feel like I have the social skills of a frog. I seem to not be comfortable in any group of people for longer than a few years at a time. I have a hard time keeping in touch with people because I get so f...ing depressed. I am less tired now but more aware of all of this wasted time and energy that I spend doing nothing. I work or I do nothing. I feel like a big old hypocrite, so willing to think of reasons how others can improve their lives but too tired to take any of my own advice. I don't want to live as a passenger any more. If I have a terrible life I have no one to blame but myself.

seasons change but

"Life for so many of us, seems a life of constant change. Yet there is more stability than we sometimes see. A commitment to living in faith moment by moment in the reality of the God who is there, and who does not change. So there is change but there is also continuity. The signs of seasonal change can become familiar and a comfort as we remember that after winter, in God’s grace, spring does come again. " Dick Keyes

let it be so.

Easter on the farm

Easter on the farm. This time it was with Evan and Courtney. Courtney was the lastest but not girlfriend, sleeping with but not....yeah been there. Whenever Evan and I are together at the family home it feels like no one else is around. We find one another even when I try to hide he comes to find me. Not hard in such a small space. He always says I bring out the worst in him, he brings out the realization that despite a strong connection there are 20 years almost between us and it never feels like it. I have been so proud of myself walking around saying and not being ashamed of being 42. I am finally comfortable with that number and feel mature. I am not spending all my time with young people and not spending time with others my own age. Now I am not spending time with anyone but I am not wishing I was younger or another age. Except that is when I am with Evan and I notice his weakness is petite curly haired girls.

Then Courtney mentions going to RHS and graduating last year, yeah she graduated with Nick is friends with Maddie and Sam. So much for wishing I was younger reality sets in again and Evan as only Evan can do shows me his conceit and poor form. Whenever he jokes about his irresponsible drinking and driving I want to scream, YOU PRICK, you are going to kill someones kid someday. I have been down that road with him, he knows how I feel about that. He says these things to provoke me on purpose. If we can't banter then there isn't many other choices. Despite all of that we truly enjoy one another, I am not sure what I do for him, perhaps I help him tolerate family meals that are often uncomfortable for him. He finds it very difficult to be nice to me for any length of time.....as he says meanness is a sign of affection. Well I have been there done that. I am looking for other sorts of affection these days.

Here comes the sun...

When I was little I loved the Beatles. I always thought I had been born at the wrong era. I woke up with the sun in my eyes, Owen meowing and this song in my head. I wanted to get to Easter service and I still have difficulty getting out of bed and thinking about the red house across the street. I will get better. I will let that part go and stop using it as an excuse as to why I do not worship at St. Mary's.
I want this to be a day of Resurrection It been a year. Its time to make new memories I no longer have to think about this time last year we were doing this or that or God why can't he get up? It me now that can't seem to face the days. I am hoping the increased dose of medicine, the sun and continued focus on the here and now will help me. Please God help me know you exist, that my life has meaning, that I am worthy of someones love, that I have the energy to exercise like I need to and that I learn how to be OK with my life. I pray I can stop judging, criticizing everything I do that I can accept the job I do not the job I want to do. Help me believe that it will be alright....
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun And I say it's all right
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun.
And I say it's all right.
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces.
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
It's all right, it's all right

Obama

I love Obama. I just listened to his speech on NPR and was so impressed with his points regarding the reality of racism and the race stalemate we are all in. Its easy to get into the blame game that we all get into trying to find a reason for why things are not as we had hoped. 'white privilege is something people are so resistant. The reality is though that not many people describe me as the white girl with brown curly hair, Anyone of any other race do not have that luxury therefore, it is a privilege and the definition of racism involved those who have a position of power.....Hello!!!! That would be the whites. I am not talking each person or their individual circumstances.....I'm talking about the entire race as compared to other races.


Obama rocks my world.
Jennie

Mac is my hero and my cobbler

Mac is the man who has fixed my shoes for the past 15 years or so. Well In my case its a big deal since a surgery has left my left leg significantly shorted by about 3/4th of an inch. My doctor and physical therapist have suggested that I change my lift to give my legs more stability and better evenness. Ok, so already he is my hero for helping me with my shoes. I look forward to our chats when I enter the door. I secretly hope no one is in there to look forward to another one of his stories of his 82 year old life. He is one of five brothers. The youngest of five who served in WWII. His brother was in a Fighter/bomber pilot with three successful tours. The third tour was quite rough. Mac was in the navy but never had to be in combat. His labour of love was a WWII memorial in Hamilton, MA for all the men and women who served and lived in Hamilton. It took 5 years but its completed and its beautiful. On the other side there will be Vietnam and Korean war veterans. I sat and listened as he went through each name on the memorial list most of them no longer living. He stopped and tell me stories about some of his friends. One family had 5 children go to war and she was a widow. Fortunately 4 of the 5 came home.

The other proud accomplishment that I learned about today was the pool that he and some of his friends built for the children of Hamilton. All of the children receive swimming lessons. "If I have save one life then it was worth it." I am sure he has saved more than one life. I listen some more. His first wife was ill the last few years of her life of anorexia. His second wife is feisty he says and smiles. September is Mac's 82nd birthday. He has touched my life and is on a short list of people who have helped me manage this thing called Cerebral Palsy.

I left smiling. I began thinking about Mac the fire chief for 40 years. His entire life has been about service, working hard and giving back to those in need. I get the feeling he isn't even aware of most of what he has done. I miss his beautiful dog, She was a joy to pet as I walked into the shop. I make sure to not bring her up since the last time I made that mistake he was visibly choked up. This is how it will be for me when Owen goes. This is how it will be when Mac leaves this earth to party with his family and friends.

Another day another dime

I made it through another week. I even made it to Blockbuster for some movies. I still have a long way to go but each day focusing on the mundane does help. I caught up all of my notes today. It helped me to leave work without extra stress. I made plans with friends. I am picking up my shoes from the cobbler tomorrow, going to Trader Joe's I am officially out of hibernation mode even though I don't necessarily feel like it. The sun is out longer, the spring is coming. I spent too much time unable to move. It is time to move.

Owen and I had a serious cuddle session. I have been wearing clothes that are super soft. I am trying to use lotion and enjoy how it feels on my skin. All of these are efforts to meet the needs I have for physical affection. One of my big concerns is that I will not make good choices regarding men for no other reason but b/c I am craving the physical need for touch. I have no desire to set myself up for yet another heart ache. I do miss the just sleeping part most. Having someone in bed someone to hold. This is one of the things I will take with me. One of the things for which I am most thankful. Hopefully the next person will have several things for which I am thankful. I will be with someone with whom I can understand and who can understand me. Help me to not fall for the next attractive man but the right attractive man for me.

The meaning of grief....

Something for me to ponder.....

Grief can have a quality of profound healing because we are forced to a depth of feeling that is usually below the threshold of awareness. Though many of our motivations come from this level of fear, of loss, yet we don’t know where these volitions originate. We simply find ourselves lost in action, in anger or fear, pushing away others, grasping at what we imagined to be our safety, constantly guarding our heart.
This tearing open of the heart leaves us exposed to that which has caused us and our loved ones the pain of imagined separateness so often before. This experience of discovery that grief leads us to is, for some, like going below ground level to look at the roots of a tree whose branches and twigs, leaves and flowers were all you thought were meaningful. by Steven Levine

Hope in the face of mourning

Today feels like a turning point. Many weeks of working on myself. Swimming, stretching, knitting, loving Owen. I read the Please Stop email today from Jason and did not cry. I made a date with someone who seems cool. We seem to have put all our largest issues already out there. No surprises with the limping this time. One less thing to think about. I almost didn't pursue this one b/c there were too many similarities between he and Jason. At this point though, I would think of Jason for any random reason. He is my frame of reference.

I hope I stop crying, and mourning this one sooner than later but I have been avoiding this work for almost a year and am barely three weeks into NC. I hate living in fear. I hate avoiding going to church b/c I am too freaked out about seeing his house or the dog, or Tank or Kathy. I will not be humiliated any more. I have to keep remembering this will not be forever. There will be a day I will not fear seeing him from across the road and turning around. Next week is Easter the year anniversary of our break up conversation. 'I do not feel for you what you feel for me." That is about all I remember at this point. None of it really matters any more. I loved him. He did not love me and as Bonnie Raitt says, I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't make your heart feel something it won't.....I tried, and tried but to no avail. Maybe I won't feel so abandoned next time, or have him be disgusted with how unable I was to respect his boundaries. Maybe I will learn how to take care of myself, my heart and my mind. In the mean time....I will love Owen to pieces. I will stretch, swim and survive.

Atonement

Atonement, reparation for an offense or injury or in this case a beautiful movie. I was so incensed by the wrong committed in this movie. It is awful to accuse and lie. What if one convinces oneself of rightness as in this case. The clues seemed to add up but in fact they did not. Reconciliation reparation such beautiful words but damage is not so easily forgiven. I think that is why grace is such a tough word to wrap my head around. On one hand I want so desperately to be forgiven on the other I don't think I truly deserve it. Maybe that really is the point. Perhaps none of us truly deserve the hands that we are dealt or the forgiveness that so often befalls us from the people with whom we are connected. Maybe we do, though. Isn't that what I wonder as I stay up and think....maybe I really do deserve everything that has happened to me. I just don't or can't accept that. I can't allow that life deals fairly with any of us. Who deserves to be raped, sexually abused by their dad or have their mother taken from them b/c of a drunk driver. That is just absurd I have to say God, all that you allow in this world to happen to children makes my stomach turn. If one more person tries to explain free will to me I am going to gag. I realize I will never have the mind of God but that doesn't mean I can't be completely appauled at your allowing innocence to be perverted in such horrendous ways. I know you love me and you love them and I know your heart must ache more than I can imagine for them. I am just tired of fighting for the voices of those who have lost or think their voice doesn't matter. Please help. Please don't let Evil win so much. Please help me remember that healing is possible and LOVE will prevail over ignorance, selfishness and indifference.

Misguided and wrong about anger

Ventilation.....venting your anger. I always thought it was a good strategy. come to find out from some reading and one of my client's a boy that can't seem to keep his hands off other kids when he is upset that all venting does is rehearses your anger. There is no problem solving or solution attempted only a release which in the moment might help but in the long run accomplishes nothing except alienating someone that you like. Anger is a feeling or a signal that something is wrong or needs to be changed. It isn't a solution to a problem. It creates more problems if viewed in another way than to help one identify something. Man o Man if only I had grasped this as a younger person. I might be in a much calmer place.

I have held anger up on a pedestal. I told myself it would motivate me, protect me from those who had harmed me. All it has really done is keep me more angry, alone and unable to let go of the things that hurt me before I hurt others and make it worse. Help me learn how to solve, identify and let go rather than vent and gain strength from the noose I have created in my wrong ideas about the helpfulness of anger.

Love and adoption

I had a rough day, meeting pre-adoptive homes for one of my kids. I promised her I would meet anyone we would consider for adoption. I thought, I talked, I explained everything I know about this child. My heart is breaking. It will officially kill me if they take her and then return her. I tried to make it clear that she did have issues, she does need lots of help learning how to be a young girl. She needs to be loved, accepted, held accountable. To name a few. I will miss her.

She isn't one of my kids, she is my client. I do not have children. I will not have biological children. Maybe I will adopt with someone who loves me. Otherwise I can't do it alone. I don't want to do it alone. I could and would do it if I had to but its not the ideal. I really miss him, and his pseudo mom his cats and that lovable dog. Thank God I have Owen who waits and looks forward to me coming home. So many losses, so much to handle, Please help us accept being loved and cared for even if we are not sure we deserve it.

Owen and Mommy.

We sat, cuddled and I cut matted fur off his 19 year old body. It's become a regular occurrence as I am bound and determined to have him be matte free at some point. I love that he lets be hug him and we sit face to face while he purrs and I pet. He lets me cut out his tufts even though there is a whole nother meow into the mix. Its a mix between a meow and a growl of disapproval in essence....meowl....Oh joy is time for that big red ball between my legs to fight the adductors desire to cross or in CP speak scissoring.

My mom called and we chatted. A knee replacement hurts, It hurts, i mean it really HURTS. Her percocetts make her not be able to sleep me....all I wanted to do on percs is sleep. So we compared notes. She asked about my CP. She didn't have a clue about spasms, palsy or scissoring either. "you know if I had known I would have told you." One of the kindest things she has ever said. She had no idea what was happening to me either. No one ever explained it to her. It makes me cry just to write it. She would have helped me if she had known how. This was an unexpected gift. Thanks Mommy. I love you too.

Juno and happiness

Juno is one of the best movies ever. Her dialogue is quintessential teenage. Her cadence is so much like Sam's it was freaky. It just made me happy. Her boyfriend was exactly how I would characterize a high school boy. The holding her underwear was all we needed to know he was hopelessly in love.

It felt good to be out of the house on a weekend. Its been a while. I have learned how to purl now I know the two basic stitches. It's a great feeling. I spent tons of time over the week at meetings and now i have something to do beside try and pay attention. I have to gear up for more swimming, more stretching and more working out. Juno was a great way to spend a few hours except for all the thoughts of how much Jason would be laughing if we we watching it together.

Sarah and I went out to eat. Our waiter carded us, sent me the bill and then took off our drinks. Yay. Such a small gesture, but just such a kind thing for no reason, makes me think, OK sometimes people really do nice things without motive. On another happy note, Owen continues to stick close to me at all times. He spent lots of time on my chest today. He curls up and looks like a kitten sometimes, then I see his gray filled rings around his eyes and know he is wise and loving from all those years of being there for me.

To do nothing or to be nothing

I can't even remember the last time I did something on a Saturday or Sunday. Its ironic really. One of the things that used to drive me nuts about Yason is that he would sleep all day or not leave his room, house. Now the idea, that I have to get back out there isn't all that appetizing. A friend asked me if I was sitting on the couch unable to because I was depressed or because I wanted to be there.

I have been telling myself, I want to be here, there is a part of me though, that worries I might run into him after church. There is another part of me that is tired. There is a part of me that is just used to not doing anything. I have been doing laundry lately. So that is something. Everything just seems so unappealing. Is that depression? Well since I have been depressed and on antidepressants now for ....years its hard to differentiate. I am more contented with my life now. I love that I taught myself to knit. I am trying to learn purling right now. Not so simple but I will get it. I like swimming a lot. I love the jacuzzi. I am a good therapist. I want to be a great therapist. I want to make kids lives better. I want to believe that I have good things to offer my friends. I want to make choices based on my intuition not just my feelings. I don't want to feel like a prisoner of my own home. I don't want to have CP especially when I spasm, I don't want to increase my lift. I do want better posture, I don't want to develop back problems. I do want someone to know me and not turn away from me. I do want to grow in my love of God. I do not want to be ashamed of being a Christian. I don't want people to be hurt by selfish idiots in the name of God who show no compassion, care. or grace towards their fellow man. I want to not miss or think of Jason every weekend day.

Cerebral Palsy defined

I read the latest installment of Dr. Botox's assessment of me. He sends me his notes that he gives to both my physical therapist and my insurance company I suppose. Its strange to read something about yourself that you just realized is a part of you. Cerebral Palsy Palsy " a condition marked by uncontrollable tremor of the body or a part." Cerebral Palsy is defined as, "a disability resulting from damage to the brain before, during, or shortly after birth and outwardly manifested by muscular incoordination and speech disturbances " Muscle incoordination is a nice way of saying, your body doesn't move the way you would like. Spasms are the worst part really. "an involuntary and abnormal muscular contraction." Translation as I sit with my legs apart with a big red ball in between my aductors and my left leg, hip whatever starts to release move feel a little less tight, I can feel it. I start to get scared then I try to breathe, I say to myself something like, I don't have to be afraid I don't have to spasm. Its Ok, I can handle it, I can beat this. then it happens. Spasm.....everything shakes on both sides and there is an intense pulling in of the muscles.....its like my muscles are going....FUCK YOU. I can usually handle two major ones before I am like....OK OK, you win, and I remove the big red ball and go back to sleep....in essence a failure. I am so tired of fighting with them, but if I don't they win and they continue to inhibit my movement. Someone once said, you are the one that knows your own body, Well what do you do when your own body fights your every move? I am not the master of my body, my body would prefer for me to give up so it can become a tight, wad crumpled, crooked, and cursed. Sometimes I want to just curl up and pretend like it will all be OK. I can't though b/c it wont. Not in this life anyhow.