I mowed the lawn today. I don't think I can say I ever did that before. I couldn't start the thing but after I had someone help me I mowed. I have wanted to mow the lawn since I can't remember when. My dad would never let me. A mile stone this age of the middle that I reside. I figured that since I am 43 and I got owen when I was 23 then he turns 20 this year. Quite the milestone. I wish I had a camera so I could take time lapsed photography of my garden. I know I will end up back at the nursury again. there are more places to fill in. I want more color and I don't want it to look so semetrical but more natural. The flowers are settling the watering schedule seems to be a part of my routine. I even got a hanging plant inside. This has the potential to mean I will have plants on the inside soon enough. Wow. Things really can and do change.

Owen continues to look well. NO more nasty tufts. The warm weather means I can pull them out withsome ease. Yay. He is so soft normally and it was hard to have to cut so many out. I feared nicking him and fortunately that did not occur. I am less out of shape more willing to get into a weight lifting routine. less listless or depressed. The idea of spending time with those other than my two closest friends seems less abhorent. I just want to plan and do fun things with my friends. I can not even imagine going on anything close to a date. I don't feel like I have anything interesting to say besides.....I mowed the lawn! Somehow, I don't think that will go over well as first date chit chat.

I did find one of my best buddies from college. This makes me smile. He, Jerry and I had some great fun and he was on the beach evangelism trip in 1985 that changed my life. If only I had loved John Wilkinson I would have married him. He loved me so much. I still wonder if anyone will ever come close to loving me as much as he did when we were 2o years old. It must have been painful for him to watch me love another. I know how he feels. I still appreciated his care so much. I am not sure if I just was way to afraid or if he just wasn't someone with whom I would have been compatible. It is probably both of those. There are some not many that match us intellectually, emotionally, physically and spiritually. A friend said it well when he mentioned there is a difference in finding someone attractive and finding someone who might feed your soul. Yes there is and hopefully this is why I am single. Believing and acting as if I am not good enough, worthy enough, deserving enough of love isn't working for me and frankly, isn't from the God with whom I am continuing to learn how to love. Thank you for allowing me to survive despite the odds, please help me to know that I was not a fluke, a mistake or disabled but loved as only you can. AMEN.

Birthday girl or almost

Today I planted, weeded and watered. My yard is looking acceptable now. I have worked pretty hard the last few weeks and am really enjoying the whole process. Its quite a surprise I didn't expect to want to do this well. I keep thinking that this is what I need attention, watering and care. I just have to continue to work on doing it consistently for myself. I have learned how to garden, cooked, walked where I was afraid to walk, walked at all, stretched, stretched and some more stretching. I am hoping I can still get on a horse. I keep working but I am not sure I am doing all that I can or should be doing to keep myself healthy. Thank you for helping me to heal and helping me to no give up on finding love. Thank you for teaching me and loving me even when I have a hard time thinking there is anything worth loving. Thank you for walking, thank you for gardening, thank you for giving Owen another healthy season. Thank you for resolving one of the most difficult cases I have ever encountered. Thank you for Kevin, Molly, Lizzy and Katy. Thank you for Joey and Margaret. Thank you that my family cares and forgives. Thank you that I have a place to live, a car to drive and a job I enjoy. Thank you for helping me be better. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for animals that remind me of your unconditional love. Thank you for my life. AMEN.

lament

From another blogger:

Love is AN ACTION.
It’s a saying and statement that changed my life when I read it. I do not allow people to treat me unlovingly and then say “Sorry.” SORRY does not cut it. It is NOT OKAY for you to mistreat me and then say Sorry and think all will be will okay.
It will not be. One too many sorry’s and you’re destined for the sorry trash heap.

Its all well and good to read that and realize, I am the one that is in the trash heap, I said sorry over and over, I let my standards, my interests, and my previous life drop off and now I am rebuilding. I am figuring out how not to make the same mistakes again. I am almost 43 and trying to accept my middle age. I have no male friends, my girl friends are dealing with lots of stuff like me and we have little time for one another. I miss having fun with Jason, playing backgammon, eating sushi, but I don't miss the fights, the miscommunications, the desire to help when help was not desired, the shock and dismay of not getting our differences. I miss not feeling so alone and the physical affection that was always there. I hate there is nothing I can do to change the past, or the present. Please stop contacting me is the last word. OUCH.

today i had a walk without pain!!!! that is the first time in a while. I have to stretch and stretch. Owen broke my heart tonight. He feel off the bed, he couldn't stop crying....meowing until i found him....so we cried together. he waits for me to be ready to retire....God give me the strength to deal with what may come...

42 for six more days

I hope i can do this. I hope I can process and journal about why fulfilling and finding me feels and fears as if I am giving up on the possibility of being in a relationship. I have so enjoyed my gardening. I look at my yard with pride and gotten up early just to water. I have stretched and stretched just to not be in pain. I hate my body can not tolerate just getting out of bed but loving that I have the choice to walk for now. I love that i am training and accepted at work in a new way. I like that I am not afraid to confront when I need to let someone know how they make me feel regardless of their response. I am excited I have planned and booked my first vacation just for me in years....South WEST here I come. I can't believe I am old and childless but am not bitter and shriveled just questioning and hopeful that at some point I will come to understand something that still hurts. I am thankful for a loving group of friends and family despite their limitations. I LOVE my nephew and nieces and have so enjoyed riding the exciting wave of my nephew's recruiting frenzy....yeah he is a stud. Owen continues to amaze. He so enjoys the sun flowing into the bedroom while he stretches out to have the warmth touch each inch of his body. He is such a love. Please help me remember lord, how much you love me and help me to trust in your goodness and care. I am so glad I still love and care for those with whom feel unlovable.

Gardening and planting

This weekend I bought flowers and vegetables. I planted perennials weeded some and weeded some more. I cut down a dead bush, weeded and weeded. Once one begins this endeavor one realize how much work there is to do. I understand for the first time why gardening is addictive. The goal is beauty. The care and concern comes b/c these things are not just things they are living. They need things from the gardener. Did i mention weeding? The beauty of perennials is they will keep coming back. Next is my azalea and Rhodadendrons....I know they are small but they will grow and be beautiful. My favorite is still my hydrangea. its budding, its come back to life. And the best part is I got a flat garden hose at a yard sale and Wayne just told me they go for 30.00 yay for yard sales...I paid 3 for it!!!

yoda owen

Today I gave my first talk/presentation to the teachers with whom I work. I was glad to be in a place where I had earned their respect. I had not a lot to say but just enough for them to want to know more and to seek me out as a resource that could be of assistance to them. Amazing. Thank you for this opportunity.

I have decided that Owen is another representation of the feline Yoda. his ears fold in such away that it looks just like him. Partly it is the purring and the appreciation of the petting. Then there is the contentment and peace that he exudes after he has been fed or loved. This is the sort of contentment for which I strive. He is a love.

Doing the right thing even when I don't feel like it, feels good.

I had one of those days that makes me smile. I did things today and yesterday that made me feel like a good friend and a kind person. I need to have days like this more often.

I love Brendan, He is one of the best 8 year old boys ever made, but boy I did not want to baby sit last night. However it was Denise's birthday. I had no plans. I had no reason to say no except that I had weed whacked for the last hour, I was covered in freshly cut grass and I had to dye my hair. Like I said, I had no real reason to say no. Brendan and I watched the Sox game, we ate ice cream all was well with the world.

I love Trader Joe's. Even before I met Evan I loved Trader Joe's. Evan makes me laugh, he looks at me like I am pretty and he is adorable. So I wrote him a thank you note today for helping me through one of the roughest days of my recent past. I was exhausted, depleted and hungry, Did I mention, HUNGRY. Evan or should I say evin, as his name tag read made me laugh and the worst day, became an OK day. He walked me to my car, he hugged me, and he said he was dating someone, but I could honestly say, " That isn't why I wrote that card, or it is why I did not leave any way of contacting me, I did not want to have ulterior motives." He inquired, he cared enough to want to know why I was so upset that day, and he still looked at me like I was pretty, and he seemed sad that he was seeing some one else. I took a risk, and I am glad I did. Now, he knows he made a positive impact on this sad, person, even if it was just for today.

Catch and let go.

Watching a movie per my usual Saturday routine. I tried to weedwhack and made some headway then the rain was too much to fight. I love the smell of fresh cut grass. It was great being out there even going to building center was a rush. There is a part of me that comes alive when I am outside. It is a world I kept away from except for when I have been upset or sad. What I have come realize though is that it makes me happy. Walking or not, running or not. It has held this place of reminder that there are things outside that I can't do. I can't play tennis, I can't run marathons, I can't get the presidential award from Elementary school, I can't play football, I can't play baseball. I can't sail but I want to learn, I can't tell what a weed is compared to a wild flower but I will learn. I can't thread a weed whacking machine correctly as of yet but maybe tomorrow.

I have my mom's wedding dress in my closet, I haven't worn it but maybe I will even if it isn't my wedding day. It is a girl thing. I miss Jason, I miss my Mom and sometimes my dad. I miss Katrina, and Julie and Jesse and Manuel. I am freaked about being middle aged. I am scared about being in pain again. I have a life. I read a lot about what it means to be a happy fulfilled person. I like to help people, see them smile even if they are sad on the inside. I like to love the unlovable. I like to believe in the unbelievable. I like to expect miracles. I like that losing my wallet reminds me that I am a space shot and that God is still looking out for me. I have come to understand that when push comes to shove I will do for others before myself when I can and that does not make me a codependent idiot. I say the lords prayer every day. I hope that people learn about the God I have come to know, not the one that seeks to judge and to harm. I know that children deserve to feel safe and be fed. I know no one ever asks to be raped, beaten or killed.

I know that living my life means I have to act out my beliefs. If I choose to not act on my beliefs.....they are not then, therefore, my actual beliefs. I will seek to inspire, be inspired, and accept my life has been a culmination choices I made. There is no one to blame or hold responsible. If I am miserable with the cards I think I have been dealt then it is my fault for not getting different cards. Taking a risk is the only way I have to learn, grow and be who I think I should, can and will be.