Owen gave me a large toothy grin this morning. Haven't had the pleasure of the grin in a while. I watched him have some sort of seizure in his sleep and then he awoke, startled, scared, disoriented? I don't know but when he saw I was there I received a nice mrow. He has taken to a new place on the bed it is the first place the sun hits from the crack let open by the curtain. He is no dummy that is for sure.
I am trying to not be bothered by the tufts much like someone in a long time relationship who can't believe she or he did that thing...leave the seat up, fart in public, snore, not put the parmesian back in the fridge, its cheese after all. They don't bother him as much as they bother me and after all its his body.
On this the day for lovers, and candy and Hallmark business tycoons, I don't mind being single. I know what I want now, I have been trying to taste all that is sweet instead of realizing I have been getting splenda when I ask for sugar. What is the point of being with someone unless they or you really want them? I am coming to this conclusion (finally) Its best to not to have anything in ones coffee than to have the thing that is only a cheap substitute anyhow. It seems so simple yet in practice when loneliness or fear creeps and will not be kept at bay things happen. There is wreckage. I don't have to get shipwrecked every time, this i know now.
I still cry when I miss those with whom I have loved. I want a miracle to take the sadness the sometimes overwhelms when I think of all the stupid things I did to hold on foolishly to that which was not mine to begin with. All I can do now is look forward and hope for another day with the love that never lets me down and pray I can let him go with grace when it is his time to go. I just always hope for one more day. That is what I am given.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
20 years or yesterday
he sleeps, i type, he tries to walk on the keys, i grumble, i move him, he climbs back to where he wants to be, he falls off the couch and i feel awful. a typical night here. some nights i laugh as i type. sometimes i cry and type. mostly i watch, read, type or as i just did, i lift Owen back onto the couch and again the same thing. now that he is awake it means he will lick my fingers as i type. this is honestly the only thing i consider completely yucky. trust me on this one when one has an elderly cat there are several possibilities for yuckiness.
mary and i had a great conversation last night. owen's official other mommy. its hard for her to believe he is still our crazy stray from years past. mary and bri have three boys. their third child has some serious challenges. he is her love. she extends all she can and i am sure he is one of the most loved people in her world. she knows intuitively i get it. 20 years doesn't mean much to us. she is my sister more than my friend. some are like that. those you know time, space. fighting, years, sometimes it matters other times not.
no one has it easy even if you meet the love of your life at 20, are beautiful the sort of beauty that stops men in their tracks on a regular basis, or is living in a much warmer climate. i am so tired of watching able bodied people chose to ruin their bodies, bemoan their awfulness, and refuse to try and change that which makes them miserable. I want to trade in all those able bodies and trade all those sick bodies so the misery would be in ones mind and body and those who didn't "deserve" the misery wouldn't have it. Oh yeah, that would not be in this life.
All i know is i want to be known, to love unselfishly, to be present, as present as i am with those kids, day after day, i want the sort of life personally that i have professionally which means i have to be honest, true and unapologetic for that which means the most to me.
mary and i had a great conversation last night. owen's official other mommy. its hard for her to believe he is still our crazy stray from years past. mary and bri have three boys. their third child has some serious challenges. he is her love. she extends all she can and i am sure he is one of the most loved people in her world. she knows intuitively i get it. 20 years doesn't mean much to us. she is my sister more than my friend. some are like that. those you know time, space. fighting, years, sometimes it matters other times not.
no one has it easy even if you meet the love of your life at 20, are beautiful the sort of beauty that stops men in their tracks on a regular basis, or is living in a much warmer climate. i am so tired of watching able bodied people chose to ruin their bodies, bemoan their awfulness, and refuse to try and change that which makes them miserable. I want to trade in all those able bodies and trade all those sick bodies so the misery would be in ones mind and body and those who didn't "deserve" the misery wouldn't have it. Oh yeah, that would not be in this life.
All i know is i want to be known, to love unselfishly, to be present, as present as i am with those kids, day after day, i want the sort of life personally that i have professionally which means i have to be honest, true and unapologetic for that which means the most to me.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
25 random things...
This was a facebook thing write twenty five random things but because I began with my beloved, Owen it deserves a spot
1. My 20 year old cat, Owen was named after Danny De Vito in Throw Mama From the Train.
2. I talk to people and smile and mostly they smile back (mostly)
3. Some of my favorite clothes were purchased at the Salvation Army
4. I attended Seminary and interned at a state mental hospital in the same year.
5. My real name is Jennie not Jennifer. I have the same name as my mom.
6. I used to dream of being the bionic woman and marrying the six million dollar man.
7. Once while playing in a church my friend and I stole a communion wafer. I thought God would never forgive me….but now I know better.
8. I think having compassion showing mercy is more important that being convinced of being right
9. Finding friends from years past on face book makes me happy b/c I am terrible with keeping in touch.
10. I love that my family loves everyone even when we don’t like each other very much.
11. I have learned its harder to be honest but makes me a better friend that being “nice”
12. The New York Giants, Springsteen and Bono have gotten me through many a tough times.
13. It still hurts when people ask "why I just don’t get a handicapped sticker.?"
14. It took me a long time to learn how to ride a bike, when I did, It was one of the happiest days of my life. My first bike had a blue sparlkling bananna seat!
15. I was convinced from before I can remember that there is a God who loves all of us all the time.
16. I am grateful for all the children and teenagers I have had had the opportunity to meet.
17. Smelling freshly cut grass makes me smile especially after I have mowed it.
18. I say the lords prayer when ever I am stressed to myself and it calms me down.
19. Going as fast as I can on a horse, car or boat takes me to an ideal place.
20 Living by the water my entire life has made me cherish how fortunate I have been.
21. I believe and know sobriety is always an option no matter the addiction.
22. I collect and love any children’s book written by Joan Walsh Anguld
23. I trust my intuition but seek to talk less and listen more.
24. I idealize romantic love but know, its more important for me be loved and known on the inside more than the outside.
25. I remain hopeful despite the terrible state of the world, thanks in part to my amazing friends and family.
1. My 20 year old cat, Owen was named after Danny De Vito in Throw Mama From the Train.
2. I talk to people and smile and mostly they smile back (mostly)
3. Some of my favorite clothes were purchased at the Salvation Army
4. I attended Seminary and interned at a state mental hospital in the same year.
5. My real name is Jennie not Jennifer. I have the same name as my mom.
6. I used to dream of being the bionic woman and marrying the six million dollar man.
7. Once while playing in a church my friend and I stole a communion wafer. I thought God would never forgive me….but now I know better.
8. I think having compassion showing mercy is more important that being convinced of being right
9. Finding friends from years past on face book makes me happy b/c I am terrible with keeping in touch.
10. I love that my family loves everyone even when we don’t like each other very much.
11. I have learned its harder to be honest but makes me a better friend that being “nice”
12. The New York Giants, Springsteen and Bono have gotten me through many a tough times.
13. It still hurts when people ask "why I just don’t get a handicapped sticker.?"
14. It took me a long time to learn how to ride a bike, when I did, It was one of the happiest days of my life. My first bike had a blue sparlkling bananna seat!
15. I was convinced from before I can remember that there is a God who loves all of us all the time.
16. I am grateful for all the children and teenagers I have had had the opportunity to meet.
17. Smelling freshly cut grass makes me smile especially after I have mowed it.
18. I say the lords prayer when ever I am stressed to myself and it calms me down.
19. Going as fast as I can on a horse, car or boat takes me to an ideal place.
20 Living by the water my entire life has made me cherish how fortunate I have been.
21. I believe and know sobriety is always an option no matter the addiction.
22. I collect and love any children’s book written by Joan Walsh Anguld
23. I trust my intuition but seek to talk less and listen more.
24. I idealize romantic love but know, its more important for me be loved and known on the inside more than the outside.
25. I remain hopeful despite the terrible state of the world, thanks in part to my amazing friends and family.
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