Grateful today

This morning Owen was in his usual position in a round ball next to my head. he feels when i move and gives me a mmmrrrr and goes back to sleep. This last week I have moved my curtain so that the sun shines in from the top of window. I made this concession b/c he loves to lay in the sun. Before going to work I found him postured toward the window with his eyes closed. One of the best gifts in my life is his hugs and purrs. I am grateful for this concrete reminder that I am loved.

The children with whom I work care for me too. Its been one of those weeks where I can look and see the difference I have made. Its a rare occurrence so I am going to celebrate. One young girl who has had more familial abuse and a mother dying of cancer is about to be adopted by a loving family. A brilliant young boy , blew everyone away with his amazing test scores proving that he is not a behavior problem just incredibly bored. He received a special plan to increase his academic challenges and teach to his learning style. The entire team loves this kid and was on the same page as to how to help him. This is amazing. Thank you for another reminder of my strengths and my worth in the midst of struggle.

Someday

I can't decide if I have a life and just don't know it or if I just am so familiar with bemoaning my life or if I just expected to know what to do and I would all of a sudden have a life, a purpose a reason for living. I have been fine when it has come to my career. I seemed to know what I wanted what I was good at. I knew my strengths and knew my weaknesses. I thought I understood emotions, empathy, how to relate to others how to have real friendships. Now I look at those things and I wonder. I think my shyness really did inhibit my social development. More because I felt like I was not shy, people who made hurtful comments created a self-protected, brave young girl. This little girl did not come out of her shell until college. I think of all the social groups I became a part of so that could be friends and meet men. Christian men.

Dave Hornes Bible Study
Park Street church cafe...and then Crossroads
MeetChristians.com
Grace Chapel/ Basics
E Harmony
Match.com
Eight Minute Dating

I am sure I must be forgetting some along the way and I met no one with whom I connected for more than a few dates. I know I am not a perfect person. I know I have lots of flaws, but so do most people. I am attractive, I have a brain I do not expect someone to be gorgeous, rich, or without problems.

Its interesting that the two men I have had romantic relationships with did not believe in a God, a higher power, or considered the spiritual side of life particularly relevant. What does that say about me? Am I convinced that I have the power to change their mind? or it is that they verbalize and consider the doubts I used to/still have? Maybe its a little of both. Both of these men truly cared for me as a person but could not commit to me long term. Why did they not fall in love with me? Why do I chose men that do not fall in love with me the way I fall for them? These are things worth considering. I try to think about why this last break up feels so terrible as opposed to the one before. One thing was I said no contact and said that if I called him to tell him something to no call back. I set the rules....J set the rules for us after I could not handle the friendship thing. This exposed me in a way that was so embarrassing, humiliating, weak of me that he had to do what I knew and could not give myself all along. It also comes down to the real friendship I had with this man. It is a much deeper sense of loss than I have experienced previously. My first relationship really surrounded physical intimacy while this one was so much more of a friendship. Maybe part of that was his lack of romantic love for me. I think I owe him so much for showing me the unimportance of sex versus relationship. Sex is part of it but not the largest portion. The humiliation of the way things finally ended will be a wound not easily healed.

I was 39 without any romantic relationship experience. I had abstained for so long I had idealized the sexual part of the relationship because it was the one thing I had not experienced and FEAR of never having it propelled me into my first relationship which was not committed or in the long run healthy. With J. I learned some valuable lessons. Hopefully I will have an opportunity to benefit from what I think I might have learned with someone else.

I am not sure all of this effort to meet men has been a worthwhile endeavor. Perhaps I should have spent more time trying to improve the quality of my life. The thing is I had a good job I had friends, I did not have romantic attachment. So that is what I thought would make me happier. I wonder what my life would have looked like if I had chosen to take anti-depressants ten years prior. Would this have made me a more comfortable, able to tolerate the awkwardness I feel around men? Is this what created such a late bloomer. I had to spend so much energy just trying to feel OK. I did not have too much more energy to help me in other areas of my life.

I want to put more energy into me, what makes me more content, maybe I will be alone and end up with cats, dogs, etc. I guess it could be worse. I could not have a job I enjoy not have a house that is my own, not have an incredible companion names Owen baby, not have people that care if I live or die, not be able to walk, be blind, or completely alone with no one. Even though I feel like I am alone, I have lots of people that care, I have no one to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning, I have no one to call and say goodnight, I have no one to help me change the light bulbs, or no one to get a pizza and watch a movie. I know I idealize the romantic relationship, I know I have watched way too many schmaltzy movies, and believed all those fairy tales as the gospel truth. I know I am wrong about many things but I do know I have the capacity to give my heart to someone and receive love from someone someday.

The reasons I put up with all this Grieving sh@t

Grief is one of those things that can and will be worked out. I have been reading the grief recovery handbook and will begin the exercises soon. This sucks...BUT, What I appreciate so far is the premise that grief is real and has to be identified as such. It also confirms what I had also come to understand that when I have experienced a loss every time I experiencing another one I react and mourn as if all of my losses are fresh and in front of me. How validating to read it in a book from two people that are not in the psychological field but both sufferers of loss. They were so aware of the lack of help or understanding of loss they made it their lives work to help others who were grieving. They offer hope. Myths that don't help just make us feel worse. Here is one that has make me feel awful....Time heals.....Not if you don't do anything to heal.....I always hated this b/c I never seemed to heal with just time and felt I must be emotionally and physcially defective. GREAT.

Sunday I went through a whole roll of toilet paper and the water works felt like they would never stop crying. I hope feeling my feelings means i am healing. Its exhausting to cry like that. I did face some of my fears yesterday and walked the town in which he lives. I have not been able to do that for several months for fear of running into him. I cant live in fear. I was thinking about the myth of safety.

I have spent so much time trying to play it safe to avoid getting hurt but what that has done is just give me little practice in the life of the heart. I felt most at home in the unrequited relationship reinforcing all those ideas that someone could not possibly love me. I chose over and over to not look at the red flags the obvious messages that told me that there was no mutuality in the feelings I had for these men. Safe, unfulfilling and reinforcing my low opinion of myself. I so created this situation. Things sometimes just happen like falling for someone. But I chose/or I could not move on, heal, work though whatever it was. I did not learn how to do it differently.... Lots of therapy and all my therapist at the time did was minimize how I felt and not understand why I didn't just move on. I really had no idea how. That was one of the reasons I was in therapy!!!!! HELLO.

It is funny insight does not bring happiness, it makes me more sad. I know what I did wrong, I know how I contributed to how I got to be almost forty three and single with one real relationship with a man in her history. I will continue in this path of insight b/c I want to be in a fulfilling mutually satisfying loving relationship. I don't think a relationship can and will make me happy. I am a depressed person naturally, but I come alive when I care deeply for someone. I like being with people and knowing I am cared for is the best confidence builder there is. I fear I will be alone for the rest of my life. If I give into that fearI will build walls around my heart to become a safe isolated place. I will be miserable and a coward increasing my insecurity. One of the only things that has helped me is taking risks and creating challenges. Confronting my fear is tiring and I get sick of it, however, It is great to know I didn't cave. Grieving, sh@t is the worst b/c it feels like I have completely given in to all my fears and given up. All my reasonable thinking skills just leave and that needy, abandonment issue girl takes over. This is why I am taking this grieving thing so seriously. I don't want that abandonment girl to rule any more of my future tries at love. She has created enough humiliation and it has to be stopped.

gardening and growing

Ok so gardening is super therapeutic I must admit. It is sort of addicting too. Weeding feels really good. Tilling the soil for the upcoming vegetable garden. Its exciting actually. It made me glad that sometimes we just have to keep moving. I went to a party tonight with some friends and had fun. This a a great start.

The curiosity that killed that cat got me tonight and I checked his blog for the first time in over two months. I can berate myself or just rejoice that I got a chance to see a picture of his daughter in Rockport. YAY!!!!!! I am glad I looked. I am so happy for him. I thought about emailing him or something but this is the only place I put anything about him. It is my only safe place. My friends are all set with Jason talk. My family well they were never in the loop. Owen well he knows it all and still loves us both as it should be.

It is funny that things seem so simple when they are not happening to you. I would have never thought I would not be able to understand and act on the simple request of no contact. Its another thing that will remind me that sometimes other factors take over. Like the "I am not worth anyone's time or energy" factor. That has been one of my most cherished ones. I still remember the time I had sex when I didn't like what was happening and I was crying on the inside and yet I never said stop, or don't or I do not like that. I would have never believed I would have ever done that either.

I hope I have learned these lessons. I am tired of being humiliated and yet it still seems so normal. I look forward to the day when its so out of the question that it smells wretched and to resist it will be simpler. One day at a time. one weed at a time. Focus on what I can change, Focus on what I can do today, let go of what mistakes I made yesterday and enjoy each day. Nothing is guaranteed. No one can complete us. We must complete ourselves one step at a time.

I am glad that I still have my fantabulous cat, spring is here, I am painless, and grateful. Good things are happening we all deserve good things and good people to support us. Life is too hard otherwise. Amen.

“If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis.”

“If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis.”

This is what I needed today. It is so easy for me to sit around like today, a beautiful day and do absolutely nothing. Well the thing is if nothing changes then nothing changes. I can't expect the quality of my life to improve if I do nothing to improve it. I love sitting and petting Owen. There is more to life than just this. Fear has to stop influencing me. It doesn't help me. It does nothing for me except keeping me where I do not what to be. I have no one to blame, I have no one with whom I can depend. I have me and my resources. I have God who has given me things that I can chose to use or I can chose to let them rot.

The inertia I experience is immense. Ironic really. If I had been this sort of person previously I would have not had half the amount of disagreements as I ended up having with my ex. Lets explore the paranoia for a moment, "ah look there is that woman, LOok she is alone. Wow she must be such a loser. Oh and look at her limp, that poor dear. She must have such a hard life. " Are any of those thoughts the least bit helpful? Oh yeah they help me keep doing nothing so nothing changes. yeah, that is the ticket.
“If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis.”

Penquins

"I like the way you walk, you want to know why?"
"Why?"
"Because my favorite animal is a penguin."

This was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me.
She is an awesome kid.

On my way to a website?

Another quiet day. It is always a challenge to go back to work after a several day break. So while reading some of my favorite women blogs I learned about this website? not even sure how to describe it but I put in my interests and it takes me to websites that I might like....how much fun is that!

This is one of the gems I found tonight:


"Seven Blunders of the World"
1. Wealth without work
2. Pleasure without conscience
3. Knowledge without character
4. Commerce without morality
5. Science without humanity
6. Worship without sacrifice
7. Politics without principle
—Mahatma Gandhi

My hydrangea needs tlc

Great day gardening trying to resurrect a hydrangea bush. Like it or not I have to garden now if I want a decent looking yard. besides tearing up both of my fore arms it felt good to be outside and using my hands. Owen basked in the sun as I weeded and cut back the bush. I hope it blooms Hydrangeas are just the best. Owen is calling. Its time for bed. He wants to be next to me and I am typing... I know this is totally unacceptable. I love the constant care and concern although I do get tired sometimes of all the yelling!!!

Its been over two months of no contact and I am proud of myself. No blog reading nothing. I want to know whats going on with him or how he is, but that is about it. I hope we can and will be in touch at some point but I know I don't want to take any steps backwards. I have to focus on me and what I am doing to create these problems. It has little to do with him. Besides my physical difficulties I held on for no good reasons.

I want to deserve a man who wants to love me support me in my faith. I want to be the type of person that is attractive to that sort of man.

26.2

Watching thousands of people running for the goal of finishing a 26.2 mile race is painful. There is joy, there is screaming, clapping smiling but in the end pain pure and simple. The joy is in taking ones body to the brink of disaster and survive. Or so I suppose. Margaret has always been able to accomplish things I could only dream. I don't want to run those kinds of miles but knowing I can't still stings.

When I met her, she was delirious. She had a terrible run. She was ill. I took her to the medical tent for attention. The first time in my life I could walk faster than Margaret. No one is allowed in the tent except the runners. So I just sat outside crying. Crying for her because it is awful to see someone you love in pain.

She came out with her friend and we went back to Brookline. They went to bed. I went to Anna's for a Burrito extraordinaire and all is well with the world once again. I love you, Margaret. I even love that you are my sister. Congratulations.

Marg and me.

Its been a beautiful week outside. It finally feels spring like. I fear even typing those words. I am sure that means it will be cold soon enough. I took my first walk on the beach back and forth got my heart rate up and boy, I am out of shape. My sister ran about 3.6 miles. Ok so I clocked it. We cleaned out my storage space and I can actually access my stuff that I haven't been able to in the last few years. She even changed a light bulb for me. All the things I don't have the muscles or the height for. She wants for me to get rid of the green chair to increase the space in the room. I am fine with getting rid of it I want to to be able to give it to someone. Its a great chair. She is right though, I don't have room for it. It does make me feel much better to have more things in order. Its the simple things after all.

Nice to have Margaret around just to hang out and catch up. Usually its the whole family and its too busy to just sit and talk. It is good to be back in the land of the living. She really has no idea what it is like to be depressed and doesn't agree with me taking medicine but what is important to me is that I feel better and now I can do things because I am not so tired all the time. She hasn't learned that she isn't my Mom she is my sister. yay for Jennie.

Owen enjoyed having another person around. Margaret isn't used to all the verbage Owen has to offer but she understands how affection is such a large part of his life. I am hoping for some cooler weather for the 26.2 trek on Monday. That is a lot o miles. I can't even imagine. I will be there with bells on.

YOU are a BAD mommy

I haven't heard the I can't believe you just did that!!!!!! Meow in a while but oh boy, did I get a serious chewing out when he decided to not get out of the way of the mop. He has taken to sleeping on my pillow, I means he sleeps on the pillow I sleep beside it. I don't mind. In the morning he jockeys his position on the bed so as to catch the most sun light on the majority of his body. Oh to be a cat!

Ouch, thats smarts

Sunday morning, listening to a sermon, creating more pandora channels., stretching. I was doing well. Two hours in the "Abductor torture pose so I can get on a horse sooner than later. I did some weights today I sat on the ball last night, I need to work harder, but I am working on it. I was thinking about blogging how damn it. I am going to beat this spastic tendancy that my muscles have. I am stronger than the spacticity, Cerebral Palsy does not define me or my body, and then just as I was getting ready to remove myself from the torturous position and BANG, ZAP, POW, (ok so I stole from Batman) The spasm hit like no other. Spasm one, Jennie zero. This is what makes me want to never stretch ever again. I have to remember the mantra I will not break, I will not break, I might now break but feeling like a taut rubber band most of the time just isn't fun.

I know, I know it could be worse. I walk, I ride a bike, I work, I can go anywhere, accessible or not. It is one of my greatest thorns in my side that hurts more than I would like to admit. I am thankful for many things, this physical difficulty though, It is hard to lay this one down at your feet. It is right up there with singleness, I always assumed I could handle it if only I had a man to love me. I have neither and am more aware of that being my doing and not yours. I think there is truth to Love your neighbor as your self. The part that has come the hardest is the Love yourself part. I sit and listen to all the critical nonsense that goes through my brain minute by minute and then I know from whence this poor self respect comes. Most of that crap inside is hurt, imbedded deep with in the skin. I have been cleaning it out inch by inch. This too takes conscience effort. I am not defective. I have tight muscles that fight me. I am attractive to some. I am intelligent and caring. I love God and I deserve a man who loves and appreciates me. In the mean time, I have to clean.

simple pleasures

I finally made it through the fifth level. Not sure how, maybe it was the Def Comedy Jam I was listening to while I tried to get past 5-4. 5-5 and 5-6 were simple. Well a good accomplishment. Another wonderful cuddling session with my main man, cat really. It is one of the best feelings to just pet and hear the purr, the meow the happiness radiating for such a simple act of affection.

Today was one of those days that was full each and every minute. I think I wasn't at my desk more than a minute without the phone ringing, the walkie calling for me or paperwork waiting to be accomplished. These days go quickly, but they make my mind race with all the things I did and all the things that need to be done.

My shinning moment today was reconnecting with a quiet young girl who is terrified of having someone know her. Its been a long trek with this one and today, there was a connection....this is what makes my work rewarding, laying the ground work for relationship, healing, insight.

Not sure what this weekend will hold but I have lots to accomplish either with my house, my next steps, my summer possibilities, my vacation plans, and for once I can say I will not be trying to beat Level 5-4 of Luxor.....its the simple things in life.

technological wonder

I actually googled how to turn off my "maintenance necessary" light and successfully got it to turn off....Miraculous!!!!!

Meow, and Manuel

Man U El. He is one of my former students. He is Indiana trying to find himself through studying scientology. I don't really understand it but all I care about is that it helps him. He sounded so different on the phone tonight. He had excitement and happiness in his voice for the first time that he arrived in the states from Argentina.

The change is due to his acceptance and plan to go to school and study the arts, photography, design etc. I am so excited for him. I want him to feel connected to something and for him to discover who he is, what sort of legacy he will leave, and to think that his life has been worth living.

When I hear from my former students, its like a reminder from the Lord, that my life has not been for nothing, and that I have done well by those kids, I loved and believed in them. I just thought that if I continued to do this that someday, someone would come along that would love and believe in me. I am not sure why I haven't allowed this/or why it hasn't happened, but in the mean time I am going to Love God, Love myself, in spite of all of my short comings, and pray for those with whom I care. For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, are plans so that you might have a future and a hope.......let it be so.

Wed Nes DAY

You're not a victim. You're a volunteer. I love this from Susan and her blog that has helped me beyond measure. It is so easy to have a pity party about this that or the other thing but the fact is we have one life to live and it doesn't matter what has happened to us. What matters is that we work it out and not allow oneself to play the victim. Awful things happen to great people. Compassion and understanding does not equal pity.

I went swimming tonight and was reminded that my body is only going to improve if I make a commitment to it and don't give up. I noticed some wrinkles today and some differences in my body I had not noticed. Aging is happening. I just have to accept it and be the best person and have the best body humanly possible.

Work continues to be fruitful. I have been enjoying the children since I have begun to experience joy yet again. I am so thankful for those beautiful children.

All the things I wish I could....

Reow, reow, reow, that is the sounds I heard tonight as I walked in the door. I so look forward to his high verbal welcome. He eats, settles in next to me after fighting with me on and off the keyboard. Its familiar, but comforting. I am completely addicted to Luxor. I can't beat this level for the life of me. I am thankful for something to do.


Well at least, we, Owen and I, have this blog to write all of our thoughts and feelings. I am surprised how helpful writing has become when I can't think of anything else to do. One of these days I can look back and be thankful that all of these ramblings don't hurt any more. Its also a way for me to chronicle Owen's life so he becomes immortal. He has helped me more over the years than all those therapy sessions. AFFECTION, MEOWING, and LOVE = OWEN, BABY.

monday monday

Good start to the week today. I got to the gym which means it will be that much easier to get there tomorrow. My energy continues to come back to me. Owen is trying desperately to type, unsuccessfully, I might add. I have to plan stuff for the coming weekend before I get too tired and decide to just chill. My sister will be here in a matter of days. Prepare, prepare, prepare.

Coupons coupons and coupons

I just went to CVS and saved $17.00 from things on sale and coupons!!!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE to save money on things I need anyway. There is no reason to pay full price for anything at any time!!!!! Yahoo!!!

a prayer for hope, health and healing

I practiced a meditation last night, asking for hope, health and healing. I meditated on my problem with feeling unworthy of love. I meditated on being worthy. I cried and cried. I asked for healing in all the places that I hold onto trauma memories. I asked for hope, health and healing from the Lord above, the God of love, the God that knew me in my mothers womb, the God that has shown himself to me, time and time again.

Am I being punished for loving an atheist? No, not at all. Am I punishing myself for not being able to have an atheist fall in love with me? That is more like it. There must me something inherently wrong with me if I can't be more attractive to someone who has become convinced that God is a terrible thing to have in ones life. Religion is a detriment to someones point of view. Well that is certainly a lot of power for someone like me to have. I am just not that important. I have no more an incredible person to influence an atheist, that has credible evidence as to why not to believe than I do to convince a child that she should not love her biological mother who sexually abused her over and over again. All I can do is live my life as best I know how and pray, pray for guidance and care to not hurt but be an instrument of healing.

I know this, I know this in my head, but my heart still aches. My heart misses this man who did not love me as I loved him. This man who told me over and over that he did not love me. This man who reminded me over and over that his care could not heal me. This man could not comfort my deepest needs. This man who often said, you must find these things within yourself. I bristled against this for God was supposed to do this for me. But God has been trying to instill these things within me over and over. I resisted these installations in favor of doing what I thought would gain me favor with a man with whom I was enamored.

The problem over and over became that my vessel was not steady, not firm in knowledge of my worth. I am made in Gods image and fearfully and wonderfully made. I, have fought against this body of mine, so much so that I did not even know what Cerebral palsy actually was. If I ignored it maybe it would go away. If I ignored Jason, maybe his concerns would disappear. He wants space but not really. He doesn't really mean, space he just misses me and is afraid of missing me. That is just one possibility of a ridiculous rationalization of poor behavior. I am not without blame. He is not without fault either. His goal was always honesty, but there was also desiring to have what he desired. A friend. I never wanted a friend. I did not have enough self respect to ask for no contact. I could not tolerate the pain. He could not comfort the pain. He was causing it. I chose to ignore. I chose to assume it was something faulty within myself. If only I was like this or that he would have loved me.

I don't want to have so much power any more. Its too much to carry around. I have never cared or had someone known me as well. That is the source of the grief. I attached fully. If I could do it with Jason, I can do it with someone else who loves me who also loves the God that has created and loved me. I have this in my head but not in my heart. I want to hold on to the pain, I want to blame myself for some inherent problem I must have to have caused this chasm. This is the magical thinking of a young girl that thinks that she can stop her father from drinking or she can keep herself from harm when someone decides to sexually molest her. These beliefs just hurt me and reiterate my failings. I don't have the power from stopping someone from drinking, molesting, or believing in the existence of a God with whom I love.

One thing that is true though, is that this drinker, molester, or atheist are all men that I have loved with my whole heart. People cause pain because love is imperfect, people are fallible. I can and will love others that will seek to heal, give me hope and help me be healthy. I will still love those with whom don't love me, but I don't have to assume its because there is something damaged about me. I will love and have compassion because I have been there in the pit of despair and I have chosen to not live there. I chose to have hope, health and healing. Amen.

A new recipe

Artichokes and Pasta

I actually followed a recipe today and made a killer pasta dish. White wine sauteed with garlic, diced tomatoes, marinated artichokes and bow tie pasta. I am so proud and it reminded me that I can when looking at a recipe, cook. The more I find healthy, simple recipes the more I will cook. I was pleasantly surprised with myself. The more I plan to do something, the more I will follow through. One step in front of the other is all I need to remember. I am given enough grace for today, I can ask for more tomorrow. Hope will produce greater success and confidence. I will become confident in my personal life just like in my professional life. I will have something to offer and be desired.

da baby owen

I am just sitting here on the computer, checking my email and Owen tries and tries to lick my fingers as I type. yuck. I love this cat beyond measure, but the licking of the fingers....not so much. So he settles crunched up next to the back of the couch and the keyboard. He sleeps. When he is all curled up I love to watch and pet him. Then he rings a sort of brill but its mmmmrrro and then he looks at me and returns to the slumber. ahhh. such a life.

hes's da baby. these are the times i wish Jason and his camera were around or just the mutual admiration we have for this animal is missed. I wonder if I will ever be able to look at him again after my humiliating behavior. I don't see it at this point. It is all so sad really but that is what a break up is. its a BREAK. I can't fix it I just have to wait and let it heal. I am proud that it has been over a month since I have chosen to be humiliated. All I have to do if I think about contacting him is look at his last email and that puts be back into reality. I wish him well. I pray for him often. I hope I can gain enough strength to make it to church tomorrow.

In honor of...

This is the time of year I used to teach the civil rights movement. Ruby Bridges, Rosa Parks, Edward Till, these are my heroes ordinary people placed in extraordinary circumstances and their lives changed the face of a nation....As we consider 5 years in a worthless war consider the words of MLK 40 years prior.....some things have changed some has endured.

"There is at the outset a very obvious and almost facile connection between the war in Vietnam and the struggle I, and others, have been waging in America. A few years ago there was a shining moment in that struggle. It seemed as if there was a real promise of hope for the poor—both black and white—through the poverty program. There were experiments, hopes, new beginnings.
Then came the buildup in Vietnam and I watched the program broken and eviscerated as if it were some idle political plaything of a society gone mad on war, and I knew that America would never invest the necessary funds or energies in rehabilitation of its poor so long as adventures like Vietnam continued to draw men and skills and money like some demonic destructive suction tube. So I was increasingly compelled to see the war as an enemy of the poor and to attack it as such."

Martin Luther King Jr., April 4, 1967, Riverside Church

whew....its Friday.

Owen is sitting here by the computer. He gets so territorial if I am not paying attention to him. Some might be annoyed by his constant need for affection but not me. It is comforting that someone or something cares for me and wants to be with me no matter what. I can not imagine how much more I might have been made bitter without the love and affection of my pets over the years. It makes me happy.

Today at work my supervisor told me that she was asked to present at the state house on Tuesday at the EEC Board meeting. EEC is the governing body of Early Education and Care. This is the source of my grant. They would not be asking my supervisor to sell the program if I was not doing well at my job. This was a great surprise. I haven't felt like much of anything lately. I have worked without fail but my heart has been dragging. I had no idea how I was doing or have been doing. I do know, however, how fortunate I am to have such an excellent position. The staff finally looks at me as a help vs. a hindrance. In addition I will be giving some trainings to the staff in the next few weeks. Presentations are not my forte but they are an honor to create. All in all a great week. I am so thankful to have energy and hope once again.

slow and steady wins the race

I can't believe I still have a clean place. I am hoping this begins new habits for me. I like walking into my house now. I am less embarrassed, stressed and am looking to do some home improvements. I usually go on vacation this time of the year, but going to visit my folks isn't relaxing. I need to relax somewhere and preferably somewhere warm. I get sick of winter by the end of march even though I know better than to believe New England has a spring. Its a myth that is passed on from generation to generation.

I think I will plant veggies this year, tomatoes, lettuce, beans, radishes, cucumbers etc. I enjoy fresh vegetables so much. I also want to start planning means thinking about ingredients prior to going to the grocery store. I used to enjoy cooking. I like to cook for others so if I can keep my house clean, then I can have company over. Gosh its been so long since that has even been a possibility. One step at a time. My neck is still hurting but practicing my stretches, swimming, and the Alexander technique is helping if I am still hurting by the end of the weekend I will go to a Chiropractor. I am beginning to pray now for strength to make it to church on Sunday.

Owen is on the pillow. He was bellowing at me outside tonight before I walked in the door. He is a riot. He actually has a bigger mouth than me. That is impressive.

Day three and clean!!!

Today I folded laundry and went to the gym. I feel so much better. Depression is such a strange thing. I didn't put two and two together. Its amazing that when one has enough serotonin! All this time I thought I was just upset and unable to get over Jason, no matter what I did. Now I realize that my depression had worsened to the point where I just couldn't even think straight. It was easy to assume it was Jason and the break up since I have such difficulty with men. Well it. makes me feel less like a psycho. I still miss him. I miss just having someone to hang with. He is funny and goofy and he loves Owen. Owen was meowing up a storm today, lots of mrow's today. Well its day three in a made bed. I am making progress. Yay for me.