truth about hobbies

The truth will set you free but it might make you miserable first. One of my favorite quotes. Its so true. Wow, hearing “I think getting a hobby is a great idea, it is one of the things that drove me nuts, I was your hobby.” One of those things that I had to take in, listen, he continued, “I say nothing b/c its always the wrong thing”. Sad, but it is true. I do not have a life outside of work. I don’t have a hobby. I have a disability that has limited my choices.( I am consciously trying to admit that now) I tried knitting and was mortified that I could not learn as quickly as my co-knitters, I volunteered at a music club, loved doing that, but I moved back to Gloucester, plus I went and had a beer in the middle of the show, that was a big no no, and well, really disappointed the manager. I feel like I do that all the time, find a way to screw something up, almost like I can’t tolerate something good. I like to bake, but have not done that in years. I think I stopped b/c of money. Had none. I liked biking, but I don’t have a bike, I went to go get it several months after I moved, and she had given it away. It was my fault for not taking it when I had the opportunity. I volunteered with teenagers, but now that is my work, too much work stuff. I need another sort of outlet. Again another money issue, riding is expensive. I stopped. I have ridden horses, but I can’t now b/c of my legs. It is one of the main reasons I have put my self through all of this stuff with Botox. I can work out, but I haven’t been able to because of pain in recent months. I did not move on because I was sick. I was in pain. I had to be patient with myself. I was not strong enough to do the grief work, until recently. I will swim now. I will sit in the Jacuzzi. I will be ok. I will learn to accept love health and healing. I will learn how to show more love, less criticism. I will learn.

prayer

I accept love health and healing. I accept that there are things I can not change. I accept I have cerebral palsy. I accept my muscles do not work as well as others. I accept I forget where my keys are. I accept I get scared and assume the worst. I accept its easier for me to hear negative comments than it is to hear positives. I accept I will not be with Jason in a long term relationship. I accept I make choices with men based on fear vs. faith. I accept that I have trust in others more than I have in myself. I accept that I believe bad things about my life and assume its all my fault. I accept there are things that happened to me that were not my fault. I accept that although I chose to go be with my brother for his college graduation that it was not my fault that he molested me. I accept that my family will not ever understand the damage they caused by not believing me. I accept I chose to pin my difficulties with men on that event. I accept I am angry with myself that I continue to struggle with this. I accept that forgiveness seems for everyone else but me. I accept that if God loves All mankind that includes me. I accept that I do not understand his love. I accept he mourns for all of those that suffer. I accept that there is a loving God. I accept there is healing for those who are broken. I accept that I need forgiveness. I accept that I allow my feelings to overwhelm me. I accept my feelings are not truth. My feelings just are. I accept love health and healing from God above. I pray that I might seek to understand vs. be understood that I would love vs. seek love. I would listen before I speak and I would accept the unconditional love of God.

Fear of the unknown.

"You will discover that the more love you can take in and hold on to, the less fearful you will become." Henri Nouwen. Good words to remember, reminds me of "perfect love casts out fear." Fear causes bodies to recoil, hearts to close and skin to wither. Letting go of Love is one of those things that is intangible yet the truest form of God on this earth. Unselfish love, lays down our will, our wants, our hopes and says your will be done. How many times have I prayed that prayer and hoped in the back of my mind....no Lord, MY will be done. Coming to grips with ones short comings, ones sins has a twofold reaction. It reminds me of how alike I am to even the most heinous of criminals. It also gives me an appreciation for how much God's love for us must make him ache for the ways in which this world has turned away from all the goodness of the Earth. We take our natural resources for granted, we disregard life when we might have to change our way of living to welcome and care for the millions of children who go hungry or are starved for our most precious gift to give....our love and care. Not to have children makes me sad. Not to have someone to give love and then it be received and reciprocated makes me ache. I long for peace and the humility that comes from knowing how much she is loved by the one who formed her and proclaimed her to be fearfully and wonderfully made. I pray for continued healing and the strength to be the person you created me to be. Not the person who lives and reacts through fear of the future.

Window shopping

Window shopping.... the insinuation is that one is just looking not buying....Sort of like going to the MFA. Lots of looking, no touching and definitely no BUYING. What makes something...Museum worthy? Not sure I will ever understand. There were some incredible blown glass creations, and beautifully intricate wooden furniture pieces that brought tears to my eyes. Beauty exists. Life continues. Jacob wrestled with God. Jennie....writes, reads, works some. I will get through this. I have no choice.

Connecting with Children.

It is one of the things I do well. I believe so strongly in them and in their strengths. I care so much. I want them to believe in themselves. I want them to accomplish all that their hearts desires. I receive so much joy from them. So much hope. I can't live without hope. I live with the hope that things can and will change. The belief that people are complex creatures but love is more powerful than any other weapon that might exist. To love unconditionally is something that did not happen to me before I met Jesus. I think he had always been there watching, loving, caring, and yet I was not looking or caring. I started out so happy. All I remember from younger days was love. My family loved me. People liked me. I was a likable person. and then there was school.

My mom's birthday

My mom is 75 today. Wow. The idea of my mother's mortality is something I can't even begin to fathom. She is the third sister of four. Peggie, Bettie, Jennie, and Emilie. Peggie died of lung cancer. She was a full ten years older than mom. Bettie came next. She has five children. She hosted Thanksgiving for all of us for years. So strange to walk into a southern home and listen to all those dialects. I loved her sons. They were funny, athletic, one of them was even deaf and I didn't know it b/c he could read lips so well. I think I was ten before I figured it out.
Emilie her youngest sister lives in Mississippi. Her house still isn't the same after Katrina. She has some sort of cancer too. Her son has down syndrome and her daughter and she are very close. All three of them do everything together. Rob is so high functioning. Its sad really, that he lived in Miss. not a lot of services for special ed. He has done well with what he has though.
I love my mom.

I have spent so much time angry at her for doing this to me.....allowing me to be born with a disability. Blame is an awful game. no healing ever takes place. I love her though. She has always been there for me even if she can't tolerate negative emotions.

Children

How many children to you have?

You must love children.

You are so good with children.

You give so much.

You would be a good teacher...Lizzy age 11

Its one of those things I will not understand. Why wasn't I open to having children. Why did I have such a closed book on men? Why couldn't I accept love from them? It has taken so long to be open. So having to accept no biological children seems tolerable now. I like my down time. I know how long and hard raising children can be. I don't want to do it alone as some have suggested. I am ok with that idea. I do like the idea of being with someone else's kids not as a mother persay but as a mentor etc. I was hopeful that Rebekah and I might meet and connect. Perhaps when Jason and I make the transition successfully to friends.

Walking

I went walking in Ravenswood park today. All these years and not once int any of those trails. I Walked today. I haven't been able to say that for ever. I am so thankful. What a beautiful day. It makes being here bearable.

Owen cares

Owen has taken to sleeping close to me as of late. Owen always sleeps with me but this means on the corner of the bed or on his favorite pillow. Now, though he is right near my head or more importantly, by my hand. The quickest way for him to get his favorite activity to petting.

I assume its because he knows my boyfriend and I have decided to no longer be together and this is his way of knowing I need extra affection. This is probably what is known as a projection but still he has been more attentive and its much appreciated.

Owen and Me

I always think that Owen can hear my thoughts and feelings. He sits now waiting for me, looking forlorn that my hands type instead of pet. Oh to live in the moment to be satisfied with that which is so simple. Wet food, water, a soft place to lay our head if only I could learn how to live in such a way. Joy would be mine.

Mrow.