Tangled up in Blue

Its been a while I have had something to Chronicle regarding my beloved Owen. He sleeps and as my friend “Denise says, “He eats like a horse.” He goes through one can during the day and another at night. These are all signs that maybe just maybe he will be the first cat ever to not die. At least he will be the cat that never dies in my heart.
My family made homage to my dear sweet feline, I now have a plaque that reads, “Only my cat understands me.” In this case I fear it might be true but I have worked hard to be more open with friends. With family I work to protect myself more, and am happier for it. My body continues to be a struggle between what I want to believe to be true and what is true…ugh. Owen continues to struggle with hobbling or as a friend recently mentioning…click click click click go the nails that I am too afraid to have clipped. He is just a little slower, a little older, a little louder, and a little closer to this loving heart of mine.
He is beyond happy about the new blue down comforter that spends more time tangled than spread over the bed. It works for him and it keeps me warm. Its just another comfort for the both of us after a long hard day of not getting to snuggle next to one another b/c one of us has to pay the proverbial bills.

Thanksgiving

Going around the room in a staff meeting was a no brainer when the inevitable question arises...What is everyone thankful this year?....usually the ugh....lets see there is the i can't walk, I'm in pain, i am heartbroken......no not this year....I got to say I am thankful for my Owen all 20 years worth of him. He will be 21 this year. Each day is just another gift and reminder to me that love exists.

I walk these days. I am stiff but as a friend said, you are not in pain and not crying all the time so life is pretty darn great. One of the weird things about botox is though it helped ease my gait, it made me aware of the utter strengthless body I have. Without the hyper tone. I can barely go up stairs. I thought all this time it was muscle and now I know its spacticity I never thought I would say I was thankful for spacticity, but there it is I am. I can climb stairs again. For months this has been more difficult than I care to mention.

So rather get all wound up about what I can not do, or all the things I do not have, I am thankful for my Owen, my friends, my family even though they will never know me the way I might hope for, my yard and right now my newly made warm and cozy bed. Focusing on what is good really does help life seem worth living and worth caring for people despite the risk that entails.

nails and tails.

Owen sleeps now after a long pat. I am continually looking at him, amazed he is still around. He eats more than ever almost two cans a day. There is no signs of inability to digest and he keeps his food down. I feel like its a miracle after all the difficulties he once had with his food. Perhaps just having the vets food, is all he really needed. For now any how. He has gotten used to our new configuration in the bedroom. Given that my bed takes up all the room anyhow, its not much of a change, but at least its different.

I got rid of all the wire hangers in the closet today. He just sat up and watched. One thing checked off the list. Making the bed I made sure to place the blankets in the order that causes him least stress. I hate the meow that accompanies the "I can't unclaw my nail, and its going to get pulled off!!!! meow." One of the worse of the repertoire. He has taken to the habit of trying to scoot out the front door and so today he not only got some time outside but was plenty frustrated, when I let him in some hours later. Yes, I did forget he was out there as a matter of fact. Oh did I get a scolding.

This is yet another attribute that i adore....he never ceases to surprise me with the sounds, the looks, the loyalty. He truly is a gift to remind me that love exists.

Today is the day

This week has been one of recouping. I finally feel like I can function of a reasonable way in all of the areas of my life. My garden is wonderful and continues to bring me joy. I planted marigolds today because I was told the smell of the flowers dissuades the bugs from getting on the tomatoes. We shall see. I got more perennials. Madelene helped me plant some daisy like plaints. that should spread on the rocks. I planted a few more that will not flower this year but next year. I have some more ground cover to plant but overall things are working out. Its lots of time and energy and I am more than happy to put that in to something that will bloom and grow. Something that will appreciate water and sun and care. Something that can be loved without rejection.

Owen is so soft right now. All of the old fur is gone. No nasty tufts anywhere. He has meewed lots today lot of half purring and satisfaction. We have something in common now.

relief

This weekend was one full of activity. I did not cry or bemoan my life. I worked in the garden, worked in my bedroom. I cooked and cleaned. I saw friends, I went out to lunch and out to a band with friends I haven't seen in a long time.

I was honest about my difficulties and received support. I still had some disappointment but overall, I was relieved. I was thankful that I had gone to graduation, glad I saw Evan, and my other Evan. I am aware that people like me at work and want to spend time with me. This is what it feels like to not be depressed all the time. It is what hope brings. Besides, I bought an electric lawn mower. AWESOME.

choosing to be thankful

Owen came outside with me today. He laid on the grass as I mulched, watered, weeded and sweat. He loves to just lay in the sun. I think its the most he has stayedout in quite some time. I continue to be surprised by my enjoyment of gardening, tending, watering and watching pretty things grow. I have to keep remembering that I have and will grow.

I am glad to just take a break from the whole dating thing and pressure. I am so thankful I can walk. I continue to be stubborn when it comes to stretching although, I really have no choice at this point. I get so afraid, I get paralysed. If I just ignore it I will hope it just goes away. It doesn't though. This is my lot, this is my problem. All of us have them some people can hide some people can't. I take everything to heart so much. I want to let go. I want to not worry so much. I want to believe that I am worth all the things I believe about the children with whom I work. I want to be a contented person. I want to walk with my head held high and my soul knowing I am everything the Lord has made me to be. I want to know of his love and his care and his understanding. I want to tread lightly and take life as it comes. I want to live in the knowledge that my life even if it ends tomorrow, has meant something to someone.

I mowed the lawn today. I don't think I can say I ever did that before. I couldn't start the thing but after I had someone help me I mowed. I have wanted to mow the lawn since I can't remember when. My dad would never let me. A mile stone this age of the middle that I reside. I figured that since I am 43 and I got owen when I was 23 then he turns 20 this year. Quite the milestone. I wish I had a camera so I could take time lapsed photography of my garden. I know I will end up back at the nursury again. there are more places to fill in. I want more color and I don't want it to look so semetrical but more natural. The flowers are settling the watering schedule seems to be a part of my routine. I even got a hanging plant inside. This has the potential to mean I will have plants on the inside soon enough. Wow. Things really can and do change.

Owen continues to look well. NO more nasty tufts. The warm weather means I can pull them out withsome ease. Yay. He is so soft normally and it was hard to have to cut so many out. I feared nicking him and fortunately that did not occur. I am less out of shape more willing to get into a weight lifting routine. less listless or depressed. The idea of spending time with those other than my two closest friends seems less abhorent. I just want to plan and do fun things with my friends. I can not even imagine going on anything close to a date. I don't feel like I have anything interesting to say besides.....I mowed the lawn! Somehow, I don't think that will go over well as first date chit chat.

I did find one of my best buddies from college. This makes me smile. He, Jerry and I had some great fun and he was on the beach evangelism trip in 1985 that changed my life. If only I had loved John Wilkinson I would have married him. He loved me so much. I still wonder if anyone will ever come close to loving me as much as he did when we were 2o years old. It must have been painful for him to watch me love another. I know how he feels. I still appreciated his care so much. I am not sure if I just was way to afraid or if he just wasn't someone with whom I would have been compatible. It is probably both of those. There are some not many that match us intellectually, emotionally, physically and spiritually. A friend said it well when he mentioned there is a difference in finding someone attractive and finding someone who might feed your soul. Yes there is and hopefully this is why I am single. Believing and acting as if I am not good enough, worthy enough, deserving enough of love isn't working for me and frankly, isn't from the God with whom I am continuing to learn how to love. Thank you for allowing me to survive despite the odds, please help me to know that I was not a fluke, a mistake or disabled but loved as only you can. AMEN.

Birthday girl or almost

Today I planted, weeded and watered. My yard is looking acceptable now. I have worked pretty hard the last few weeks and am really enjoying the whole process. Its quite a surprise I didn't expect to want to do this well. I keep thinking that this is what I need attention, watering and care. I just have to continue to work on doing it consistently for myself. I have learned how to garden, cooked, walked where I was afraid to walk, walked at all, stretched, stretched and some more stretching. I am hoping I can still get on a horse. I keep working but I am not sure I am doing all that I can or should be doing to keep myself healthy. Thank you for helping me to heal and helping me to no give up on finding love. Thank you for teaching me and loving me even when I have a hard time thinking there is anything worth loving. Thank you for walking, thank you for gardening, thank you for giving Owen another healthy season. Thank you for resolving one of the most difficult cases I have ever encountered. Thank you for Kevin, Molly, Lizzy and Katy. Thank you for Joey and Margaret. Thank you that my family cares and forgives. Thank you that I have a place to live, a car to drive and a job I enjoy. Thank you for helping me be better. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for animals that remind me of your unconditional love. Thank you for my life. AMEN.

lament

From another blogger:

Love is AN ACTION.
It’s a saying and statement that changed my life when I read it. I do not allow people to treat me unlovingly and then say “Sorry.” SORRY does not cut it. It is NOT OKAY for you to mistreat me and then say Sorry and think all will be will okay.
It will not be. One too many sorry’s and you’re destined for the sorry trash heap.

Its all well and good to read that and realize, I am the one that is in the trash heap, I said sorry over and over, I let my standards, my interests, and my previous life drop off and now I am rebuilding. I am figuring out how not to make the same mistakes again. I am almost 43 and trying to accept my middle age. I have no male friends, my girl friends are dealing with lots of stuff like me and we have little time for one another. I miss having fun with Jason, playing backgammon, eating sushi, but I don't miss the fights, the miscommunications, the desire to help when help was not desired, the shock and dismay of not getting our differences. I miss not feeling so alone and the physical affection that was always there. I hate there is nothing I can do to change the past, or the present. Please stop contacting me is the last word. OUCH.

today i had a walk without pain!!!! that is the first time in a while. I have to stretch and stretch. Owen broke my heart tonight. He feel off the bed, he couldn't stop crying....meowing until i found him....so we cried together. he waits for me to be ready to retire....God give me the strength to deal with what may come...

42 for six more days

I hope i can do this. I hope I can process and journal about why fulfilling and finding me feels and fears as if I am giving up on the possibility of being in a relationship. I have so enjoyed my gardening. I look at my yard with pride and gotten up early just to water. I have stretched and stretched just to not be in pain. I hate my body can not tolerate just getting out of bed but loving that I have the choice to walk for now. I love that i am training and accepted at work in a new way. I like that I am not afraid to confront when I need to let someone know how they make me feel regardless of their response. I am excited I have planned and booked my first vacation just for me in years....South WEST here I come. I can't believe I am old and childless but am not bitter and shriveled just questioning and hopeful that at some point I will come to understand something that still hurts. I am thankful for a loving group of friends and family despite their limitations. I LOVE my nephew and nieces and have so enjoyed riding the exciting wave of my nephew's recruiting frenzy....yeah he is a stud. Owen continues to amaze. He so enjoys the sun flowing into the bedroom while he stretches out to have the warmth touch each inch of his body. He is such a love. Please help me remember lord, how much you love me and help me to trust in your goodness and care. I am so glad I still love and care for those with whom feel unlovable.

Gardening and planting

This weekend I bought flowers and vegetables. I planted perennials weeded some and weeded some more. I cut down a dead bush, weeded and weeded. Once one begins this endeavor one realize how much work there is to do. I understand for the first time why gardening is addictive. The goal is beauty. The care and concern comes b/c these things are not just things they are living. They need things from the gardener. Did i mention weeding? The beauty of perennials is they will keep coming back. Next is my azalea and Rhodadendrons....I know they are small but they will grow and be beautiful. My favorite is still my hydrangea. its budding, its come back to life. And the best part is I got a flat garden hose at a yard sale and Wayne just told me they go for 30.00 yay for yard sales...I paid 3 for it!!!

yoda owen

Today I gave my first talk/presentation to the teachers with whom I work. I was glad to be in a place where I had earned their respect. I had not a lot to say but just enough for them to want to know more and to seek me out as a resource that could be of assistance to them. Amazing. Thank you for this opportunity.

I have decided that Owen is another representation of the feline Yoda. his ears fold in such away that it looks just like him. Partly it is the purring and the appreciation of the petting. Then there is the contentment and peace that he exudes after he has been fed or loved. This is the sort of contentment for which I strive. He is a love.

Doing the right thing even when I don't feel like it, feels good.

I had one of those days that makes me smile. I did things today and yesterday that made me feel like a good friend and a kind person. I need to have days like this more often.

I love Brendan, He is one of the best 8 year old boys ever made, but boy I did not want to baby sit last night. However it was Denise's birthday. I had no plans. I had no reason to say no except that I had weed whacked for the last hour, I was covered in freshly cut grass and I had to dye my hair. Like I said, I had no real reason to say no. Brendan and I watched the Sox game, we ate ice cream all was well with the world.

I love Trader Joe's. Even before I met Evan I loved Trader Joe's. Evan makes me laugh, he looks at me like I am pretty and he is adorable. So I wrote him a thank you note today for helping me through one of the roughest days of my recent past. I was exhausted, depleted and hungry, Did I mention, HUNGRY. Evan or should I say evin, as his name tag read made me laugh and the worst day, became an OK day. He walked me to my car, he hugged me, and he said he was dating someone, but I could honestly say, " That isn't why I wrote that card, or it is why I did not leave any way of contacting me, I did not want to have ulterior motives." He inquired, he cared enough to want to know why I was so upset that day, and he still looked at me like I was pretty, and he seemed sad that he was seeing some one else. I took a risk, and I am glad I did. Now, he knows he made a positive impact on this sad, person, even if it was just for today.

Catch and let go.

Watching a movie per my usual Saturday routine. I tried to weedwhack and made some headway then the rain was too much to fight. I love the smell of fresh cut grass. It was great being out there even going to building center was a rush. There is a part of me that comes alive when I am outside. It is a world I kept away from except for when I have been upset or sad. What I have come realize though is that it makes me happy. Walking or not, running or not. It has held this place of reminder that there are things outside that I can't do. I can't play tennis, I can't run marathons, I can't get the presidential award from Elementary school, I can't play football, I can't play baseball. I can't sail but I want to learn, I can't tell what a weed is compared to a wild flower but I will learn. I can't thread a weed whacking machine correctly as of yet but maybe tomorrow.

I have my mom's wedding dress in my closet, I haven't worn it but maybe I will even if it isn't my wedding day. It is a girl thing. I miss Jason, I miss my Mom and sometimes my dad. I miss Katrina, and Julie and Jesse and Manuel. I am freaked about being middle aged. I am scared about being in pain again. I have a life. I read a lot about what it means to be a happy fulfilled person. I like to help people, see them smile even if they are sad on the inside. I like to love the unlovable. I like to believe in the unbelievable. I like to expect miracles. I like that losing my wallet reminds me that I am a space shot and that God is still looking out for me. I have come to understand that when push comes to shove I will do for others before myself when I can and that does not make me a codependent idiot. I say the lords prayer every day. I hope that people learn about the God I have come to know, not the one that seeks to judge and to harm. I know that children deserve to feel safe and be fed. I know no one ever asks to be raped, beaten or killed.

I know that living my life means I have to act out my beliefs. If I choose to not act on my beliefs.....they are not then, therefore, my actual beliefs. I will seek to inspire, be inspired, and accept my life has been a culmination choices I made. There is no one to blame or hold responsible. If I am miserable with the cards I think I have been dealt then it is my fault for not getting different cards. Taking a risk is the only way I have to learn, grow and be who I think I should, can and will be.

Grateful today

This morning Owen was in his usual position in a round ball next to my head. he feels when i move and gives me a mmmrrrr and goes back to sleep. This last week I have moved my curtain so that the sun shines in from the top of window. I made this concession b/c he loves to lay in the sun. Before going to work I found him postured toward the window with his eyes closed. One of the best gifts in my life is his hugs and purrs. I am grateful for this concrete reminder that I am loved.

The children with whom I work care for me too. Its been one of those weeks where I can look and see the difference I have made. Its a rare occurrence so I am going to celebrate. One young girl who has had more familial abuse and a mother dying of cancer is about to be adopted by a loving family. A brilliant young boy , blew everyone away with his amazing test scores proving that he is not a behavior problem just incredibly bored. He received a special plan to increase his academic challenges and teach to his learning style. The entire team loves this kid and was on the same page as to how to help him. This is amazing. Thank you for another reminder of my strengths and my worth in the midst of struggle.

Someday

I can't decide if I have a life and just don't know it or if I just am so familiar with bemoaning my life or if I just expected to know what to do and I would all of a sudden have a life, a purpose a reason for living. I have been fine when it has come to my career. I seemed to know what I wanted what I was good at. I knew my strengths and knew my weaknesses. I thought I understood emotions, empathy, how to relate to others how to have real friendships. Now I look at those things and I wonder. I think my shyness really did inhibit my social development. More because I felt like I was not shy, people who made hurtful comments created a self-protected, brave young girl. This little girl did not come out of her shell until college. I think of all the social groups I became a part of so that could be friends and meet men. Christian men.

Dave Hornes Bible Study
Park Street church cafe...and then Crossroads
MeetChristians.com
Grace Chapel/ Basics
E Harmony
Match.com
Eight Minute Dating

I am sure I must be forgetting some along the way and I met no one with whom I connected for more than a few dates. I know I am not a perfect person. I know I have lots of flaws, but so do most people. I am attractive, I have a brain I do not expect someone to be gorgeous, rich, or without problems.

Its interesting that the two men I have had romantic relationships with did not believe in a God, a higher power, or considered the spiritual side of life particularly relevant. What does that say about me? Am I convinced that I have the power to change their mind? or it is that they verbalize and consider the doubts I used to/still have? Maybe its a little of both. Both of these men truly cared for me as a person but could not commit to me long term. Why did they not fall in love with me? Why do I chose men that do not fall in love with me the way I fall for them? These are things worth considering. I try to think about why this last break up feels so terrible as opposed to the one before. One thing was I said no contact and said that if I called him to tell him something to no call back. I set the rules....J set the rules for us after I could not handle the friendship thing. This exposed me in a way that was so embarrassing, humiliating, weak of me that he had to do what I knew and could not give myself all along. It also comes down to the real friendship I had with this man. It is a much deeper sense of loss than I have experienced previously. My first relationship really surrounded physical intimacy while this one was so much more of a friendship. Maybe part of that was his lack of romantic love for me. I think I owe him so much for showing me the unimportance of sex versus relationship. Sex is part of it but not the largest portion. The humiliation of the way things finally ended will be a wound not easily healed.

I was 39 without any romantic relationship experience. I had abstained for so long I had idealized the sexual part of the relationship because it was the one thing I had not experienced and FEAR of never having it propelled me into my first relationship which was not committed or in the long run healthy. With J. I learned some valuable lessons. Hopefully I will have an opportunity to benefit from what I think I might have learned with someone else.

I am not sure all of this effort to meet men has been a worthwhile endeavor. Perhaps I should have spent more time trying to improve the quality of my life. The thing is I had a good job I had friends, I did not have romantic attachment. So that is what I thought would make me happier. I wonder what my life would have looked like if I had chosen to take anti-depressants ten years prior. Would this have made me a more comfortable, able to tolerate the awkwardness I feel around men? Is this what created such a late bloomer. I had to spend so much energy just trying to feel OK. I did not have too much more energy to help me in other areas of my life.

I want to put more energy into me, what makes me more content, maybe I will be alone and end up with cats, dogs, etc. I guess it could be worse. I could not have a job I enjoy not have a house that is my own, not have an incredible companion names Owen baby, not have people that care if I live or die, not be able to walk, be blind, or completely alone with no one. Even though I feel like I am alone, I have lots of people that care, I have no one to go to bed at night and wake up in the morning, I have no one to call and say goodnight, I have no one to help me change the light bulbs, or no one to get a pizza and watch a movie. I know I idealize the romantic relationship, I know I have watched way too many schmaltzy movies, and believed all those fairy tales as the gospel truth. I know I am wrong about many things but I do know I have the capacity to give my heart to someone and receive love from someone someday.

The reasons I put up with all this Grieving sh@t

Grief is one of those things that can and will be worked out. I have been reading the grief recovery handbook and will begin the exercises soon. This sucks...BUT, What I appreciate so far is the premise that grief is real and has to be identified as such. It also confirms what I had also come to understand that when I have experienced a loss every time I experiencing another one I react and mourn as if all of my losses are fresh and in front of me. How validating to read it in a book from two people that are not in the psychological field but both sufferers of loss. They were so aware of the lack of help or understanding of loss they made it their lives work to help others who were grieving. They offer hope. Myths that don't help just make us feel worse. Here is one that has make me feel awful....Time heals.....Not if you don't do anything to heal.....I always hated this b/c I never seemed to heal with just time and felt I must be emotionally and physcially defective. GREAT.

Sunday I went through a whole roll of toilet paper and the water works felt like they would never stop crying. I hope feeling my feelings means i am healing. Its exhausting to cry like that. I did face some of my fears yesterday and walked the town in which he lives. I have not been able to do that for several months for fear of running into him. I cant live in fear. I was thinking about the myth of safety.

I have spent so much time trying to play it safe to avoid getting hurt but what that has done is just give me little practice in the life of the heart. I felt most at home in the unrequited relationship reinforcing all those ideas that someone could not possibly love me. I chose over and over to not look at the red flags the obvious messages that told me that there was no mutuality in the feelings I had for these men. Safe, unfulfilling and reinforcing my low opinion of myself. I so created this situation. Things sometimes just happen like falling for someone. But I chose/or I could not move on, heal, work though whatever it was. I did not learn how to do it differently.... Lots of therapy and all my therapist at the time did was minimize how I felt and not understand why I didn't just move on. I really had no idea how. That was one of the reasons I was in therapy!!!!! HELLO.

It is funny insight does not bring happiness, it makes me more sad. I know what I did wrong, I know how I contributed to how I got to be almost forty three and single with one real relationship with a man in her history. I will continue in this path of insight b/c I want to be in a fulfilling mutually satisfying loving relationship. I don't think a relationship can and will make me happy. I am a depressed person naturally, but I come alive when I care deeply for someone. I like being with people and knowing I am cared for is the best confidence builder there is. I fear I will be alone for the rest of my life. If I give into that fearI will build walls around my heart to become a safe isolated place. I will be miserable and a coward increasing my insecurity. One of the only things that has helped me is taking risks and creating challenges. Confronting my fear is tiring and I get sick of it, however, It is great to know I didn't cave. Grieving, sh@t is the worst b/c it feels like I have completely given in to all my fears and given up. All my reasonable thinking skills just leave and that needy, abandonment issue girl takes over. This is why I am taking this grieving thing so seriously. I don't want that abandonment girl to rule any more of my future tries at love. She has created enough humiliation and it has to be stopped.

gardening and growing

Ok so gardening is super therapeutic I must admit. It is sort of addicting too. Weeding feels really good. Tilling the soil for the upcoming vegetable garden. Its exciting actually. It made me glad that sometimes we just have to keep moving. I went to a party tonight with some friends and had fun. This a a great start.

The curiosity that killed that cat got me tonight and I checked his blog for the first time in over two months. I can berate myself or just rejoice that I got a chance to see a picture of his daughter in Rockport. YAY!!!!!! I am glad I looked. I am so happy for him. I thought about emailing him or something but this is the only place I put anything about him. It is my only safe place. My friends are all set with Jason talk. My family well they were never in the loop. Owen well he knows it all and still loves us both as it should be.

It is funny that things seem so simple when they are not happening to you. I would have never thought I would not be able to understand and act on the simple request of no contact. Its another thing that will remind me that sometimes other factors take over. Like the "I am not worth anyone's time or energy" factor. That has been one of my most cherished ones. I still remember the time I had sex when I didn't like what was happening and I was crying on the inside and yet I never said stop, or don't or I do not like that. I would have never believed I would have ever done that either.

I hope I have learned these lessons. I am tired of being humiliated and yet it still seems so normal. I look forward to the day when its so out of the question that it smells wretched and to resist it will be simpler. One day at a time. one weed at a time. Focus on what I can change, Focus on what I can do today, let go of what mistakes I made yesterday and enjoy each day. Nothing is guaranteed. No one can complete us. We must complete ourselves one step at a time.

I am glad that I still have my fantabulous cat, spring is here, I am painless, and grateful. Good things are happening we all deserve good things and good people to support us. Life is too hard otherwise. Amen.

“If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis.”

“If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis.”

This is what I needed today. It is so easy for me to sit around like today, a beautiful day and do absolutely nothing. Well the thing is if nothing changes then nothing changes. I can't expect the quality of my life to improve if I do nothing to improve it. I love sitting and petting Owen. There is more to life than just this. Fear has to stop influencing me. It doesn't help me. It does nothing for me except keeping me where I do not what to be. I have no one to blame, I have no one with whom I can depend. I have me and my resources. I have God who has given me things that I can chose to use or I can chose to let them rot.

The inertia I experience is immense. Ironic really. If I had been this sort of person previously I would have not had half the amount of disagreements as I ended up having with my ex. Lets explore the paranoia for a moment, "ah look there is that woman, LOok she is alone. Wow she must be such a loser. Oh and look at her limp, that poor dear. She must have such a hard life. " Are any of those thoughts the least bit helpful? Oh yeah they help me keep doing nothing so nothing changes. yeah, that is the ticket.
“If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphillis.”

Penquins

"I like the way you walk, you want to know why?"
"Why?"
"Because my favorite animal is a penguin."

This was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me.
She is an awesome kid.

On my way to a website?

Another quiet day. It is always a challenge to go back to work after a several day break. So while reading some of my favorite women blogs I learned about this website? not even sure how to describe it but I put in my interests and it takes me to websites that I might like....how much fun is that!

This is one of the gems I found tonight:


"Seven Blunders of the World"
1. Wealth without work
2. Pleasure without conscience
3. Knowledge without character
4. Commerce without morality
5. Science without humanity
6. Worship without sacrifice
7. Politics without principle
—Mahatma Gandhi

My hydrangea needs tlc

Great day gardening trying to resurrect a hydrangea bush. Like it or not I have to garden now if I want a decent looking yard. besides tearing up both of my fore arms it felt good to be outside and using my hands. Owen basked in the sun as I weeded and cut back the bush. I hope it blooms Hydrangeas are just the best. Owen is calling. Its time for bed. He wants to be next to me and I am typing... I know this is totally unacceptable. I love the constant care and concern although I do get tired sometimes of all the yelling!!!

Its been over two months of no contact and I am proud of myself. No blog reading nothing. I want to know whats going on with him or how he is, but that is about it. I hope we can and will be in touch at some point but I know I don't want to take any steps backwards. I have to focus on me and what I am doing to create these problems. It has little to do with him. Besides my physical difficulties I held on for no good reasons.

I want to deserve a man who wants to love me support me in my faith. I want to be the type of person that is attractive to that sort of man.

26.2

Watching thousands of people running for the goal of finishing a 26.2 mile race is painful. There is joy, there is screaming, clapping smiling but in the end pain pure and simple. The joy is in taking ones body to the brink of disaster and survive. Or so I suppose. Margaret has always been able to accomplish things I could only dream. I don't want to run those kinds of miles but knowing I can't still stings.

When I met her, she was delirious. She had a terrible run. She was ill. I took her to the medical tent for attention. The first time in my life I could walk faster than Margaret. No one is allowed in the tent except the runners. So I just sat outside crying. Crying for her because it is awful to see someone you love in pain.

She came out with her friend and we went back to Brookline. They went to bed. I went to Anna's for a Burrito extraordinaire and all is well with the world once again. I love you, Margaret. I even love that you are my sister. Congratulations.

Marg and me.

Its been a beautiful week outside. It finally feels spring like. I fear even typing those words. I am sure that means it will be cold soon enough. I took my first walk on the beach back and forth got my heart rate up and boy, I am out of shape. My sister ran about 3.6 miles. Ok so I clocked it. We cleaned out my storage space and I can actually access my stuff that I haven't been able to in the last few years. She even changed a light bulb for me. All the things I don't have the muscles or the height for. She wants for me to get rid of the green chair to increase the space in the room. I am fine with getting rid of it I want to to be able to give it to someone. Its a great chair. She is right though, I don't have room for it. It does make me feel much better to have more things in order. Its the simple things after all.

Nice to have Margaret around just to hang out and catch up. Usually its the whole family and its too busy to just sit and talk. It is good to be back in the land of the living. She really has no idea what it is like to be depressed and doesn't agree with me taking medicine but what is important to me is that I feel better and now I can do things because I am not so tired all the time. She hasn't learned that she isn't my Mom she is my sister. yay for Jennie.

Owen enjoyed having another person around. Margaret isn't used to all the verbage Owen has to offer but she understands how affection is such a large part of his life. I am hoping for some cooler weather for the 26.2 trek on Monday. That is a lot o miles. I can't even imagine. I will be there with bells on.

YOU are a BAD mommy

I haven't heard the I can't believe you just did that!!!!!! Meow in a while but oh boy, did I get a serious chewing out when he decided to not get out of the way of the mop. He has taken to sleeping on my pillow, I means he sleeps on the pillow I sleep beside it. I don't mind. In the morning he jockeys his position on the bed so as to catch the most sun light on the majority of his body. Oh to be a cat!

Ouch, thats smarts

Sunday morning, listening to a sermon, creating more pandora channels., stretching. I was doing well. Two hours in the "Abductor torture pose so I can get on a horse sooner than later. I did some weights today I sat on the ball last night, I need to work harder, but I am working on it. I was thinking about blogging how damn it. I am going to beat this spastic tendancy that my muscles have. I am stronger than the spacticity, Cerebral Palsy does not define me or my body, and then just as I was getting ready to remove myself from the torturous position and BANG, ZAP, POW, (ok so I stole from Batman) The spasm hit like no other. Spasm one, Jennie zero. This is what makes me want to never stretch ever again. I have to remember the mantra I will not break, I will not break, I might now break but feeling like a taut rubber band most of the time just isn't fun.

I know, I know it could be worse. I walk, I ride a bike, I work, I can go anywhere, accessible or not. It is one of my greatest thorns in my side that hurts more than I would like to admit. I am thankful for many things, this physical difficulty though, It is hard to lay this one down at your feet. It is right up there with singleness, I always assumed I could handle it if only I had a man to love me. I have neither and am more aware of that being my doing and not yours. I think there is truth to Love your neighbor as your self. The part that has come the hardest is the Love yourself part. I sit and listen to all the critical nonsense that goes through my brain minute by minute and then I know from whence this poor self respect comes. Most of that crap inside is hurt, imbedded deep with in the skin. I have been cleaning it out inch by inch. This too takes conscience effort. I am not defective. I have tight muscles that fight me. I am attractive to some. I am intelligent and caring. I love God and I deserve a man who loves and appreciates me. In the mean time, I have to clean.

simple pleasures

I finally made it through the fifth level. Not sure how, maybe it was the Def Comedy Jam I was listening to while I tried to get past 5-4. 5-5 and 5-6 were simple. Well a good accomplishment. Another wonderful cuddling session with my main man, cat really. It is one of the best feelings to just pet and hear the purr, the meow the happiness radiating for such a simple act of affection.

Today was one of those days that was full each and every minute. I think I wasn't at my desk more than a minute without the phone ringing, the walkie calling for me or paperwork waiting to be accomplished. These days go quickly, but they make my mind race with all the things I did and all the things that need to be done.

My shinning moment today was reconnecting with a quiet young girl who is terrified of having someone know her. Its been a long trek with this one and today, there was a connection....this is what makes my work rewarding, laying the ground work for relationship, healing, insight.

Not sure what this weekend will hold but I have lots to accomplish either with my house, my next steps, my summer possibilities, my vacation plans, and for once I can say I will not be trying to beat Level 5-4 of Luxor.....its the simple things in life.

technological wonder

I actually googled how to turn off my "maintenance necessary" light and successfully got it to turn off....Miraculous!!!!!

Meow, and Manuel

Man U El. He is one of my former students. He is Indiana trying to find himself through studying scientology. I don't really understand it but all I care about is that it helps him. He sounded so different on the phone tonight. He had excitement and happiness in his voice for the first time that he arrived in the states from Argentina.

The change is due to his acceptance and plan to go to school and study the arts, photography, design etc. I am so excited for him. I want him to feel connected to something and for him to discover who he is, what sort of legacy he will leave, and to think that his life has been worth living.

When I hear from my former students, its like a reminder from the Lord, that my life has not been for nothing, and that I have done well by those kids, I loved and believed in them. I just thought that if I continued to do this that someday, someone would come along that would love and believe in me. I am not sure why I haven't allowed this/or why it hasn't happened, but in the mean time I am going to Love God, Love myself, in spite of all of my short comings, and pray for those with whom I care. For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, are plans so that you might have a future and a hope.......let it be so.

Wed Nes DAY

You're not a victim. You're a volunteer. I love this from Susan and her blog that has helped me beyond measure. It is so easy to have a pity party about this that or the other thing but the fact is we have one life to live and it doesn't matter what has happened to us. What matters is that we work it out and not allow oneself to play the victim. Awful things happen to great people. Compassion and understanding does not equal pity.

I went swimming tonight and was reminded that my body is only going to improve if I make a commitment to it and don't give up. I noticed some wrinkles today and some differences in my body I had not noticed. Aging is happening. I just have to accept it and be the best person and have the best body humanly possible.

Work continues to be fruitful. I have been enjoying the children since I have begun to experience joy yet again. I am so thankful for those beautiful children.

All the things I wish I could....

Reow, reow, reow, that is the sounds I heard tonight as I walked in the door. I so look forward to his high verbal welcome. He eats, settles in next to me after fighting with me on and off the keyboard. Its familiar, but comforting. I am completely addicted to Luxor. I can't beat this level for the life of me. I am thankful for something to do.


Well at least, we, Owen and I, have this blog to write all of our thoughts and feelings. I am surprised how helpful writing has become when I can't think of anything else to do. One of these days I can look back and be thankful that all of these ramblings don't hurt any more. Its also a way for me to chronicle Owen's life so he becomes immortal. He has helped me more over the years than all those therapy sessions. AFFECTION, MEOWING, and LOVE = OWEN, BABY.

monday monday

Good start to the week today. I got to the gym which means it will be that much easier to get there tomorrow. My energy continues to come back to me. Owen is trying desperately to type, unsuccessfully, I might add. I have to plan stuff for the coming weekend before I get too tired and decide to just chill. My sister will be here in a matter of days. Prepare, prepare, prepare.

Coupons coupons and coupons

I just went to CVS and saved $17.00 from things on sale and coupons!!!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE to save money on things I need anyway. There is no reason to pay full price for anything at any time!!!!! Yahoo!!!

a prayer for hope, health and healing

I practiced a meditation last night, asking for hope, health and healing. I meditated on my problem with feeling unworthy of love. I meditated on being worthy. I cried and cried. I asked for healing in all the places that I hold onto trauma memories. I asked for hope, health and healing from the Lord above, the God of love, the God that knew me in my mothers womb, the God that has shown himself to me, time and time again.

Am I being punished for loving an atheist? No, not at all. Am I punishing myself for not being able to have an atheist fall in love with me? That is more like it. There must me something inherently wrong with me if I can't be more attractive to someone who has become convinced that God is a terrible thing to have in ones life. Religion is a detriment to someones point of view. Well that is certainly a lot of power for someone like me to have. I am just not that important. I have no more an incredible person to influence an atheist, that has credible evidence as to why not to believe than I do to convince a child that she should not love her biological mother who sexually abused her over and over again. All I can do is live my life as best I know how and pray, pray for guidance and care to not hurt but be an instrument of healing.

I know this, I know this in my head, but my heart still aches. My heart misses this man who did not love me as I loved him. This man who told me over and over that he did not love me. This man who reminded me over and over that his care could not heal me. This man could not comfort my deepest needs. This man who often said, you must find these things within yourself. I bristled against this for God was supposed to do this for me. But God has been trying to instill these things within me over and over. I resisted these installations in favor of doing what I thought would gain me favor with a man with whom I was enamored.

The problem over and over became that my vessel was not steady, not firm in knowledge of my worth. I am made in Gods image and fearfully and wonderfully made. I, have fought against this body of mine, so much so that I did not even know what Cerebral palsy actually was. If I ignored it maybe it would go away. If I ignored Jason, maybe his concerns would disappear. He wants space but not really. He doesn't really mean, space he just misses me and is afraid of missing me. That is just one possibility of a ridiculous rationalization of poor behavior. I am not without blame. He is not without fault either. His goal was always honesty, but there was also desiring to have what he desired. A friend. I never wanted a friend. I did not have enough self respect to ask for no contact. I could not tolerate the pain. He could not comfort the pain. He was causing it. I chose to ignore. I chose to assume it was something faulty within myself. If only I was like this or that he would have loved me.

I don't want to have so much power any more. Its too much to carry around. I have never cared or had someone known me as well. That is the source of the grief. I attached fully. If I could do it with Jason, I can do it with someone else who loves me who also loves the God that has created and loved me. I have this in my head but not in my heart. I want to hold on to the pain, I want to blame myself for some inherent problem I must have to have caused this chasm. This is the magical thinking of a young girl that thinks that she can stop her father from drinking or she can keep herself from harm when someone decides to sexually molest her. These beliefs just hurt me and reiterate my failings. I don't have the power from stopping someone from drinking, molesting, or believing in the existence of a God with whom I love.

One thing that is true though, is that this drinker, molester, or atheist are all men that I have loved with my whole heart. People cause pain because love is imperfect, people are fallible. I can and will love others that will seek to heal, give me hope and help me be healthy. I will still love those with whom don't love me, but I don't have to assume its because there is something damaged about me. I will love and have compassion because I have been there in the pit of despair and I have chosen to not live there. I chose to have hope, health and healing. Amen.

A new recipe

Artichokes and Pasta

I actually followed a recipe today and made a killer pasta dish. White wine sauteed with garlic, diced tomatoes, marinated artichokes and bow tie pasta. I am so proud and it reminded me that I can when looking at a recipe, cook. The more I find healthy, simple recipes the more I will cook. I was pleasantly surprised with myself. The more I plan to do something, the more I will follow through. One step in front of the other is all I need to remember. I am given enough grace for today, I can ask for more tomorrow. Hope will produce greater success and confidence. I will become confident in my personal life just like in my professional life. I will have something to offer and be desired.

da baby owen

I am just sitting here on the computer, checking my email and Owen tries and tries to lick my fingers as I type. yuck. I love this cat beyond measure, but the licking of the fingers....not so much. So he settles crunched up next to the back of the couch and the keyboard. He sleeps. When he is all curled up I love to watch and pet him. Then he rings a sort of brill but its mmmmrrro and then he looks at me and returns to the slumber. ahhh. such a life.

hes's da baby. these are the times i wish Jason and his camera were around or just the mutual admiration we have for this animal is missed. I wonder if I will ever be able to look at him again after my humiliating behavior. I don't see it at this point. It is all so sad really but that is what a break up is. its a BREAK. I can't fix it I just have to wait and let it heal. I am proud that it has been over a month since I have chosen to be humiliated. All I have to do if I think about contacting him is look at his last email and that puts be back into reality. I wish him well. I pray for him often. I hope I can gain enough strength to make it to church tomorrow.

In honor of...

This is the time of year I used to teach the civil rights movement. Ruby Bridges, Rosa Parks, Edward Till, these are my heroes ordinary people placed in extraordinary circumstances and their lives changed the face of a nation....As we consider 5 years in a worthless war consider the words of MLK 40 years prior.....some things have changed some has endured.

"There is at the outset a very obvious and almost facile connection between the war in Vietnam and the struggle I, and others, have been waging in America. A few years ago there was a shining moment in that struggle. It seemed as if there was a real promise of hope for the poor—both black and white—through the poverty program. There were experiments, hopes, new beginnings.
Then came the buildup in Vietnam and I watched the program broken and eviscerated as if it were some idle political plaything of a society gone mad on war, and I knew that America would never invest the necessary funds or energies in rehabilitation of its poor so long as adventures like Vietnam continued to draw men and skills and money like some demonic destructive suction tube. So I was increasingly compelled to see the war as an enemy of the poor and to attack it as such."

Martin Luther King Jr., April 4, 1967, Riverside Church

whew....its Friday.

Owen is sitting here by the computer. He gets so territorial if I am not paying attention to him. Some might be annoyed by his constant need for affection but not me. It is comforting that someone or something cares for me and wants to be with me no matter what. I can not imagine how much more I might have been made bitter without the love and affection of my pets over the years. It makes me happy.

Today at work my supervisor told me that she was asked to present at the state house on Tuesday at the EEC Board meeting. EEC is the governing body of Early Education and Care. This is the source of my grant. They would not be asking my supervisor to sell the program if I was not doing well at my job. This was a great surprise. I haven't felt like much of anything lately. I have worked without fail but my heart has been dragging. I had no idea how I was doing or have been doing. I do know, however, how fortunate I am to have such an excellent position. The staff finally looks at me as a help vs. a hindrance. In addition I will be giving some trainings to the staff in the next few weeks. Presentations are not my forte but they are an honor to create. All in all a great week. I am so thankful to have energy and hope once again.

slow and steady wins the race

I can't believe I still have a clean place. I am hoping this begins new habits for me. I like walking into my house now. I am less embarrassed, stressed and am looking to do some home improvements. I usually go on vacation this time of the year, but going to visit my folks isn't relaxing. I need to relax somewhere and preferably somewhere warm. I get sick of winter by the end of march even though I know better than to believe New England has a spring. Its a myth that is passed on from generation to generation.

I think I will plant veggies this year, tomatoes, lettuce, beans, radishes, cucumbers etc. I enjoy fresh vegetables so much. I also want to start planning means thinking about ingredients prior to going to the grocery store. I used to enjoy cooking. I like to cook for others so if I can keep my house clean, then I can have company over. Gosh its been so long since that has even been a possibility. One step at a time. My neck is still hurting but practicing my stretches, swimming, and the Alexander technique is helping if I am still hurting by the end of the weekend I will go to a Chiropractor. I am beginning to pray now for strength to make it to church on Sunday.

Owen is on the pillow. He was bellowing at me outside tonight before I walked in the door. He is a riot. He actually has a bigger mouth than me. That is impressive.

Day three and clean!!!

Today I folded laundry and went to the gym. I feel so much better. Depression is such a strange thing. I didn't put two and two together. Its amazing that when one has enough serotonin! All this time I thought I was just upset and unable to get over Jason, no matter what I did. Now I realize that my depression had worsened to the point where I just couldn't even think straight. It was easy to assume it was Jason and the break up since I have such difficulty with men. Well it. makes me feel less like a psycho. I still miss him. I miss just having someone to hang with. He is funny and goofy and he loves Owen. Owen was meowing up a storm today, lots of mrow's today. Well its day three in a made bed. I am making progress. Yay for me.

clean day number two

I can't remember the last time I could say I came home to a made bed! I did my dishes and put away all the food tonight. The sink is clear this is the second day of clean. I think the new medication cocktail is working. I am not sleeping non stop, am able to get some things done and I don't want to rip everyone to shreds. I actually want to call some of my friends to see them. Maybe I will even join the group of coworkers who do karaoke at Cameron's. Its something to aspire to anyway. Next stop the pool. I am aching everywhere. My body is either just readjusting to to my new lift height or am just incredibly sore. I am so scared I have lost some range of motion, but there isn't anything I can do about it now. This last bout of depression was tough. The most insidious thing about depression is that it could masquerade as just being tired or overwhelmed. It was hard to discern what it was given all of the things it could possibly be. Bottom line is I finally feel like a person again. Owen isn't quite sure what to do. He has a clear path to me on my bed. I just need to keep it going. It feels good.

another quiet day.

Owen and I had a nice quiet one today. I so enjoy all the different meows and looks and cuddles we have. I have been doing so much grieving that in a way it makes me realize I will be ok when its his time to go. Awful as it might be, I will survive. There are so many days when I just don't want to go on. What is the point? I think to myself. I have worked my whole life to help others and I can't seem to tolerate the idea of someone actually liking me. I am so tired of it really. So sick of being so scared. What is the worst that could happen is that someone could not like me. Yeah well it was too much to even bear that thought for such a long time. I can bare it now, I think. I just don't want to. It is just so much emotional energy this being in love thing. I had no idea any of this would be so elusive to me. I feel like I have the social skills of a frog. I seem to not be comfortable in any group of people for longer than a few years at a time. I have a hard time keeping in touch with people because I get so f...ing depressed. I am less tired now but more aware of all of this wasted time and energy that I spend doing nothing. I work or I do nothing. I feel like a big old hypocrite, so willing to think of reasons how others can improve their lives but too tired to take any of my own advice. I don't want to live as a passenger any more. If I have a terrible life I have no one to blame but myself.

seasons change but

"Life for so many of us, seems a life of constant change. Yet there is more stability than we sometimes see. A commitment to living in faith moment by moment in the reality of the God who is there, and who does not change. So there is change but there is also continuity. The signs of seasonal change can become familiar and a comfort as we remember that after winter, in God’s grace, spring does come again. " Dick Keyes

let it be so.

Easter on the farm

Easter on the farm. This time it was with Evan and Courtney. Courtney was the lastest but not girlfriend, sleeping with but not....yeah been there. Whenever Evan and I are together at the family home it feels like no one else is around. We find one another even when I try to hide he comes to find me. Not hard in such a small space. He always says I bring out the worst in him, he brings out the realization that despite a strong connection there are 20 years almost between us and it never feels like it. I have been so proud of myself walking around saying and not being ashamed of being 42. I am finally comfortable with that number and feel mature. I am not spending all my time with young people and not spending time with others my own age. Now I am not spending time with anyone but I am not wishing I was younger or another age. Except that is when I am with Evan and I notice his weakness is petite curly haired girls.

Then Courtney mentions going to RHS and graduating last year, yeah she graduated with Nick is friends with Maddie and Sam. So much for wishing I was younger reality sets in again and Evan as only Evan can do shows me his conceit and poor form. Whenever he jokes about his irresponsible drinking and driving I want to scream, YOU PRICK, you are going to kill someones kid someday. I have been down that road with him, he knows how I feel about that. He says these things to provoke me on purpose. If we can't banter then there isn't many other choices. Despite all of that we truly enjoy one another, I am not sure what I do for him, perhaps I help him tolerate family meals that are often uncomfortable for him. He finds it very difficult to be nice to me for any length of time.....as he says meanness is a sign of affection. Well I have been there done that. I am looking for other sorts of affection these days.

Here comes the sun...

When I was little I loved the Beatles. I always thought I had been born at the wrong era. I woke up with the sun in my eyes, Owen meowing and this song in my head. I wanted to get to Easter service and I still have difficulty getting out of bed and thinking about the red house across the street. I will get better. I will let that part go and stop using it as an excuse as to why I do not worship at St. Mary's.
I want this to be a day of Resurrection It been a year. Its time to make new memories I no longer have to think about this time last year we were doing this or that or God why can't he get up? It me now that can't seem to face the days. I am hoping the increased dose of medicine, the sun and continued focus on the here and now will help me. Please God help me know you exist, that my life has meaning, that I am worthy of someones love, that I have the energy to exercise like I need to and that I learn how to be OK with my life. I pray I can stop judging, criticizing everything I do that I can accept the job I do not the job I want to do. Help me believe that it will be alright....
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun And I say it's all right
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun.
And I say it's all right.
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces.
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
It's all right, it's all right

Obama

I love Obama. I just listened to his speech on NPR and was so impressed with his points regarding the reality of racism and the race stalemate we are all in. Its easy to get into the blame game that we all get into trying to find a reason for why things are not as we had hoped. 'white privilege is something people are so resistant. The reality is though that not many people describe me as the white girl with brown curly hair, Anyone of any other race do not have that luxury therefore, it is a privilege and the definition of racism involved those who have a position of power.....Hello!!!! That would be the whites. I am not talking each person or their individual circumstances.....I'm talking about the entire race as compared to other races.


Obama rocks my world.
Jennie

Mac is my hero and my cobbler

Mac is the man who has fixed my shoes for the past 15 years or so. Well In my case its a big deal since a surgery has left my left leg significantly shorted by about 3/4th of an inch. My doctor and physical therapist have suggested that I change my lift to give my legs more stability and better evenness. Ok, so already he is my hero for helping me with my shoes. I look forward to our chats when I enter the door. I secretly hope no one is in there to look forward to another one of his stories of his 82 year old life. He is one of five brothers. The youngest of five who served in WWII. His brother was in a Fighter/bomber pilot with three successful tours. The third tour was quite rough. Mac was in the navy but never had to be in combat. His labour of love was a WWII memorial in Hamilton, MA for all the men and women who served and lived in Hamilton. It took 5 years but its completed and its beautiful. On the other side there will be Vietnam and Korean war veterans. I sat and listened as he went through each name on the memorial list most of them no longer living. He stopped and tell me stories about some of his friends. One family had 5 children go to war and she was a widow. Fortunately 4 of the 5 came home.

The other proud accomplishment that I learned about today was the pool that he and some of his friends built for the children of Hamilton. All of the children receive swimming lessons. "If I have save one life then it was worth it." I am sure he has saved more than one life. I listen some more. His first wife was ill the last few years of her life of anorexia. His second wife is feisty he says and smiles. September is Mac's 82nd birthday. He has touched my life and is on a short list of people who have helped me manage this thing called Cerebral Palsy.

I left smiling. I began thinking about Mac the fire chief for 40 years. His entire life has been about service, working hard and giving back to those in need. I get the feeling he isn't even aware of most of what he has done. I miss his beautiful dog, She was a joy to pet as I walked into the shop. I make sure to not bring her up since the last time I made that mistake he was visibly choked up. This is how it will be for me when Owen goes. This is how it will be when Mac leaves this earth to party with his family and friends.

Another day another dime

I made it through another week. I even made it to Blockbuster for some movies. I still have a long way to go but each day focusing on the mundane does help. I caught up all of my notes today. It helped me to leave work without extra stress. I made plans with friends. I am picking up my shoes from the cobbler tomorrow, going to Trader Joe's I am officially out of hibernation mode even though I don't necessarily feel like it. The sun is out longer, the spring is coming. I spent too much time unable to move. It is time to move.

Owen and I had a serious cuddle session. I have been wearing clothes that are super soft. I am trying to use lotion and enjoy how it feels on my skin. All of these are efforts to meet the needs I have for physical affection. One of my big concerns is that I will not make good choices regarding men for no other reason but b/c I am craving the physical need for touch. I have no desire to set myself up for yet another heart ache. I do miss the just sleeping part most. Having someone in bed someone to hold. This is one of the things I will take with me. One of the things for which I am most thankful. Hopefully the next person will have several things for which I am thankful. I will be with someone with whom I can understand and who can understand me. Help me to not fall for the next attractive man but the right attractive man for me.

The meaning of grief....

Something for me to ponder.....

Grief can have a quality of profound healing because we are forced to a depth of feeling that is usually below the threshold of awareness. Though many of our motivations come from this level of fear, of loss, yet we don’t know where these volitions originate. We simply find ourselves lost in action, in anger or fear, pushing away others, grasping at what we imagined to be our safety, constantly guarding our heart.
This tearing open of the heart leaves us exposed to that which has caused us and our loved ones the pain of imagined separateness so often before. This experience of discovery that grief leads us to is, for some, like going below ground level to look at the roots of a tree whose branches and twigs, leaves and flowers were all you thought were meaningful. by Steven Levine

Hope in the face of mourning

Today feels like a turning point. Many weeks of working on myself. Swimming, stretching, knitting, loving Owen. I read the Please Stop email today from Jason and did not cry. I made a date with someone who seems cool. We seem to have put all our largest issues already out there. No surprises with the limping this time. One less thing to think about. I almost didn't pursue this one b/c there were too many similarities between he and Jason. At this point though, I would think of Jason for any random reason. He is my frame of reference.

I hope I stop crying, and mourning this one sooner than later but I have been avoiding this work for almost a year and am barely three weeks into NC. I hate living in fear. I hate avoiding going to church b/c I am too freaked out about seeing his house or the dog, or Tank or Kathy. I will not be humiliated any more. I have to keep remembering this will not be forever. There will be a day I will not fear seeing him from across the road and turning around. Next week is Easter the year anniversary of our break up conversation. 'I do not feel for you what you feel for me." That is about all I remember at this point. None of it really matters any more. I loved him. He did not love me and as Bonnie Raitt says, I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't make your heart feel something it won't.....I tried, and tried but to no avail. Maybe I won't feel so abandoned next time, or have him be disgusted with how unable I was to respect his boundaries. Maybe I will learn how to take care of myself, my heart and my mind. In the mean time....I will love Owen to pieces. I will stretch, swim and survive.

Atonement

Atonement, reparation for an offense or injury or in this case a beautiful movie. I was so incensed by the wrong committed in this movie. It is awful to accuse and lie. What if one convinces oneself of rightness as in this case. The clues seemed to add up but in fact they did not. Reconciliation reparation such beautiful words but damage is not so easily forgiven. I think that is why grace is such a tough word to wrap my head around. On one hand I want so desperately to be forgiven on the other I don't think I truly deserve it. Maybe that really is the point. Perhaps none of us truly deserve the hands that we are dealt or the forgiveness that so often befalls us from the people with whom we are connected. Maybe we do, though. Isn't that what I wonder as I stay up and think....maybe I really do deserve everything that has happened to me. I just don't or can't accept that. I can't allow that life deals fairly with any of us. Who deserves to be raped, sexually abused by their dad or have their mother taken from them b/c of a drunk driver. That is just absurd I have to say God, all that you allow in this world to happen to children makes my stomach turn. If one more person tries to explain free will to me I am going to gag. I realize I will never have the mind of God but that doesn't mean I can't be completely appauled at your allowing innocence to be perverted in such horrendous ways. I know you love me and you love them and I know your heart must ache more than I can imagine for them. I am just tired of fighting for the voices of those who have lost or think their voice doesn't matter. Please help. Please don't let Evil win so much. Please help me remember that healing is possible and LOVE will prevail over ignorance, selfishness and indifference.

Misguided and wrong about anger

Ventilation.....venting your anger. I always thought it was a good strategy. come to find out from some reading and one of my client's a boy that can't seem to keep his hands off other kids when he is upset that all venting does is rehearses your anger. There is no problem solving or solution attempted only a release which in the moment might help but in the long run accomplishes nothing except alienating someone that you like. Anger is a feeling or a signal that something is wrong or needs to be changed. It isn't a solution to a problem. It creates more problems if viewed in another way than to help one identify something. Man o Man if only I had grasped this as a younger person. I might be in a much calmer place.

I have held anger up on a pedestal. I told myself it would motivate me, protect me from those who had harmed me. All it has really done is keep me more angry, alone and unable to let go of the things that hurt me before I hurt others and make it worse. Help me learn how to solve, identify and let go rather than vent and gain strength from the noose I have created in my wrong ideas about the helpfulness of anger.

Love and adoption

I had a rough day, meeting pre-adoptive homes for one of my kids. I promised her I would meet anyone we would consider for adoption. I thought, I talked, I explained everything I know about this child. My heart is breaking. It will officially kill me if they take her and then return her. I tried to make it clear that she did have issues, she does need lots of help learning how to be a young girl. She needs to be loved, accepted, held accountable. To name a few. I will miss her.

She isn't one of my kids, she is my client. I do not have children. I will not have biological children. Maybe I will adopt with someone who loves me. Otherwise I can't do it alone. I don't want to do it alone. I could and would do it if I had to but its not the ideal. I really miss him, and his pseudo mom his cats and that lovable dog. Thank God I have Owen who waits and looks forward to me coming home. So many losses, so much to handle, Please help us accept being loved and cared for even if we are not sure we deserve it.

Owen and Mommy.

We sat, cuddled and I cut matted fur off his 19 year old body. It's become a regular occurrence as I am bound and determined to have him be matte free at some point. I love that he lets be hug him and we sit face to face while he purrs and I pet. He lets me cut out his tufts even though there is a whole nother meow into the mix. Its a mix between a meow and a growl of disapproval in essence....meowl....Oh joy is time for that big red ball between my legs to fight the adductors desire to cross or in CP speak scissoring.

My mom called and we chatted. A knee replacement hurts, It hurts, i mean it really HURTS. Her percocetts make her not be able to sleep me....all I wanted to do on percs is sleep. So we compared notes. She asked about my CP. She didn't have a clue about spasms, palsy or scissoring either. "you know if I had known I would have told you." One of the kindest things she has ever said. She had no idea what was happening to me either. No one ever explained it to her. It makes me cry just to write it. She would have helped me if she had known how. This was an unexpected gift. Thanks Mommy. I love you too.

Juno and happiness

Juno is one of the best movies ever. Her dialogue is quintessential teenage. Her cadence is so much like Sam's it was freaky. It just made me happy. Her boyfriend was exactly how I would characterize a high school boy. The holding her underwear was all we needed to know he was hopelessly in love.

It felt good to be out of the house on a weekend. Its been a while. I have learned how to purl now I know the two basic stitches. It's a great feeling. I spent tons of time over the week at meetings and now i have something to do beside try and pay attention. I have to gear up for more swimming, more stretching and more working out. Juno was a great way to spend a few hours except for all the thoughts of how much Jason would be laughing if we we watching it together.

Sarah and I went out to eat. Our waiter carded us, sent me the bill and then took off our drinks. Yay. Such a small gesture, but just such a kind thing for no reason, makes me think, OK sometimes people really do nice things without motive. On another happy note, Owen continues to stick close to me at all times. He spent lots of time on my chest today. He curls up and looks like a kitten sometimes, then I see his gray filled rings around his eyes and know he is wise and loving from all those years of being there for me.

To do nothing or to be nothing

I can't even remember the last time I did something on a Saturday or Sunday. Its ironic really. One of the things that used to drive me nuts about Yason is that he would sleep all day or not leave his room, house. Now the idea, that I have to get back out there isn't all that appetizing. A friend asked me if I was sitting on the couch unable to because I was depressed or because I wanted to be there.

I have been telling myself, I want to be here, there is a part of me though, that worries I might run into him after church. There is another part of me that is tired. There is a part of me that is just used to not doing anything. I have been doing laundry lately. So that is something. Everything just seems so unappealing. Is that depression? Well since I have been depressed and on antidepressants now for ....years its hard to differentiate. I am more contented with my life now. I love that I taught myself to knit. I am trying to learn purling right now. Not so simple but I will get it. I like swimming a lot. I love the jacuzzi. I am a good therapist. I want to be a great therapist. I want to make kids lives better. I want to believe that I have good things to offer my friends. I want to make choices based on my intuition not just my feelings. I don't want to feel like a prisoner of my own home. I don't want to have CP especially when I spasm, I don't want to increase my lift. I do want better posture, I don't want to develop back problems. I do want someone to know me and not turn away from me. I do want to grow in my love of God. I do not want to be ashamed of being a Christian. I don't want people to be hurt by selfish idiots in the name of God who show no compassion, care. or grace towards their fellow man. I want to not miss or think of Jason every weekend day.

Cerebral Palsy defined

I read the latest installment of Dr. Botox's assessment of me. He sends me his notes that he gives to both my physical therapist and my insurance company I suppose. Its strange to read something about yourself that you just realized is a part of you. Cerebral Palsy Palsy " a condition marked by uncontrollable tremor of the body or a part." Cerebral Palsy is defined as, "a disability resulting from damage to the brain before, during, or shortly after birth and outwardly manifested by muscular incoordination and speech disturbances " Muscle incoordination is a nice way of saying, your body doesn't move the way you would like. Spasms are the worst part really. "an involuntary and abnormal muscular contraction." Translation as I sit with my legs apart with a big red ball in between my aductors and my left leg, hip whatever starts to release move feel a little less tight, I can feel it. I start to get scared then I try to breathe, I say to myself something like, I don't have to be afraid I don't have to spasm. Its Ok, I can handle it, I can beat this. then it happens. Spasm.....everything shakes on both sides and there is an intense pulling in of the muscles.....its like my muscles are going....FUCK YOU. I can usually handle two major ones before I am like....OK OK, you win, and I remove the big red ball and go back to sleep....in essence a failure. I am so tired of fighting with them, but if I don't they win and they continue to inhibit my movement. Someone once said, you are the one that knows your own body, Well what do you do when your own body fights your every move? I am not the master of my body, my body would prefer for me to give up so it can become a tight, wad crumpled, crooked, and cursed. Sometimes I want to just curl up and pretend like it will all be OK. I can't though b/c it wont. Not in this life anyhow.

Dr. Botox

Owen and I have some special time scheduled today since I just got back from the Botox Doctor. It is usually such a draining experience that i took a sick day. I got there two hours early today. Yikes. I had a feeling he would take me early once he saw I was there and had made a mistake with the time but I left anyhow. I had gone to a conference yesterday in Lexington, bought all sorts of cool things, but of course left them under my seat......ugh. No luck. At least I checked though. I had to give myself credit for this.

Went back to the office and he came down right away to see me. I am doing everything right. I need to swim more. Everything though is A OK. A chill ran up my spine. No more Dr. Botox. I had gotten used to his lack of bedside manner and pep talks he would give to me. He saw my surprise and said ok well come back in 3 months to check in with me. Lets take a look at your walking.

He agreed with my physical therapist that I should increase the lift. The descrepency in the length of my legs has also caused or I had it before....Scoliosis. great another terrific diagnosis. So my muscles in my back are much weaker on my left than my right side. My posture is off. I need to work on that too. I need someone to help me stretch. I have to get a schedule going. He thinks I am doing great. He really enjoys me. Well I enjoy him and now he is leaving me too? So weird that I can hate, and then begin to love after the initial denial is passed that this guy is trying to help me.

Its so much to drink in. I just sat in my car for a while. I am doing great. Its just such a mind shift. I have to do all these things differently now. I can't look back at the exercising that wasn't helping my CP. It just overwhelms and gets me to not go to the gym b.c I am depressed about it.

I am also proud of myself that I am successfully on the second week of the no Jason diet. I don't even read his blog anymore. It is the only thing that has helped me moved forward. I am now such a believer in NC. It just prolongs the pain but its impossible to do unless you know in your heart of hearts that is the only choice that will help you. I am sue I will have tough days but I can't read his blog, I can't contact him. It doesn't hurt that his last message to me was just cold. I hate cold. I need some warmth in my life.

Owen continues to just be my rock. He is always so glad to have me to cuddle next to him. He even allows me to continue to pull out matted fur without too much fuss. Its hard to imagine anything better in a cat.

Ears and then some

Man, on my way out the door I got a finger full of ear goock from Owen's Ear. Oh goodness. Is that why Owen can'hear? I hope not. We had quite the experience with the q tips. He was so patient I thought for sure he would not want to spend time with me on the couch tonight. He is such a good sport. I hope he feels a bit cleared out so to speak. It makes me think of Grace. They used to clean one another's ears. It just had not even occured to me to help him with ear goock but now I know.

He watches me.

Owen slept next to my head as close as he could. It made me feel good. I think its one of the best things in my life to have Owen just show affection all of the time. He doesn't hold grudges or yell at me when he is upset. He waits for me to get up in the morning. He sits next to me waiting for me to take him off our bed. He meows when I get out of the shower, waits for me to get dressed. Meows to remind me to feed him. He sleeps all day he waits for me at the door so he knows I am home. He is deaf. He meows and then meows some more. He watches me, we eat. He meows some more. He gets picked up to join me on the couch. He watches me type. He purrs and purrs some more. He keeps me company. He makes me feel loved and happy. I am so happy to be able to care and make him happy so easily. He is a gift.

Meow!

Meow! this might me yet another memo about Owen but it isn't. Meow is what Manuel used to say to me instead of hello. Manuel is a young man I taught many years ago. We read Catcher and the Rye together. I loved this kid. He was smart, funny, and his disability was that he had difficulty expressing himself verbally. My job was really to talk and read with him to increase his vocabulary. I get paid for this? I thought to myself. I wasn't going to argue with this one. We were close. I watched him graduate. I helped him when his brother died in a plane crash. I listened when he complained about his father or was stressed about a girl. I just wanted to be there for him.

He just called he is in Indiana. I never know where he will be when he calls. I have received calls from all over the world. He is originally from Columbia, but has lived more places that I can remember. He was like, Owen is still around? Oh my God! Yeah. Owen is da best. He is da baby so I had two males, Owen and Manuel remind me that I am worth being around.

History does not have to repeat itself

I just looked at the blog from start to finish. I had not realized I started blogging about Jason in October, the first time I started dealing with the reality that we were no a couple and hadn't been for quite some time. 5 months ago. 5 months ago if I had done all of this grief work he might want to be my friend by now. I put his blog on this website. I had no memory of this. I didn't look. I took everything off this computer. I can't look any more. It just causes more pain more rejection. I have to do things differently or I will keep being stuck back here blogging about my next heart ache.

I must admit journaling has been much more helpful that I might have anticipated. Reading my life story although, frustrating shows how predictable my pattern has been humbling. It shows me how I have continued to not learn from my mistakes. God hasn't done this to me. I have not learned what I needed to learn. It is simple. If nothing changes, nothing will change. Familiarity has not served me well. Fear has not helped protect me. My denial has not helped me keep what was precious. I must listen and assume that people like Jason exist. Yes does not mean no. No does not mean yes. As it did in my family. There is more people out there that honor their word and love honestly without regret.

losses, all of them

I thought I would take some time to write down all the fears or ideas I have about myself. I have spent a long time trying to integrate all the different pieces of myself. I have hid parts of myself from others and from myself. I have insight sometimes, I have intelligence, I have beauty but I can't hold on to that knowledge for any length of time. I can however, hold on to all those things that have hurt, pierced, prodded or found a home somewhere in my soul, body, mind and heart.

I would be a better happier person had I been born normal.
I would be an athlete if it were not for my Cerebral Palsy.
I would have been a dancer like my sister if it hadn't been for my CP.
I would have been popular if it hadn't been for my CP.
I would have been married with kids by now if it weren't for my CP.
I would have a clue how to love someone if I hadn't tried so hard to hide what was really true about me.
I would have known how to deal with my dad's alcoholism or my brother's addiction if I had more awareness of myself and my innate worth.
I would have been able to deal with everything else CP and all if I hadn't been sexually molested and my parents had taken my side.
I would have been felt better about myself if I thought I could trust or be truthful with anyone.
I always wanted to be my sister, if I were her then I would be happy. She had everything I wanted, friends, popularity, passion for her dancing, and an ability to handle adversity.
She was molested too, but thought it wasn't a big deal, get over it, Jen.
I would have done better for myself if I had not felt the need to drink or be cool.
I lived inside my television set. It was my best friend. It never disappoints.
I tried to fill my life with material things. That would make me cool. I changed my dress, I tried to be something I thought was wonderful. My freshman year of college was one more example of me putting myself in a situation where I would be reminded of the beautiful people and then there was me. Imperfect, even my RA told me she had respect for me that I had chosen such an elitist school. I continued to be reminded of all the ways I wasn't good enough. If I didn't believe it then, I would believe it after two semesters of school.
I had a roommate who thought I was uncool, unaware of how to be popular. She told me that I would go to hell since I wasn't a born again Christian. Rather than go my own way, I tried over and over to be her friend. Even then I had to experience rejection to the nth degree.

Later during a Christian teaching and training trip, yeah you read that correctly. I ended up wanting and needing total acceptance and love the only person that seemed could help me was not someone on this world. It was God. Of course then I fell for a guy named David. He was on crutches and I was more than happy to tell him exactly how to use his crutches. We had a close friendship. He was dating someone else. Of course I had to fall for the unavailable one. He spent tons of time with me. Later he showed me on an index card how and why I was crazy for thinking we were anything other than friends. I didn't stop crying for over a year I think. I thought I was nuts for being so stupid. I transferred I wanted to be a SPED teacher. I fell again for my best friend at the time. Another unattainable one. I feel so hard and i even stayed in my college town just to be closer to him. We were beyond close. He loved me. He wasn't in love with me. I was 24 and thought no one would ever love me. Was that what drove my unwillingness to risk love? I had already been slammed hard and hard twice. I hadn't learned how to be different in relationships. Four years later and I did it again almost exactly the same story. I fell for a fellow teacher. Four years my junior just like last love relationship. He was a budding musician and I went to every show. I was a groupie. I wanted him to love me. He liked me well enough, but he didn't love me. 3 x. Aren't I supposed to stop after three strikes?

Fast forward to 35 and I started a long distance internet relationship. We spoke every day. Our connection was unreal. He came to visit. I wasn't attracted to him. By the end of the weekend, I was in love. He left. I made plans to go visit him. He wanted to marry me. At least that is what he said. 9/11 happened. He stopped calling. I went to visit my friends with my ticket and met him at the Chicago Museum. I thought we were getting back together. At the end of the day he wanted to be friends. He wasn't in love with me. 4 strikes. My fifth strike came with a married man. I threw everything out the window for a sexual, forbidden relationship. So much hurt. It was everything I always knew was true of me, I was a bad, unworthy of real love, damaged, and immoral. Fast forward to last year a long string of bad internet dates. A few sexual encounters, no relationships. I had been reading his blog, a friend had bought a cell phone from this, quirky engaging salesman. Are you single? She asks. Yes, he answers.
I read his blog for months. How could I walk in to the store to see him? He would see me limp and it would be all over. Finally I had enough nerve to say hello on line. He said hello, he got angry right away that I tried to send a pic. He wanted to know me. I was so nervous I had to make it sexual. Even after that exchange, he wanted to spend time with me. He really liked me. Wow. Soon after that beginning we ended. He knew we couldn't make it. Not long term. Lets stop now and be friends. Then we can be friends for life. Great friends. I didn't want another friend. I didn't want to be liked. I wanted him to love me. We kept hanging out. I kept playing it cool. We started dating again. I thought maybe, Maybe we could make it. He broke up with me after I got back from Florida the end of March. He agreed to spend Easter with Me. We took pictures, he held my hand. I thought we would work out, he was just afraid. We continued to spend time together. My ankle started to really hurt. I was scared. He was there. I fell deeper in love with him after months of him being there for me. No one ever made me feel so whole so worth something. I really believed despite the differences and all the fights and all the miscommunication that we could and would make it because he did not leave. He cared for me. He believed in me. I believed in him, his kindness, his commitment to integrity, I was convinced I would help him rebuild a relationship with his daughter. I felt like I had found someone who knew my soul and didn't reject it.

He knew all along that his word was his word. We are friends that is all. When he began to pursue a dating relationship with someone else. I thought I was going to die. He was angry I hadn't taken him at his word. He was tired of seeing me so upset. He thought we all good with this friendship thing. I am so sorry that I couldn't just be his friend. We would be these great friends and be able to joke and razz one another. He could come with me to those awful botox injections with him making fun of me on percocetts.

Instead we are here. I reacted badly a few too many times to reality. I was his friend he was looking for a girlfriend that wasn't me. He tried to be my friend and I couldn't not be in love with him. Jennie please stop contacting me. Please stop.

Love is a strange thing really. It doesn't matter he isn't my dream guy. It doesn't matter that we can't seem to spend the day together without arguing at least once. It doesn't matter that he is an atheist and I am not. It doesn't even matter that he doesn't drive or have a job. What matters to me is that he is number six in my list of strikes out. These are all my losses all of my baggage. All of the things that I cry over. I wish Jason could know and believe that despite all I have done to hurt and disrespect him, I love him more than I have ever loved anyone and will never forget his kindness to me. He made me want to be a better person. He also brought out the worst part. Rejection and a reminder that number 7 is just around the corner if I don't do something with all of these losses. I will believe in miracles if God can help me with these beliefs that have been so comfortable inside this body and soul of mine. I hope this is my bottom as they say in 12 step land. I am sorry Yason, that is what I used to call him. I was yennie and he was yason.