Owen tried to get on my bed this afternoon to nap and he can no longer make it up even with the step ladder. I lifted him up and he napped. I stretched. My hip is so tight that I can't seem to loosen it without extreme pain. Even today when I thought I might get some movement and it just spasmed out. Can I get it to loosen am I destined to not get back on a horse? The pain no matter what I do doesnt subside on the hip. Oh my, we are quite the pair. Owen can barely move and I am the spasm queen.
In my heart of hearts i am so afraid. I don't know what any of this really means for my future. I can't maintain without lots of help stretching and I am at a loss. I need a team really so as to not burden too many or have a set schedule. I must believe I can improve despite the difficulty with my hip. I can not let this beat me. I have worked too hard and been through too much pain to stop now. My body continues to just betray me. Now I have to think about wat the ultrasound might find. I don't understand where my faith has gone. I used to know that I was walking with God and he would protect me. Now I cry out for him and I continue to cry. Please help me in my unbelief and in my fear. I want to live believing in purpose, love, and reasons for suffering but all I continue to think and feel is more and more pain. Help me. I need you now more than ever. I am so lost.
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