a prayer for hope, health and healing

I practiced a meditation last night, asking for hope, health and healing. I meditated on my problem with feeling unworthy of love. I meditated on being worthy. I cried and cried. I asked for healing in all the places that I hold onto trauma memories. I asked for hope, health and healing from the Lord above, the God of love, the God that knew me in my mothers womb, the God that has shown himself to me, time and time again.

Am I being punished for loving an atheist? No, not at all. Am I punishing myself for not being able to have an atheist fall in love with me? That is more like it. There must me something inherently wrong with me if I can't be more attractive to someone who has become convinced that God is a terrible thing to have in ones life. Religion is a detriment to someones point of view. Well that is certainly a lot of power for someone like me to have. I am just not that important. I have no more an incredible person to influence an atheist, that has credible evidence as to why not to believe than I do to convince a child that she should not love her biological mother who sexually abused her over and over again. All I can do is live my life as best I know how and pray, pray for guidance and care to not hurt but be an instrument of healing.

I know this, I know this in my head, but my heart still aches. My heart misses this man who did not love me as I loved him. This man who told me over and over that he did not love me. This man who reminded me over and over that his care could not heal me. This man could not comfort my deepest needs. This man who often said, you must find these things within yourself. I bristled against this for God was supposed to do this for me. But God has been trying to instill these things within me over and over. I resisted these installations in favor of doing what I thought would gain me favor with a man with whom I was enamored.

The problem over and over became that my vessel was not steady, not firm in knowledge of my worth. I am made in Gods image and fearfully and wonderfully made. I, have fought against this body of mine, so much so that I did not even know what Cerebral palsy actually was. If I ignored it maybe it would go away. If I ignored Jason, maybe his concerns would disappear. He wants space but not really. He doesn't really mean, space he just misses me and is afraid of missing me. That is just one possibility of a ridiculous rationalization of poor behavior. I am not without blame. He is not without fault either. His goal was always honesty, but there was also desiring to have what he desired. A friend. I never wanted a friend. I did not have enough self respect to ask for no contact. I could not tolerate the pain. He could not comfort the pain. He was causing it. I chose to ignore. I chose to assume it was something faulty within myself. If only I was like this or that he would have loved me.

I don't want to have so much power any more. Its too much to carry around. I have never cared or had someone known me as well. That is the source of the grief. I attached fully. If I could do it with Jason, I can do it with someone else who loves me who also loves the God that has created and loved me. I have this in my head but not in my heart. I want to hold on to the pain, I want to blame myself for some inherent problem I must have to have caused this chasm. This is the magical thinking of a young girl that thinks that she can stop her father from drinking or she can keep herself from harm when someone decides to sexually molest her. These beliefs just hurt me and reiterate my failings. I don't have the power from stopping someone from drinking, molesting, or believing in the existence of a God with whom I love.

One thing that is true though, is that this drinker, molester, or atheist are all men that I have loved with my whole heart. People cause pain because love is imperfect, people are fallible. I can and will love others that will seek to heal, give me hope and help me be healthy. I will still love those with whom don't love me, but I don't have to assume its because there is something damaged about me. I will love and have compassion because I have been there in the pit of despair and I have chosen to not live there. I chose to have hope, health and healing. Amen.